Tony The Turd-Burglar...
by, 07-Jul-2012 at 12:15 (549 Views)
... Lives round my way.
Which is the explanation I offer for my strange behaviour of locking the toilet door, even though everybody else that lives here is on holiday.
There is literally zero chance of being walked in on whilst mounting the throne, yet still I lock the door!
Conditioning? Habit? No. It's because there's an old man who, after posing as a generic workman to gain access to your bathroom and install cameras, waits until you sit upon the potty and drop one, then detonates the hidden chloroform canisters he left behind, so that he may sneak in and steal your poop.
Nobody has ever seen this happen (they woudn't, really, since they're unconscious) but I feel this simultaneously explains the common phenomena of people 'passing out' when they poop.
Despite the lack of eyewitness accounts, I can confirm that there is an old man who we see on our street and that he smells very strongly of poop. This, and the fact he has a shifty look about him, means he is almost definitely the local turd-burglar.
Rumour has it he takes them home and is constructing a poop-castle from them. Only one person has ever gone to try and verify this but they haven't returned. That was two years ago. We fear he has turned rogue and is currently standing atop a poop-battalion brandishing a balloon-sword at the moths he considers the enemy.
I know what you're thinking, though... My, what a tall story or Seems a lot of effort to go to for some poop but I cannot stress to you enough the strength and depth of this man's fetish. It is believed that, on a slow day, he visits local parks and collects all the dog poop he can find and now has an almost-complete dog-poop drawbridge.
I urge you all to be vigilant and to take every measure possible to ensure the safety of your poop. My five-point plan details just some possibilities.
1. Lock your bathroom door even in an empty house - this will slow him down, hopefully long enough for you to regain consciousness.
2. Take someone with you to stand guard. Maintain conversation with them so that, should you suddenly stop replying, they know there is a problem.
3. Only ever poop in public places. Make every effort to know and learn your nearest McDonalds or supermarket, and run a few drills so you know how long it will take you to get there. Time is of the essence.
4. Train a life-sized, lookalike doll/robot - or a real-life, human lookalike if you have one and don't care about the future of his/her poop - to take your poops for you. This will confuse the turd-burglar and possibly give you a chance to capture him.
5. Stick to pooping in your diapers. He will never know when you've pooped and thus, your precious cargo will remain safe.
I hope you have found this blog informative. I am by no means the leading authority on the man the Police are calling 'The Pooper-Scooper' but I have become privvy to at least some information, so please don't hesitate to ask questions.
I ask, though, that you do not broadcast what I have shared with you here today. It is imperative that we do not spook this criminal, since it is unclear what he might be capable of. It may only be poop today, but the Police are increasingly concerned that he has the ability and the capacity to expand his field, possibly as far as stealing our tears.
And, I'm sure you'll agree, we just cannot allow that to happen.
Stay strong, my friends, and watch your backs(ides).