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“It’s Complicated”

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Well, this is my first time ever doing a blog in my life so; I hope it isn’t too bad but I felt compelled to write this morning. Through other posts, I’m sure those of you who have seen some of the things I have written, already knew I had a very close female friend who doubled as my “mommy.” I had to relinquish her last night; because she has a boyfriend now and we felt that our “play” could possible ruin her relationship.

When I first moved in with my boyfriend (now legal partner), I transferred jobs and met her on my first day of work. I’m bi-sexual and I have a bit of a “thing” for big women (pretty stereotypical of me I guess), although physically drawn to her, I’m a very faithful person and don’t believe in playing with the feelings of others. That and, I was still in the closet at the time, so it wasn’t like I could do simple things like hang out with her, without feeding her a hand full of lies.

Last year, my partner and I decided to finally come out to everyone, because we were sick of hiding in fear that we might be found out. Instead of losing a bunch of “close associates” at work, I actually gained a lot more than I had. I was then talked into joining Facebook, where my female friend decided to add me to her friend’s list, among the other 100+ request I got within a month’s time.

Over the chat, she confessed to me that she had, had a thing for me ever since the first time we met and that she had no clue I was gay. From there, we got to learn quite a bit about each other and in conversation one day, somehow the talk of having babies came up. She was with her ex-boyfriend at the time and I mentioned, jokingly something along the lines of wanting to be their first born child. She laughed and was taken back a bit, but had nothing but positive things to say.

One night, I decided that we were such close friends, that I would pick her to be the only one to know everything about me, including my story on how I met my life partner through infantilism. Through that, I learned she was not only open-minded, but also very huge on wanting to start a family with many children (babies to be more precise). She was a bit confused but at the same time, intrigued with a grown adult wanting to be treated like a baby (or, infant in my case).

From there, talk and fantasy from the chat room changed to meetings and actual roleplaying. By this point, she had broken up with her ex, but that’s a whole other subject which had nothing to do with me and quite frankly, wasn’t any of my business. Anyhow, my partner who is also an “AB” himself isn’t a parent type at all. Therefore he allowed me to partake in this with her, because he knew I’d worked so hard to get her to understand and possibly role-play together with us one day.

We had some pretty awkward starts to say the least, but nothing to the point where it caused any damage and couldn’t learn from over time. By the time last year was over, we were to the point of non-intercourse sexual gratification between diaper changes and dry breast feeding.

Now, coming from a background where my “baby side” almost destroyed life because I let it become too obsessive in the past; I made sure to keep any eye on myself, as well as make sure she was doing this for me because she enjoyed it and not because she felt she needed to. That in itself became a problem, not so much for being her baby, but the fact that we had established an almost sexual nature around it, and although my partner was always present and knew it was strictly for experience, my female friend couldn’t help but feel it might be crossing the line, especially after my partner and I got married.

Up till just recently, she didn’t have a boyfriend, so we saw each other off and on, trying to stick to the basics of “baby play”, no longer doing anything sexual, save for the breastfeeding, which we were still ok with.

Last night, we got into a long conversation about our “parent/baby relationship”, because she was supposed to come over, but although I saw her online and could have asked her why she didn’t; I’ve also come to know her as one who doesn’t just up and cancel meetings without an explanation. I figured there might be a problem, but she didn’t know how to come out to me about it.

Long story short, we talked about the “baby play” and came to the decision that she shouldn’t do it anymore, because of the risk of hurting her new relationship and being honest. I will be completely honest, it sucked BUT, we are in fact responsible grown adults and our play could grow to potentially become a problem.

I asked her since she was the only close friend who “knew” about this side of me, would it be ok if I could still dress up as her baby when she hung out with me here at the house. She told me that our play, however done, is created around sexual nature and that it’s hard for her to “half-step” around it without wanting to do it completely. With that, we decided it was best that we quit doing it altogether.

Personally, I don’t love her any less as a friend for it and in fact, I respect her more for being honest with me about the whole ordeal. As an adult, I more than completely understand and respect the situation. On the flipside, as a baby, I just want to crawl up in a fetal position somewhere and cry until I have no more tears to spill.

I know it’s silly to say, but a part of me was lost last night and I’ve been stupidly depressed about it ever since. It’s funny, as an adult, especially at 32 years of age, you would think a situation like this wouldn’t be too hard to get over and yet, I find myself at the computer pouring my heart out. I guess through the tears though, I could consider myself to be pretty luck after all, because most adult babies never get any kind of real life experience, even less so, married to a different person.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself………..


  1. BabyKayla's Avatar
    Aww :c I'm so sad to hear this! And yes, you're correct, most *Bs don't have the opportunity to partake in being babied or taken care of, as sad as that is. In addition, I can't possibly understand how hard this must be on you :c but as much as it may hurt, and as cliché as this sounds, you should be happy it happened. you didn't fully lose her, and there's always hope that the two of you will start up again someday in the future. And even if it's not with her, that certainly doesn't mean that no one else will glady take care of you. Just keep your chin up!

    As for the crying, if I were you I'd just let it out. It's fine to react in a childish manner to this situation, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

    I hope things get better soon! Just don't lose hope.
  2. Marka's Avatar

    I agree with what BabyKayla said...and add to that, your thoughts, feelings, and understandings are very well written, and expressed here!

    I have every confidence in you to see your way through this. We all agree, that you are lucky to have had this experience...though that doesn't negate the fact of your loss.

    Grief is an individual thing only advice, if that you go through it as natural as you can, don't hurry through it, but don't get mired down with it either.

    A part of you was lost...I don't believe that it's silly to recognize that, lest you forget that a new part of you may grow from this too.

    I appreciate your lack of selfishness in recognizing, and respecting everyone's feelings and needs in this situation...I look forward to hearing more from you!

    My sympathies, and warmest regards,
  3. Ebonybaby's Avatar
    Thank you BabyKayla and Marka,

    No matter how much I wanted to scream "no, I can't let you go, I'd be lost without you", it's not fair to her. She has been having problems with trying to find the right guy for her, so she can move on with life and start the family she has her heart set on. Who would I be to get in her way, much less have her continue to by my "mommy", when we aren't even a couple and can never be. They say, if you really love someone, you'll let them go and I know this is a different situation for such a saying, but to me, it fits rather well because she needs her own life. If for some reason, this relationship doesn't work out, then maybe it can happen again one day, but don't misunderstand me, I wish her NOTHING but the best and I hope her and her new boyfriend go on in life to get married and have as many children as ether her heart desires or they can handle at least. In the meantime, I’ll continue to try and make friends here at “ADISC” (lord knows I’ve always been somewhat horrible at that lol) and get by with some of the wonderful fantasy stories here as well as other sites - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.