by, 17-Dec-2011 at 07:00 (311 Views)
I do not expect anyone to read, I just need to vent and try and get some things off my mind.
I have been trying really hard to keep myself together. I have experienced several hardships within the last few months which has been even harder on me financially. I put a lot of effort into not breaking down and just losing control and destroying my body even more. I recently started a medication that decreases my appetite and I have knowingly starved myself because it is the closest I can get to hurting myself without any real signs of distress. Yes I have lost a lot of weight, which is noticeable but I can convince people easier that it was purposeful because I was considered obese, now Iím just overweight (according to definition).
I have learned my lesson with being razor friendly and I cringe every time someone asks why I have so many scars. In addition, I obviously have no ability to communicate with my ďfriendsĒ because I only have 2, one of which is my fiancť and the other I donít really consider that kind of friend. Well I do, but I think Iím just screwed up in the relationship department, I cannot create new ones and I can barely manage to keep the ones I have. I am aware that my relationship issues are extensive as I find myself feeling a strong connection to complete strangers, movie characters, etc., and I have all of these feelings that I have a hard time understanding. It almost feels like I was friends with that person, but we got in a fight and I try so desperately to fix it regardless of fault because of my inability to be alone. My entire life I have prayed for a best friend, sadly I should be able to say that person is my fiancť, but sometimes I feel like I am alone.
Most of the time, my words are meaningless and I have to repeat myself several times, mostly when referencing a conversation a good time after the original conversation. It really gets me depressed because I cannot help but to allow my brain to build walls up because my perception is that she really doesnít care about what I have to say, so why go out of my way to try to talk to her when I know there is a chance my words will be meaningless and a waste of time. Additionally, the majority of my childhood was spent being yelled at, etc. and I am really sensitive about being yelled at, yet, time and time again, I relive the hell I worked hard to escape. My mind is just so screwed up, itís hard to keep track what is what anymore. I have so many fears about why the majority of my childhood memories have been suppressed and I am scared to explore that road.
I have spent the last few months continually exhausted to the point where I could sleep for days, not because I am physically tired but because Iím just tired of feeling this way with no way of escaping it. I would honestly rather not be awake, but rather in and out of consciousness, spending my time dreaming of a better world. I can honestly say that if I didnít have to leave my house, I probably wouldnít. In fact, I hate leaving my bedroom, let alone my house. I find comfort at home and I donít know if itís because that is where my dog is, and in the past, dogs have been the only true friend I have managed to make and keep; dogs and imaginary friends I speak to in my mind.
I know it is not my sole responsibility, but I feel like it is all on me to financially support us due to a lack of motivation to attempt to get her life back on track and finish schooling. I feel like I have done a really good job on trying to stay positive and repeating the story of Job to help me keep my faith that God never abandons his children, but itís tough. It is especially tough when I canít help but to feel my whole lifeís worth of burdens start to burst out of the seams at any given moment. No matter how hard I try to let go of my burdens and allow God to carry them, I still canít help but to hold onto them.
Where does my DL life come into play in all of this? I try to enjoy it but I donít even know what I like about it anymore. I used to think it was sexual, but in fact I never get aroused, ever. It doesnít matter what I or my fiancť do, I am never fully aroused, I feel like I have to force myself to perform. I donít know if it has anything to do with the fact that I have been masturbating since the young age of 7 or 8 (my memories are too vague to be sure) but it really has added additional strain on my relationship. Despite my efforts to try and explain that I cannot control why I cannot get aroused, it still affects our relationship. With all of my flaws, and inability to keep my fiancť happy, I cannot help but to feel dysfunctional and have low self-esteem.
I just wish that I had that person in my life that I could just go to and talk and feel better because they know me better than I do and know how to make these feelings go away. I hate feeling them, they always bring the unwanted memories from my past.