My life is a black hole...
by, 27-Nov-2011 at 23:13 (339 Views)
I can't take this anymore...
Time to be completely honest.
A couple weeks ago, I tried to kill myself. Iím tired of hiding how I feel. Iím tired of telling people Iím ďfineĒ and everything is going well. Everything is NOT okay. Everything sucks. I attempted suicide and failed miserably. I havenít told my parents. I havenít told my therapist. I havenít told anyone of authority.
There was an 18 wheeler going 75 mph on the highway. I was on the on ramp. I took the change, decided that was what I wanted, and sped up, just enough to cut off the truck. As soon as I was ahead of him I brokeÖhard. Closed my eyes.
My life didnít flash before my eyes, all I saw was blackness. I felt as though my body had gone into limbo. I was somewhere between earth and space.
Next thing I know Iím back in my own body, not even a second past; it felt like a year. My eyes were still closed, and I hear the blaring of the trucks horn.
I opened my eyes and the world was spinning. I couldnít focus on the road, and I didnít move from where I was until I realized cars were honking for me to get out of the middle of the lane.
As I drove to my destination, I was mentally paralyzed. What did I just do?
My first attempt. All of those ideations finally spilled over.
I got to her house. She saw me, I saw her, and somehow I think she knew. Because when I told her what just happened, she wasnít surprised. I saw no surprise in her eyes.
As though she was expecting it.
Ever since this incident, I havenít been sleeping or eating properly. Havenít done my homework. Iíve been self-conscious of my weight, of my intelligence, of my actionsÖ living has been completely worthless and intimidating.
I regret my choice on the highway that night; that I chose an attempt method that is almost guaranteed to fail.
Until the day my therapist forces me into a hospital, on medication, against my willÖ I will hope that what I did wouldíve worked. Depression is debilitating. For me, itís lethal. Living everyday has become one of the hardest things Iíve ever done.
And that. That is the truth.