King Midas touch in reverse. (2/7/08)
by, 08-Feb-2008 at 04:29 (913 Views)
Another day, another series of criminal intakes. This one involves a woman (who I realize is quite a few bricks short of a load (no pun intended)) telling me why the Disorderly Conduct charge placed upon her is false.
I read over the charging documents, which contain a statement from the plantiff. 'Miss Doe* frequently stands on our porch past midnight, shouting obscenities, screaming about her missing dog, cussing out nothing in particular.'
So I interview her ... and wish, yet again, that I hadn't needed to get so much detail. This is the kind of stories you hear when you deal every day with the lowest common denominator of humanity.
Rance: "Miss Doe, the filing party states that you've been disrupting their peace at night by standing on their property and raising your voice. They allege that you've been screaming obscenities and foul remarks."
Miss Doe: "That ain't true. I swear it. I have proof. I swear it's not true. I ain't shoutin' nothing whatsoever, and they're a bunch of bullshit-****ing-liars for even saying it!"
Rance: "Then I need to get from you a statement regarding what you say happened in this case. Mind you, this isn't a legal plea -- this is just a statement that I take down to ensure that your defender understands the situation at hand, in your words."
Miss Doe: "I wasn't shouting. I was on Xanax."
Rance: "By prescription?"
Miss Doe: "Yeah. It ****s with my brain."
Rance: "In what manner?"
Miss Doe: "Well, I didn't yell anything. I dropped some Xanax, but I didn't yell. They made me mad, though! So I went over to their porch and took a big ****in' shit right on their doorstep--"
Rance: (staring in disbelief.)".. what--"
Miss Doe: "And then I ****in' went right into their cars -- their two big trucks and their little Geo -- and took three whole fat shits right on their seats! I think I had diarrhea from the Xanax, but I didn't yell out anything, so that's a bunch of bullshit."
Rance: (wishing he had forks with which to stab out his eyes.) "So ... you're stating that you defecated on their porch and in their cars. Ma'am, was this ... was this all at one time, or on separate occasions?"
Miss Doe: "One time. I had the ****in' shits, okay? Pissed in'em all too, stirred it up with my finger, (she holds up her index finger) just to show'em I don't **** around! Don't piss me off! Don't steal my dog!"
Rance: " ... I hope you like your complimentary pen, ma'am."
The images are still burned in my mind. I do like the fact that someone thinks that defecating on someone else's belongings is a lot less of an offense than yelling at them from their porch. Isn't it ironic that I don't believe that she wasn't yelling... but yet, I believe every word of her shit-antics?
Pretty rainbows would be nice, you know, to help replace these awful visions in my mind.
*Miss Doe is utilized in replacement of the client's actual name.