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egor

More concerns about my thoughts.

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Well tomarrow I have my appointment with my therapist and my mind has been racing like an engine in nutral.

I have been reading threads and thinking about the relivence to my situation and make up. I have gained so much from this group. I have seen a lot of good information and thoughts and I have also seen "other stuff". I have gained understanding and working on open mindedness. Everything seems to be based on opinion or experience, and ther is nothing wrong with this. I have to remind myself to pay attention and remember everyone is intitled to their opinion. I could say more, but I am going to remind myself that: 1) I talk to much, 2) when pointing a finger at others, there is always three fingers pointing back. I have done stuff and "out grew" it and worked on what it is I am actually looking for, or want to experience.

To gain more understanding about ABDL I have moved past the threads and looked into some of the referenced matterials I have seen. Again very informative and excrusheating at the same time.

I found the things on youtube very interesting (scratching my head, with a stinky eye). Again I remind myself about the "I could say more" line above.

When I was in the hospital 18 months ago with a ruptured apendix, in a pain pill indused stuper there was a Dr. Phil show on about ABDL and I only remember tidbits of it so I watched it again, (Talk about a need for a reader digest version), and found it interesting with no major conclusion.

I love the british sit coms, but IMO there documenteries are more excrushiating then USA made. THeirs drag on, ours just repeat everything again after every comercial break. Getting on with it I watched as much of the 15 stone baby as I could take and again I found them interesting with no major conclusion.

There is several very nicely done video blogs about and from people with ABDL and I did find them very informative in the same way as most threads on this sight.

Then of cource there is the other stuff, that unfortunately one must wade through to find a gem.

So of course the last thing I found was a very captivating (can not think of the right word) clip that there is only part 2 and my computer acted up and would not run it. But the last scene that I saw was this childs fingers on a door jam. I was very upset and had to see it. But of course my computer crashes and I cant find it.
I obsessed and spent almost all day sunday digging through youtube trying to find this video again. I tryed every key word search I could think of. Cutting to the chase I finally found it sunday evening and watched it. I showed it to my wife and afterwards we spent time trying to find the whole thing with sound,

OK I will quit the suspence.

I found Michael Bryson's "Redemption" I looked everywhere and chased every lead. It was illegally released and there was several law suits over the copywrite violations. I did finf a like to a thread from this group about it and also another sight. There was quite alot of controvercy over it and some of it was ridiculious (IMO), but hell there was even "people" that claimed Disney's "Lion KIng" and "Little Mirmaid" have sexual messages in them.

Any way I am rambiling again.

I finally found a copy of the video and watched it, and watched it again with my wife. It made both of us cry.

I could identify with little Amber, but I was in no way at all treated like that, but it pulled my memories of being diaper disciplined up again and I have been having a hard time forgetting about that video.

I have however been thinking about the memories I have from when I was 2 to 6 and attemting to see how it has effected me and brought me to where I am today.

I have a lot to talk to my therapist and my life couch and sounding board (my loving wife) and I hope I gain more understanding so that I can obtain a balance with lillte Tommy and Myself.

One thing that I did find when using Michael Bryson as a key word is a sight that someone (from what I think I read) is tearing a website a new one. This group in the south is promoting Diaper discipline and the stuff they are claiming would have been Child Abuse even in the 60's.

Well I think I have gone into the realm of talking to much again. So I think it is time to close.

Just typing this has helped me clear my mind and it will be interesting to hear what my therapist has to say, other then I am to obsesive with what is on my mind. (Got to love the ADHD mind, I can talk your ear off I just forget what we were origional discussing)
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  1. egor's Avatar
    Just an update.
    I saw my therapist and went over all of the memorries I had about my infantcy/tottler life and the 1960's toilet training at gun point and the trauma that I felt. She agreed because it is the standard story she hears from people from that era and the mental anguish (if that is the right word) that they are finding themselves in now.

    Now to work on moving past the trauma and accept life as it is. Get incontrol of the abdl feelings, and work on full acceptance and understanding. We have more to talk about, but see was interested in that I use meditation techniques that she taught me the last time I was in therapy, in conjunction with my memory of the peace and loving enviroment of a bedtime diapering pre toilet training as a coping/grounding/stress relief mechanisim. But my assignment is to work on boundries, balance, and control issues.
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