concerning thought for myself
by, 16-Feb-2013 at 06:35 (377 Views)
I have been a member to this link for only three very short weeks and I have learned so much to gaining insight and acceptance of my AB/DL. I have been forced into abstance for several days and it has been very tough. I will be seeing my theropist in two weeks and keep thinking about what we are going to need to talk about. I told her about AB/DL at the last possible moment during my last session, just before I joined the web sight and we will be talking a lot more about this. The thing that I realized today(basing the thought in threads that I have read) there are meny levels to my AB/DL, and I am sure it is true of anything that involves a "behavior".
I definatley have a 2 1/2 year old little that just wants to be cuddled and loved. THere is no naste potty training, no to old to sit in mommy's lap, its not wrong to act like a baby, ect.
There is also a naughty boy who wet the bed and gets punished by being put in a diaper the next night, and a naughty boy who is punished for wetting his pants playing his favorit video game and did not want to miss being the high score.
Since I have joined the web sight the last two have not been a needed roll to do the DL thing. But the AB little definately has been active. I do not have to hide in the dead of night to diaper. I dont have to wait for everyone to leave to have the stolen half hour of delight and terror because I think I heard a car. I was able to tell my wife and to my suprise she was open mineded enough to listen. She still is working on understanding, but I do not know where the line between acceptance, patience and tolerance is fully drawn.
The delema that I am attempting to define at this time is want, need, and ??? . I was definately unable to diaper for five days. I had a 10 day period before hand that was just did it to do it because I will be stopping for several days. At that time I did see my first clue in am I doing this because I can, because I have to or because I need to? The second to the last day I realized after words that I did not need to or have to, I just did it with out thinking. To me this is a serious sign of lack of control and/ or boundries. Yesterday I did it because I just needed to do it because I was stressing out and wanted to escape and reboot. Then today it was a out and out escape mechanism. I hurt, I was very tierd and I just wanted to walk away from my life and go back in time to when I did not know what my next concern would be.
I do see a way that going to my little is a grounding method to shut my mind down, unload the negative or contradictory thoughts and relax, "reboot" and come back to take things on in a new light. Like I said in the last paragraph there is also a escape plan. I will be talking to my theropist about the healthyness of this. and I can see the want to just relax. I have used my little as a way to shut my mind down so I can just go to sleep. but I am sure there is some fine lines between "relaxing/rebooting" and checking out of reality all together be it briefly that could lead to trouble.
So I have typed this while I am relaxing to get ready to go to bed, but I am also contiplating my little in the back of my head asking to be diapered. I think I am going to go to bed and if I cant fall a sleep and my children are in bed a sleep then and only this I will think about letting my little out.