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TenSwords

I think I may have depression.

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I've gone through quite a bit in the last year or so, and I thought I had a good handle on everything. I kind of just thought I forgot about certain things, but I think something else has really happened here...

For starters, I noticed that I have not really been happy for a long time, several months. I also haven't been sad either. Just sort of empty and feeling like I'm just a shell of skin, for the most part. Like I'm nothing more than a vessel used for someone's soul who isn't necessarily me. That's putting it in drastic terms, but I just want to get that particular point across.

As for how others feel is a whole other story, and a relatively conflicting one at that...I feel for the starving people of the world, and I really like to help people, for the most part. But I also don't really care about it. I'm not intentionally impartial, that's just who I thought I was for a while, but I notice that I'm also impartial about myself in many ways. I just feel as though I lack concern for ANYTHING anymore.

I haven't been able to focus in school too well either, and I tend to procrastinate a lot. It's like it would be a shame to miss those assignments because I know I'm supposed to get good grades, but if I miss some assignments...well, I really just don't care.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do after this year. Part of me just wants to move into a place, get a steady job, and get a break from school. Another part wants to stay in school in hopes that something will just push me along in the right way, and I'll end up with a better job. Plus, it's the only way I can be around people that aren't my parents.

I'm lost in my own thoughts a LOT. Mostly about how God does exist sometimes, and how He might not some other times, and how Jesus might be the Christ, and vice versa, etc., and I can't seem to not be in that mindset. I'm also incredibly tired often as well, and I get TONS of sleep most nights.

This particular bit is a little tough for me to openly state, but I will anyways: sometimes when I get in really severe bouts of sadness, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to empty the contents of my head in some form or another. I just find some kind of feeling of relief when I think of that, just to not have to think anymore. I don't think it's suicidal ideations, I think it's just a frontal lobotomy of sorts. It's a weird way to put it...

I don't know. That's probably the best way to put it. I just don't know. I just want to feel as though there's something to look forward to in the many years to come, and to know exactly what it is we're here for.
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Comments

  1. avery's Avatar
    interesting idea about emptying your head of all thoughts. that's what people try to do when they're meditating, of course, and it's supposed to give you the deepest sense of peace and contentment you could ever feel.
  2. Point's Avatar
    Too Depressed to Grocery Shop

    I can't say exactly when or why it happened but after... something... happened a few months ago I've just tried feeling stuff more than thinking about it. For example: I hate the cold and being cold is lame. But when I'm out waiting for the bus for 10 minutes at 32F I have, rather than "this sucks, I'm so cold", been saying, "I can feel the cold on my eyes! Whoo", and that takes my mind off it for a surprisingly long time.

    I kind of felt like I was betraying my logos by experiencing things rather than contemplating them but it snapped me out of the funk I was in for most of high school and early college. It's an easy shift to make if you want to try it!
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