Sprouting of Realization
by, 09-Sep-2008 at 08:56 (1569 Views)
This is a conversation between me and my friend on msn. He has no lines they are taken out, so it's essentially a monologue. Feel free to read or comment you don't have to, it's rather long.
Umm When I was born I was My parents first boy. At the age of 3 when I had problems speaking they sent me to a speech therapist. after that issue resolved I started kindergarten, at the age of 5, Doctor diagnosed me with adhd and my parents put me on medication for 5 years. Umm, I was ridiculed for my entire life at elementary school and junior high.
as a result of this at the age of around 8 my parents sent me to anger management therapy. My eldest sister didn`t want to go anywhere near me because she hated kids My older sister didnt want to hang out with her younger brother, and my mom lost her job when I was around 5 and got sent to a psyche ward. so I had no one to talk to and not many friends.
I`ve been alone my whole life until you guys. lonelyness wouldn`t normally be a problem, But don`t you think it`s a bit extreme to say that someone should be happy being alone their entire life?
ah.. k. well... If you are asleep, thanks for the talk, I feel a bit better now. I think I just have a lot on my mind and a lot of stuff to get off my chest. For the record, Diapers are a necessity... I would rather not have sex ever again. As long as I can have diapers every once and a while. They relieve a lot of stress in my life and are extremely comfortable. and they make me feel complete.
I`m going through a rough patch in my life right now. I`m not sure how its going to end up after this. But I hope youre going to be there during and after. I`m trying to move forward with my life. In fact I`m probably going to get my diploma soon. I`m incredibly vulnerable right now and feel as though my friends don`t care about what I`m going through right now.
I know Im not really that open about a lot of thing... but can you blame me. This is my life, my love and my passion, and a lot of people frown upon the way I live it. So unfortunately I have to be a little closed about it some times. Also it`s not something a lot of people enjoy talking about, so I don`t like to make people feel uncomfortable.
I`ve made several subtle cries for attention in the past month, and even cries for help and they have all fallen on deaf ears for a while now, this is only the second time someone has showed me compassion for my life. Let`s just say the more I think about my friends and the people around me and the more I beg for their help, the more dissapointed I become.
I have been contemplating suicide for about a week now. and if it gets any harder to live through right now I`m afraid I might actually do it. I haven`t told anyone this, but yea, this is more serious than it sounds. I don`t want an insane outburst of attention so don`t tell anybody about this. I just want some appreciation for my existance in peoples lifes right now.
Cause I feel like many of them don`t really care whether I`m alive or not and it hurts lol. Your a good friend, and your intentions are always pure. I may not be the greatest guy, and I`m certin that Im annoying a lot of the time. But I know I`m well needed to a lot of people. But I need to be accredited for some of the things I do most of the time. because my self esteem isn`t the greatest.
when you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you are beneath it... and then when you realise you`ve forgotten. You realise that no one knows you either.
and then you feel like all this time you were saying you don`t care about how others feel about you. You let them create you essentially.
for the record. I feel restricted, I have slowly been letting myself out over the past years. and now I realise that It`s like Im in chains and each time I feel comfortable with something or someone a chain releases and I am more free. I realised... That I am still who I was 10 years ago...
Lets see, I just realised that since I have been off my medication I have started to view the world in a much more complex view and it has created a very compassionate and restricted personality and lately I have just realised that who I was when I was a child is starting to let through again. since before I stopped taking my medication. The feelings everything. Its coming back to me.
and I realise that before without my medication I really cared what others thought about me but I told myself I didn`t because of my childhood in which everyone hated me so much that I had become so synical about everyone and wished their death that no one mattered to me and I trusted no one.
I have started to feel those feelings towards people around me. That I can`t help
and it has been a struggle of identities lately within myself I havent experienced hatred for a very long time or even paranoia. and now I experience it around every corner. I feel the extreme lonliness I felt when I was a child.
I`ve created a personality completely different from who I was when I was young just so people would like me more.
so. Now Im stuck. None of my best friends know me. and I don`t even know who I am anymore. I know one thing though. Ive only got a couple chains to break. and this may be the last one.