Rant with some funny barbed comments
by, 16-Jul-2013 at 05:00 (479 Views)
I haven't given up on the thought of removing all evidence that I ever existed to my family of origin. It subsides a bit here and there whenever they do something nice for me or speak kindly towards me, or rather more accurately the thought shifts to "how can I do that to them now?"
Earlier in the month I had an opportunity to get to my Safe Place (grandmother's house) and while I was there the anxiety lifted tremendously but began to rear up again as the time drew nearer that I had to come back to keep a Dr's appointment. That went successfully enough but now leaves me with another dilemma; I'm finally getting somewhere in regards to real help but I can't be in 2 places at once.
The idea for me to get away from this house of craziness is that they miss me but good; beyond the trifling "we're sorry (by the way could you fix...?" then proceed to lecture me about 'treating people like a discarded tissue' (coming from people who don't go to work, barely go to church, and maybe out to eat once in a while; life and relationship experts they are)- the pattern's been established long enough that I can tell the invalidation is coming before the ink is dry on the ATM receipt for the rent money.
My T told me on the visit before last that being in this environment is most likely increasing my anxiety and autistic symptoms, probably so but there's more that I'm somewhat resentful at my mother at her being resentful of me that I probably hit my peak in life about 8 years ago and that I've been going downhill again since then, forget about topping my previous achievements - hell maybe I should go out and get 2 DUIs, wreck several donated and borrowed vehicles, get caught stealing porn, steal the house payment money, eat all the food in the refrigerator (before and after getting a medical marijuana card), charge my clients for services I didn't perform, copulate with and supply alcohol and drugs to several underaged girls and lie about being sober the way my Mr. Wonderful brother does. Doesn't matter actually, I'm going to hell for sneaking drags off cigars and wearing diapers, and hiding it from people who continue to take my inventory so they don't have to stick to their own