View RSS Feed


The Ironic Romanticism of Helplessness

Rate this Entry
I've been hurt and yelled at again recently. A year feels like forever. I don't know but I've been traumatized to a point where I have a romantic ideal in my mind surrounding the state of helpless. I just see no other way to heal from it all other than to just be helpless somehow and need to be cared for. Am I so emotionally broken that the idea of being limited in some way and needing 24/7 or near 24/7 care actually sounds attractive to me? The idea of even some stranger nurse in some hospital or nursing home changing my fluffy institutional adult diapers and cleaning me up, etc seems appealing and attractive to me, even more so in times like this. I've broken so far from the norm I no longer see myself as some independent young girl who can do everything on her own. Adulthood, independence, it's all become means to an end rather than actual societal norm of it being the end itself.Would I have turned out this way if I wasn't so psychologically damaged over the years? I don't know but I feel it played a part in it. All I can really do is embrace and accept that this is who am, who I turned out to be, who I see myself as now and I have.

Although I would not wish this to happen, I could probably more easily embrace and accept it if it did. Like, If I were to become paralyzed from the chest down while still having the use of my arms and everything else above but being bedridden and wheelchair bound and opting for diapers instead the common catheter option used for paralysis cases, it would suck physically, but I could probably accept it as it couldn't get any worse for me emotionally in that state than it is now. Again I hope something like that DOESN'T happen in my lifetime but could more easily accept it if it did.

And now I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be normal. I've become so broken that I now not only see myself the way I do, but also LIKE the way I see myself now. I don't know, but the idea of needing diapers, occasionally needing help eating behind closed doors, and being led around as if I need help with direction just sounds so appealing to me, All I know is that feeling of helplessness and need for constant 1:1 care just makes me feel so safe, so secure, so unconditionally loved.

It all makes me feel so.............. FREE. Like I can do anything in the world I want to despite my limitations because while being physically or mentally limited I can still feel safe, loved, and free in knowing that a caregiver will be there for me providing care and the feelings that come with it. The love and attention that comes with it is what keeps me going now, keeps me stable.

I'm like a bird in the sky of infinite possibilities flying free whenever I think about or actually live and play out this state of helplessness, be it a baby or a sweet, happy mentally disabled little girl. I've been sucked into the black hole of the ironic romanticism of helplessness. And now, it's become a black hole I never want to leave. I want to stay happily in there for all eternity.


  1. Adventurer's Avatar
    I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. Wanting to regress when under pressure is normal, but wanting to regress forever sounds like the sign of being under severe, unhealthy pressure. Pressure you shouldn't have to deal with.

    If you're being regularly yelled at and hurt, as your post seems to say, then please find a way out of the situation. Whether it's a romantic partner, a parent, an employer - no one has the right to repeatedly yell at another adult and make them feel insecure and hurt. Is there somewhere safe you can go, or someone you can talk to? I could be misreading the post, but it sounds like you're in a very harmful situation. If it's affecting your emotional health this much, you need to get out.

    Wanting to regress is OK. And it is beautiful to give up our pains and stresses and let a big person take care of us. But there's an adult world that's just as amazing. You should feel free to embrace the beauty of both sides. If the adult world's scary, it would be wise to find a way to deal with the fear. It's not a bad place! But I can understand feeling scared of it, for sure.

    Know this: you're an important, beautiful person just the way you were made. You're a precious creation, and no one has the right to make you feel afraid or unworthy. So please, don't let someone keep hurting you. If you need support, this community is here for you, as am I personally. A therapist can help you find healing from the trauma you've been through; if your having trouble, don't be ashamed to talk to one.

    I hope you find a safe place where you can be happy as both an adult and a little one. Please don't be afraid to seek out the help you need.
  2. SnowPrincessSophie's Avatar
    I could see how you could interpret it like that. Maybe but realistically,I understand I can't regress forever as much as I would like to. The main thing is the diapers and my mommy/fiance, those are my escape, problem is I have to wait a year before I can live with her and wear diapers 24/7. and that year feels like forever even in times like this. Once I have my escape, I'll be fine, I can be happier and more confident than I've ever been when in diapers 24/7 and can regress as much as I want at home and maybe have some more subtle fun in public.
    Updated 22-Jul-2013 at 19:07 by SnowPrincessSophie
  3. daLira's Avatar
    As I know already... waiting is hard, especially under your circumstances, I'm sorry... but it'll happen someday =), so just try to kill your time, occupy yourself somehow.

    Anyway, I'd also say, this really sounds like way too high stress levels overall.. So that this would be your saving grace, for "yourself". Something to look forward too, how much uhm miserable this condition would be.

    Best of luck that you're able to wait this year... otherwise don't be afraid for trying to find a short solution for the moment, so a kind of helping hand, really.
    And don't do anything stupid, pinky promise? =)
  4. Capybyra's Avatar
    Abdicating from "Adult Life" to escape what sucks about it? Raises a thought of there being more to your life's entanglements than you're letting yourself process. Meaning a dialog with yourself as to what sort of deals you make with you on what terms so comfort does not come at unacceptable costs.

    Whilst there's a dubious sort of peace in surrenders, they're not a solving as such.

    I'm a huge advocate of us embracing our needs however fanciful they seem to others but we've got to be deliberating over our real life when the initial honeymoon passes. Finding that out after doing permanent choices..and there's not a going back from X we've irreversibly done can truly suck. Even if it's losing a lover or job as opposed to body mods, it can suck just in different ways. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.