Insanely long blog post
by, 09-Sep-2012 at 06:22 (349 Views)
Much has happened since I've been on here. If you wish to read any of this insanely long blog post, go for it.
My spirituality has grown exponentially since I was last on here. I've learned so much, and with much aid from those who were already advanced in their knowledge, so much has come together for me. It's now feeling as though everything I've known and experienced is making sense, as opposed to what I knew a year ago. I didn't feel a sense of completion with that epiphany I had (which is still very much relevant), and my natural yearning to know propelled me into the occult. So much has opened my eyes to the power of humankind that it's almost infuriating to see that so many are being oppressed from this power. Mainstream religion, media, politics, pretty much everything that our society consists of has been an elaborate plot (though intentional or accidental is yet to be determined) to keep us grounded to what's in front of us. It's almost scary to know how much we can do.
The occult deals with human godliness. Magic, although very much portrayed as a kid's concept, is very much a part of this. After dealing with chaos magic for some time (since it's the easiest and the most effective), I was led by pure chance to a bookstore which had an introduction to Enochian magic, the magic of the angels. It had to have been a calling (or a coincidence for the skeptical), so I bought it. I've yet to fully understand its true nature, mainly because I lack the necessary ritualistic items, but from what I have faintly tested, it seems to be very effective. It's not meant for the inexperienced, but I feel that I can get the hang of it if I know my way around its system enough. I'll have to study, study, study in order to get a more complete understanding, but I know it will be great once I do.
On a much darker note, I will address my familial status. My sister has not been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but it's a no-brainer she has it, mainly because she claims she has voices in her head. I knew something was wrong long ago, at least a year and a half ago, but she's just now getting treatment for it. I have undue anger towards my parents simply because they chose to ignore the situation, and did not get her help when she direly needed it. She has become inhuman; no personality to speak of. She can't make decisions on her own, and she mirrors every interaction she receives from others, mainly for a fall back for something she has no ability to procure on her own. She cannot formulate thoughts well, and if she manages a coherent thought, it takes her at least 20 seconds to start speaking it, and 30 more to complete it comprehensibly. She stutters horribly. Her stare is blank.
Worst of all are the voices. They tell her degrading things, but luckily it's not all the time. She says she gets them when she watches TV and when she's alone doing nothing. I didn't know what to make of this until I saw a video that portrayed a day in the life of a schizophrenic through their eyes. I was shocked and totally speechless, and more sad than anything. The things these voices say...I don't know how she manages to stay alive for a day, let alone for this long. I admire her in a way I cannot explain for her amazing strength to persist. I just wish she were herself again at this point. But hopefully that will change soon.
I cannot help but revert back to my parents...how could they do this to us? To her? She had gone to a clinic at her college and they immediately said she had to drop out and take a break for at least a year. When my parents received news of this, they were astounded at how severe it was. But how did they not see it before?! How could they have not noticed their own child was dwindling away from us and herself for so long? I begged them on occasion to make her get help, but they left it to her. Her, who could not make her own thoughts clear enough for others or herself to understand. Ignorance is one thing I do not tolerate, but this goes beyond ignorance. This is neglect. As much as it pains me to say it, I hope their current sorrow for what has happened stays strong in their hearts, because it has done more than enough to me.
Enough to the point that I have developed strong depression, and possibly even schizophrenia as well. I realize what these voices are that she suffers from. They're not voices, just feelings and thoughts, very negative in nature, telling me about who my friends REALLY are and why they aren't interested in my friendship, how they always conspire against me just to avoid me. They influence me to shun others, although I direly wish to communicate with the people of the world. I've developed social anxiety because of the "voices" as well. It's like a self-feeding spiral of fear and hate for myself and others. No one understands what it's like unless you've been there. And yet, I refuse to see a therapist, mostly out of pride and confidence that I can pull through. But you can't fix a chemical imbalance through positive visualization.
I've lost my sense of humor and my ability to keep a fun conversation, which of course doesn't help. I try to keep my head on straight about it, but it's hard now to keep from such negativity entering my thought process. I've been numbed to the feeling of happiness, mainly because I haven't felt it in so long. I have depersonalization, a disorder which makes the afflicted feel like they're detached from reality, or that the reality you're in feels like it's just a dream, full of nonsensical actions and pointless endeavors. I haven't talked with anyone about this until this very night actually, which certainly helped me out a lot, but even so, I can't quite shake it. I don't know what to do.