TenSwords

I've gone through quite a bit in the last year or so, and I thought I had a good handle on everything. I kind of just thought I forgot about certain things, but I think something else has really happened here...

For starters, I noticed that I have not really been happy for a long time, several months. I also haven't been sad either. Just sort of empty and feeling like I'm just a shell of skin, for the most part. Like I'm nothing more than a vessel used for someone's soul who isn't necessarily me. That's putting it in drastic terms, but I just want to get that particular point across.

As for how others feel is a whole other story, and a relatively conflicting one at that...I feel for the starving people of the world, and I really like to help people, for the most part. But I also don't really care about it. I'm not intentionally impartial, that's just who I thought I was for a while, but I notice that I'm also impartial about myself in many ways. I just feel as though I lack concern for ANYTHING anymore.

I haven't been able to focus in school too well either, and I tend to procrastinate a lot. It's like it would be a shame to miss those assignments because I know I'm supposed to get good grades, but if I miss some assignments...well, I really just don't care.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do after this year. Part of me just wants to move into a place, get a steady job, and get a break from school. Another part wants to stay in school in hopes that something will just push me along in the right way, and I'll end up with a better job. Plus, it's the only way I can be around people that aren't my parents.

I'm lost in my own thoughts a LOT. Mostly about how God does exist sometimes, and how He might not some other times, and how Jesus might be the Christ, and vice versa, etc., and I can't seem to not be in that mindset. I'm also incredibly tired often as well, and I get TONS of sleep most nights.

This particular bit is a little tough for me to openly state, but I will anyways: sometimes when I get in really severe bouts of sadness, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to empty the contents of my head in some form or another. I just find some kind of feeling of relief when I think of that, just to not have to think anymore. I don't think it's suicidal ideations, I think it's just a frontal lobotomy of sorts. It's a weird way to put it...

I don't know. That's probably the best way to put it. I just don't know. I just want to feel as though there's something to look forward to in the many years to come, and to know exactly what it is we're here for.