by, 21-Apr-2012 at 01:31 (270 Views)
Its been a long time since I have been on here. And since then, theres been alot thats been going on in my life. I suffered a 10 month layoff at my job and its really what put my personal life on hold. But the good news is, im back to work. Have been for a few months, and I finally have a computer back.
I hope to try to be on more, but I have been trying to set my priorities in order and that starts with spending time with my kids and family. Its more important than me time. Especially with the hours I am putting in at work. I dont have alot of free time. I could really use some me time. But it seems as though my life is flying by me faster and faster each day. Ive been dealing with alot of issues lately, well actually for a while. I dont know if its a mid life crisis or if I am more messed up then I previously thought I was. All I know is Im not happy with where my life is right now (with the exception of my wife and kids) and where its going and how fast its going by. My miserable job that I spend 12 plus hours a day at is not helping. I dont know what has been wrong with me but I need some serious soul searching to figure out where to go in life. Like I said, I think a small part of it is a maybe a mid life crisis but I dont believe thats the full extent of it. I turned 30 last year, and I feel for some reason as if Ive turned 50. Its like in a blink of an eye my young adult life is over, and its really not. I know this but I cant quit feeling this way. And to top it off, I have this constant worry about everything. 80 % of my worry is my health. It hasnt helped that I lost a family member in their mid 20s a couple years ago to major health problems. I constantly feel as if something bad is going to happen to me, and my time is short. Im not a hypocondriac. I dont think that i have every illness. I just feel as though any day im going to find out I have some life threating illness. It drives me nuts. How do I slow my life down and get rid of these thoughts and enjoy my life. How do I get rid of these thoughts of bad things in my head. I need a new direction in life and I dont know where to turn. Ive found my self feeling as if bad things are destined my way just because of the lack of normalcy in my life. Two years ago I spilled my guts to my wife over my personal life and she very openly accepted it and for a while I felt normal again. Things were ok. Now im back to feeling like an outcast waiting for something bad to happen to me at any moment. Theres no good reason why. I have so many mixed emotions about so many things that even Im confused as to what is wrong with me. I wish I could be more open and be myself which can never happen. Even at home. No one but my wife needs to know about my feelings. Or my personal life. Especially my kids. I just feel like im trapped in a cage or something. I really got to slow things down and get back on track. and posting all these random thoughts has helped. Hopefully things will work themselves out and I can get back to some sence of normalcy.