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Changing for the better, I hope...

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I feel like writing just to write I guess. I went to hell and back and I'm sitting here now just thinking about how much has changed recently. I just feel like letting the world in on what I've been through, whether anyone gives a sh*t or not, I don't care...

I've always had this problem talking to girls, and I think it stemmed from me always hating myself. In high school, I'd sometimes have girls who would try to talk to me and get my number to text or w/e, but I tried my best to avoid getting into a relationship. Many times, they thought I was just leading them on, and I never would mean for it to be that way, I hate hurting girls and I hate people who do, it's so f*cked up. I guess it was because I hated myself so much that I felt like they shouldn't be wasting their time trying to get with me when there are millions of other guys out there who are way better than what can they see in me if I don't see anything in myself? So I never had a girlfriend, I've never been kissed, never held hands, you know all that stuff that comes along with being in a relationship, and now I'm 21. What else that's always been a problem I guess is that I'm not ever usually aroused by girls, so if sex came into play, well yea, that's another reason why I tend not to try to get in relationships.

So after high school, I went to college thinking I'd make a ton of friends and possibly grow out of the immature state I was in and even get a girlfriend. Ha. Sooooo I'm a VERY shy person, I'm always afraid of what other people think of me, and I now automatically think someone thinks of me in disgust or as a creeper if I try to talk to them, so that's why I keep to myself in person and online, like on here. I went all Freshman year of college without making any friends, and I was so scared to associate with people, I wouldn't leave my dorm room, and since I had no food in there many times, I went from 225 pounds to 180 in one semester. I got extremely depressed and hated myself for me not trying to put myself out there. When I did try, I'd freeze up. I remember I was on the elevator with this cute girl who had saw before that I was into music and mentioned something about it, but even though it was the same girl, I couldn't do anything or say a word, and I remember when she walked off the elevator, I was sweating and shaking, I was so embarrassed of myself.

But anyway, Freshman year, I developed this paranoia where I can't meet people, especially girls. I can't look anyone in the eyes, and if I do and they see me, then I'm a creeper/horrible person/etc. If a girl is cute, I'm way out of her league. If a girl is gorgeous, me talking to her is a myth. I hate looking at guys too b/c all of them are better than I am, so every guy I see has a better chance than I do with that 'cute girl over there', so why bother. But at the same time, I know with all my heart I'm going to be alone forever, and it kills me. I can't get over this problem or hating myself so much, so there's no way I will ever meet a girl who will talk to someone as messed up as me. This problem has gotten so much worse since then.

Sophomore year, I don't really remember too much about it. I lost a very close friend to me in a car wreck, and so I fell into a dark depression, and everything from that year is just a blur to me.

Junior year, I finally met my 1st college friend. I ran into him twice in one day, and he was wearing a band T, so the 2nd time I saw him, I worked up the courage to talk to him. Ever since then, he's been like my best friend, we go to shows all the time, in fact we're going to one tomorrow.

This year, senior year, wow. My friend introduced me to his friend and wow, she is totally awesome. She's like my only other college friend. But yea, one night, she overheard me say something negative about myself, and she wanted to know why, so I told her I couldn't stand myself. Later, she sat with me and got me to open up about my feelings. This was a breakthrough moment in my life... before that, I'd never opened up to anyone about my emotions, no one knew I was a wreck. Also, this was the 1st time I'd ever really had an intimate conversation with a girl. I'd never before had liked a girl b/c I wouldn't ever allow myself to get close enough to actually like them... well this time was different...

So to cut to the chase, I ended up really liking her. She ended up spilling to me that she liked my friend (the one I met Junior year). I talked to him and he didn't like her, so I was like 'I have a chance.' Since I have this paranoia thing, I knew I didn't have a chance with her since she was cute b/c I view myself as disgusting. I also fell into the darkest depression I've ever had, and I guess alot of it was due to the necessity to overcome my attachment to her b/c I knew she could do better than me. I started running everyday and I stopped eating entirely, which was stupid, I got super sick. In fact, I knew logically I shouldn't like her b/c she likes my friend, and also b/c I didn't have a chance. One night, I had all of this weighing on my mind and then the thought came to my mind of me being alone forever b/c I can't get over these emotional conflicts I have with myself, and I almost "did something" to myself.

After my friend came back and told her he did like her, they started to date. This made me feel like an asshole and a dick friend b/c I knew logically that I should be happy for them, but I couldn't feel anything but so jealous and so alone. After a week of not seeing either of them, I had another episode b/c I felt so secluded, so alone. Anyone I was remotely close with was in a relationship and I just seemed so alone like I had no friends anymore. I was in the shower and then got more suicidal visions, this time more vivid than ever, I burst into tears. I was so close... but I thank a good friend I met on here for talking to me at that time.

I went two weeks after that in a zombie-like state, I don't remember anything really. I decided to come home that wkend so I wouldn't drink myself into oblivion like I've done alot recently since I've been depressed, but when I came home, I weighed myself and realized I've lost 25 pounds so far and I'm the lightest I've ever been since 6th grade, or 175 pounds. My sister and family couldn't believe how I looked even though I couldn't even see a change. My sister's friend tried to get with me (where the paranoia thing came into affect). After getting back to college after that wkend, I felt like I'd been a dick to my 2 friends for not being able to accept their relationship. And since I'd been opening up more and more recently, I decided to tell them both individually why I acted the way I acted. It's like our friendship is back to normal now, it's great, although they got in a fight last week about sex and broke up, so they're currently mad at each other, but I hope things will get back completely to how they were originally where we were all friends.

Wow, that was a sh*tty summary of what I wanted to say. I have a 56 page word document where I just kept writing and writing and writing and... yea. So I just wanted to say everything in a little bit and this is what came out. I am now not completely hating myself, although I can't look at myself in the mirror yet. I can open up to people now, this is the first time ever and I feel slightly comfortable about doing it too. I still have this paranoia and I feel like I'm going to be alone forever b/c of it. I'm still running alot and I want to get down to 150 since I've never been "skinny"... I want this whole mess of things right here to fix themselves, I want to feel like I'm free from the burdens I put on myself...

Oh, and I think next time I talk with one of my super old friends, I'm going to tell her about this ABDL thing. I feel much more comfortable about opening up now, but I just have to find a way to tell her such that she doesn't look at me as a weirdo or w/e, which I don't think she will, we've been friends for ages.

And if you want to b*tch and moan about my blog... don't. Just don't say anything or even read it, I'm not here to waste your time, I'm just here to be open since this is a new concept for me and I'm taking advantage of it


  1. Snaps's Avatar
    Wow. sounds like quite an ordeal dude. If you ever feel like making a new friend, send me a message, and we'll chat
  2. TenSwords's Avatar
    Who would even want to bitch or moan about depression? That would be heartless.

    In all honesty, you really don't look that bad at all in your profile picture. I'm honestly surprised women aren't all over you all the time.
    You'll have no problem with attracting women with your looks; you will, however, have trouble attracting them with your social skills. I'm going to help you with talking to women on a whim!

    There are in two simple steps to getting a girl to notice and remember you:
    1) You must look good and inviting. Body language is key as well. You can determine so much through the twitch of a facial muscle, or the way someone moves their arms, just to name a few. You can't make yourself be comfortable either, because they will know that you are trying too hard. Just be chill!
    2) Women will want to talk to you after they see that you are comfortable and don't look half-bad. You must learn how to make small talk, and you must learn well. Smile a LOT. Laugh too. Show her that you are enjoying the conversation!

    After you have many conversations, she may or may not pick up on one thing about you: You are incredibly modest about things and people! Your disgust for leading women on will turn THEM on to you. You're like the perfect bird that hasn't yet hatched all the way. You need to be PROUD of who you are, almost to the point of being cocky, but not quite there. Although some women like cockiness, I can assure you that most do NOT.

    Your attention for women's personalities is also a huge plus. The guys who aren't like this are the ones who lead them on. They're one-night stands that women will regret (well, maybe not all the time, but they will not get anywhere with a relationship).

    Of course, all this is useless if you don't get out of your dorm! Go to parties with people you may know from your classes. You just need to open up, simple as that! I know it's difficult from your standpoint to just "start talking." I was there too. Instead of reading this and thinking that I don't understand, know that I DO, and that this is advice being given from my own experiences!

    Most importantly, you can't take all this information and just start talking to random women in the store or on the street; then they WILL think you're a creeper. Instead, just let it happen, and don't try to make it happen. Stop looking. They will come to you one way or another, trust me!

    Good luck! Knowing how to talk to women is something that is new to me as well, and that I find is something I'm kind of a natural at when I'm in the appropriate mood. I hope I helped!

    P.S., I remember you on a certain 18+ site a long while back. We talked about music and concerts briefly too. I had the username dldrummer1993. Remember?
    Updated 28-Nov-2011 at 02:36 by TenSwords (Grammar)
  3. neonnoodle's Avatar
    I'm glad things are starting to look up. I'll always be here if you feel like talking - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.