The Ironic Romanticism of Helplessness
by, 26-Jun-2013 at 18:51 (505 Views)
I've been hurt and yelled at again recently. A year feels like forever. I don't know but I've been traumatized to a point where I have a romantic ideal in my mind surrounding the state of helpless. I just see no other way to heal from it all other than to just be helpless somehow and need to be cared for. Am I so emotionally broken that the idea of being limited in some way and needing 24/7 or near 24/7 care actually sounds attractive to me? The idea of even some stranger nurse in some hospital or nursing home changing my fluffy institutional adult diapers and cleaning me up, etc seems appealing and attractive to me, even more so in times like this. I've broken so far from the norm I no longer see myself as some independent young girl who can do everything on her own. Adulthood, independence, it's all become means to an end rather than actual societal norm of it being the end itself.Would I have turned out this way if I wasn't so psychologically damaged over the years? I don't know but I feel it played a part in it. All I can really do is embrace and accept that this is who am, who I turned out to be, who I see myself as now and I have.
Although I would not wish this to happen, I could probably more easily embrace and accept it if it did. Like, If I were to become paralyzed from the chest down while still having the use of my arms and everything else above but being bedridden and wheelchair bound and opting for diapers instead the common catheter option used for paralysis cases, it would suck physically, but I could probably accept it as it couldn't get any worse for me emotionally in that state than it is now. Again I hope something like that DOESN'T happen in my lifetime but could more easily accept it if it did.
And now I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be normal. I've become so broken that I now not only see myself the way I do, but also LIKE the way I see myself now. I don't know, but the idea of needing diapers, occasionally needing help eating behind closed doors, and being led around as if I need help with direction just sounds so appealing to me, All I know is that feeling of helplessness and need for constant 1:1 care just makes me feel so safe, so secure, so unconditionally loved.
It all makes me feel so.............. FREE. Like I can do anything in the world I want to despite my limitations because while being physically or mentally limited I can still feel safe, loved, and free in knowing that a caregiver will be there for me providing care and the feelings that come with it. The love and attention that comes with it is what keeps me going now, keeps me stable.
I'm like a bird in the sky of infinite possibilities flying free whenever I think about or actually live and play out this state of helplessness, be it a baby or a sweet, happy mentally disabled little girl. I've been sucked into the black hole of the ironic romanticism of helplessness. And now, it's become a black hole I never want to leave. I want to stay happily in there for all eternity.