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Catinthehat

My life is a black hole...

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I can't take this anymore...
Time to be completely honest.

A couple weeks ago, I tried to kill myself. Iím tired of hiding how I feel. Iím tired of telling people Iím ďfineĒ and everything is going well. Everything is NOT okay. Everything sucks. I attempted suicide and failed miserably. I havenít told my parents. I havenít told my therapist. I havenít told anyone of authority.

There was an 18 wheeler going 75 mph on the highway. I was on the on ramp. I took the change, decided that was what I wanted, and sped up, just enough to cut off the truck. As soon as I was ahead of him I brokeÖhard. Closed my eyes.

My life didnít flash before my eyes, all I saw was blackness. I felt as though my body had gone into limbo. I was somewhere between earth and space.

Next thing I know Iím back in my own body, not even a second past; it felt like a year. My eyes were still closed, and I hear the blaring of the trucks horn.

He swerved.

I opened my eyes and the world was spinning. I couldnít focus on the road, and I didnít move from where I was until I realized cars were honking for me to get out of the middle of the lane.

As I drove to my destination, I was mentally paralyzed. What did I just do?

My first attempt. All of those ideations finally spilled over.

I got to her house. She saw me, I saw her, and somehow I think she knew. Because when I told her what just happened, she wasnít surprised. I saw no surprise in her eyes.

As though she was expecting it.

Ever since this incident, I havenít been sleeping or eating properly. Havenít done my homework. Iíve been self-conscious of my weight, of my intelligence, of my actionsÖ living has been completely worthless and intimidating.

I regret my choice on the highway that night; that I chose an attempt method that is almost guaranteed to fail.

Until the day my therapist forces me into a hospital, on medication, against my willÖ I will hope that what I did wouldíve worked. Depression is debilitating. For me, itís lethal. Living everyday has become one of the hardest things Iíve ever done.

And that. That is the truth.
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Comments

  1. quattrus's Avatar
    I'm not gonna comment on suicide attempts, and I generally try to refrain from making harsh comments at all, but the really serious thing here is that - looking at the dynamics as you have described them - you have put other people's lives in danger, potentially originating a chain crash on the highway. If the thought of purposely putting an end to your own life is already questionable (to say the very least) in its own, I hope you also realized that what you did was just a selfish and criminal act with potentially catastrophic consequences on the lives of others.
  2. TenSwords's Avatar
    Suicide never solves problems. It ruins lives and ends another one. You need to realize that you are here because someone, something, gave you a chance to be here. It sure would be a shame to end it on a sad note, and to not live life to the standard at which it was intended to be lived to. You must remember something, something important that you must feel the importance of:

    You have ONE chance to live.

    Just one. It's nothing to be taken lightly my friend!
    Not only that, but you will more than likely cause some emotional turmoil for all your close family members, and things may take a turn for the worse for one of them. You wouldn't want that, would you?

    No one should be sad. What is so bad in your life that makes you want to end it? Hang with some friends. If you don't know any, meet some. If you can't do that, then move or drive somewhere to make it so. Make an effort to try and feel better instead of wallowing in your own sorrow! There are so many things in this world you will be missing out on if you choose to just stop living.

    Please, get some more help. Talk to your parents. Talk to your friends. Talk to your dog. Talk to yourself through a diary.
    And please, tell your therapist. Depression can be helped tremendously with the right tools.
  3. Ninikins's Avatar
    You should really talk to someone about this. That is a heavy burden to bear. I have been through depression and have attempted plenty of times to kill myself. I had to be put on medication against my will as well.

    But I don't regret it.

    I'm not saying you must take medication, but you do need to talk to someone. Please get help, there is more to life.
  4. Cottontail's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by TheVisceral
    Talk to your parents. <snip> And please, tell your therapist.
    This, PLEASE! I'm sure it helps a little to get this out and share your feelings on ADISC, but the people physically in your life will have so much more impact! I know (or think I do) from prior posts that you have a cool mom who is very understanding and loves you very much. Please talk to her. As a parent myself, I promise you that next to the thought of losing her daughter, the scope of whatever you're facing will seem immeasurably small to her, and she'll do everything she can to help you without thinking twice.
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