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Cottontail

Out (Part Deux)

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(For context, please see my previous blog entry.)

Great Wolf Lodge turned out not to be a venue for discussing diaper fetishes, which was probably for the best! Instead, it happened last night. Partially. When I got home from work, my wife and kids were home. Everything seemed happy and normal--again, encouraging. (I'd taken my bag of diapers and tossed them in my car trunk, which I figured would not have gone unnoticed!) Kids' bedtimes came and went, and my wife sat down on the couch to read. Perhaps I should have simply taken that opportunity to tell her that I had something to explain, but I chickened out. Instead, I sat down in my office and resumed work on one of my electronics projects.

Sure enough, only a few minutes into that, the door creaked open and my wife walked in and sat down. She asked me what I was working on, so I explained briefly. An awkward silence followed, and then she asked, "So, I found something while I was cleaning up the garage and I don't understand it." I turned to her and asked her what she wanted to know, but immediately felt like a jerk because I could tell that she was about as nervous asking as I would be telling. Finally, she asked, "What were those diapers for?" I began by telling her that they were in my car trunk while I decided what to do with them (which is true--I've never felt like dumping my stash more than now!). I told her that, as much as I wished I could tell her that I didn't like to wear diapers, it was an urge I'd had for as long as I could remember, and something I seemed to be stuck with. I told her that I was sorry for keeping it a secret, and that I hoped she would understand why I would be too embarrassed to bring it up. She seemed to be nodding in agreement, but then said, "I wish you could trust me." I certainly deserved that.

To make a long story short: That's it. No more was said of the diapers. I was not asked whether my interest in diapers was sexual, nor was I asked whether I used my diapers for their intended purpose. Basically, the surface was barely scratched. Instead, she simply followed by telling me that she was going to bed early, which is actually the norm for Friday since she coaches a marathon running group on Saturday. The rest of the bedtime routine was slightly quieter than normal, though hugs and kisses were exchanged. As usual, I got up early this morning with her, made her a to-go latte and printed up the maps for her team. She seemed very happy and appreciative, said, "I love you," hugs, kisses--no longer apprehensive. That's positive, I suppose!

Butů I pretty much failed to take things head-on, and consequently they're still largely unresolved. I don't really know what she thinks, although I appear not to be hurtling toward divorce or anything so dire. What to do next? Ask her if there's any *more* she would like to know? Ask her what she would like me to do? An optimistic read of things might be that I've been given license to carry on in private, but I can't honestly say I know what would happen if she found my diapers again, so in that sense it's like nothing has changed.

Sorry for the anticlimax!
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Comments

  1. Maxx's Avatar
    She's a distance runner. At the risk of overgeneralizing, they tend to be more introspective on average. I would guess she's sorting it out internally. That could be good, or bad for you and your fetish. Not that this observation helps you any, but its all I got.
  2. Cottontail's Avatar
    Yeah, I think your generalization is fair in the context of my own running career, however she is not that way at all! One of the reasons she and I don't run together is that she very much wants to talk to somebody the whole time, whereas I simply can't do that. If my brain is at all connected to my body while I'm running, it's because I'm counting seconds per breath or otherwise trying to measure my performance. Otherwise, I try to just daydream!

    She's usually pretty transparent when it comes to her feelings, so I'm hoping that's the case here. We shall see. I don't know what to do except take things very slowly.
  3. ManicMunchkin's Avatar
    If it's any help, when my SO first found out, I later discovered she had all sorts of misconceptions about it floating around in her head, and it took quite a while to sort everything out. It might be wise just to bite the bullet and lay everything out so she knows exactly what's going on and doesn't imagine something worse. At least it sounds like she isn't too appalled, which is definitely a good sign. Who knows? This might actually be an avenue for some good mutual understanding about the matter, and that could end up leading to a watershed of good things, like not having to hide quite so much. I hope everything turns out well for you.
  4. Cottontail's Avatar
    Thanks, slim. Yep, gotta get up the nerve. I'm seldom shy about speaking my mind, but when it comes to this stuff I'm as chicken as they get! Nothing more has been said, and I've tried hard to spot signs of awkwardness between us. So far, zip. In a way, I suppose it would be easier if there was awkwardness, as then I'd have an obvious reason to speak up.
  5. Marka's Avatar
    Snooping about...almost a year later, what has transpired from this event?

    I really liked your analogy...walking into a bank, shouting "I don't have a gun" and "I'm not here to rob the bank"...or to that effect.
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