by, 28-Nov-2011 at 17:54 (333 Views)
Four score, and seven years ago...
Ahem, pardon me... That was, just me attempting humor before seriousness. Not sure if it worked.
It has been a while since I actually hit this site and contributed. Seeing as I've been to the doctor a few times, and we've tried to figure out why and failed, I need somewhere I can talk about it. To let my feelings out. To talk to people that understand what's happening, who have already been through the stages.... It's official. My bladder function is deteriorating. Its not going at super-lightning-speed, but its enough that my want for diapers is slowly becoming a need.
I had a small bout of bedwetting like, 4 years ago. Lasted for a few months. That hadn't happened since i was 8 (I was 15 when it happened [I think that's 4 years ago]). Doctor mentioned to me that the possibility of it coming back (and staying) were slight, because of the history I had and to keep an eye out for the signs (like more than normal frequent bathroom usage).
So I had mixed feelings about it then, and still do now.
Upside: The fact that its going actually excites me a bit. I'll have a reason to have them in the house, not just a want because then I just have to hide it (and people would think I'm some kind of pervert, and I DON'T want that). They're a very large safety net for me, as I'm a fairly insecure person. I don't like anything about me (when it comes down to looks). I have lots and lots of bad memories from grade 3 all the way to grade 12, and they are a way I can escape, and feel comfortable.
Downside: it's not a normal thing people hear about often, and ofttimes people shy away when told. My love life has never been very good, and I've always had some terrible luck with women. I'm always "too nice" or "I deserve someone better than her" or some other bullshit answer. The sad part is tho, it's kinda true. I'm too nice for my own good. I'm super soft, and let myself get pushed around too easy, even when I do stand up for myself. This, is not gonna help matters. I wanted to work in the trades. I got a couple jobs in that industry, one being a tireman for Fountain Tire and one in a screenprinting shop. I was let go of both jobs. Not because of what is going on with me, but because I was apparently struggling with the job. I think this is life's way of telling me "You are not destined for the trades, you are destined for something else that will help ease dealing with your issue."
Now, I've never liked the prospect of sitting in an office or at a counter or anything like that. I'm too fidgety. I can't sit still. Something always has to be moving. I fall asleep if I get too warm, and I'm not interested in whats going on, or what I'm doing. Rethinking this though, I see a prospect of working with computers. I'm fairly decent with my computer already. I've fixed viruses before. Game programming would be kinda cool too (imagine, my name in the credits for the next big multi-platform video game...)
I am at peace with myself though. I have no qualms about anything, and I'm prepared to deal with everything that is to come. I recently came out to my best friends about this whole thing, and thank freakin' god, they're both still my best friends. That was my biggest worry.
Anyway, thanks for listening (to whoever listened )