Changing for the better, I hope...
by, 27-Nov-2011 at 06:38 (556 Views)
I feel like writing just to write I guess. I went to hell and back and I'm sitting here now just thinking about how much has changed recently. I just feel like letting the world in on what I've been through, whether anyone gives a sh*t or not, I don't care...
I've always had this problem talking to girls, and I think it stemmed from me always hating myself. In high school, I'd sometimes have girls who would try to talk to me and get my number to text or w/e, but I tried my best to avoid getting into a relationship. Many times, they thought I was just leading them on, and I never would mean for it to be that way, I hate hurting girls and I hate people who do, it's so f*cked up. I guess it was because I hated myself so much that I felt like they shouldn't be wasting their time trying to get with me when there are millions of other guys out there who are way better than me...like what can they see in me if I don't see anything in myself? So I never had a girlfriend, I've never been kissed, never held hands, you know all that stuff that comes along with being in a relationship, and now I'm 21. What else that's always been a problem I guess is that I'm not ever usually aroused by girls, so if sex came into play, well yea, that's another reason why I tend not to try to get in relationships.
So after high school, I went to college thinking I'd make a ton of friends and possibly grow out of the immature state I was in and even get a girlfriend. Ha. Sooooo I'm a VERY shy person, I'm always afraid of what other people think of me, and I now automatically think someone thinks of me in disgust or as a creeper if I try to talk to them, so that's why I keep to myself in person and online, like on here. I went all Freshman year of college without making any friends, and I was so scared to associate with people, I wouldn't leave my dorm room, and since I had no food in there many times, I went from 225 pounds to 180 in one semester. I got extremely depressed and hated myself for me not trying to put myself out there. When I did try, I'd freeze up. I remember I was on the elevator with this cute girl who had saw before that I was into music and mentioned something about it, but even though it was the same girl, I couldn't do anything or say a word, and I remember when she walked off the elevator, I was sweating and shaking, I was so embarrassed of myself.
But anyway, Freshman year, I developed this paranoia where I can't meet people, especially girls. I can't look anyone in the eyes, and if I do and they see me, then I'm a creeper/horrible person/etc. If a girl is cute, I'm way out of her league. If a girl is gorgeous, me talking to her is a myth. I hate looking at guys too b/c all of them are better than I am, so every guy I see has a better chance than I do with that 'cute girl over there', so why bother. But at the same time, I know with all my heart I'm going to be alone forever, and it kills me. I can't get over this problem or hating myself so much, so there's no way I will ever meet a girl who will talk to someone as messed up as me. This problem has gotten so much worse since then.
Sophomore year, I don't really remember too much about it. I lost a very close friend to me in a car wreck, and so I fell into a dark depression, and everything from that year is just a blur to me.
Junior year, I finally met my 1st college friend. I ran into him twice in one day, and he was wearing a band T, so the 2nd time I saw him, I worked up the courage to talk to him. Ever since then, he's been like my best friend, we go to shows all the time, in fact we're going to one tomorrow.
This year, senior year, wow. My friend introduced me to his friend and wow, she is totally awesome. She's like my only other college friend. But yea, one night, she overheard me say something negative about myself, and she wanted to know why, so I told her I couldn't stand myself. Later, she sat with me and got me to open up about my feelings. This was a breakthrough moment in my life... before that, I'd never opened up to anyone about my emotions, no one knew I was a wreck. Also, this was the 1st time I'd ever really had an intimate conversation with a girl. I'd never before had liked a girl b/c I wouldn't ever allow myself to get close enough to actually like them... well this time was different...
So to cut to the chase, I ended up really liking her. She ended up spilling to me that she liked my friend (the one I met Junior year). I talked to him and he didn't like her, so I was like 'I have a chance.' Since I have this paranoia thing, I knew I didn't have a chance with her since she was cute b/c I view myself as disgusting. I also fell into the darkest depression I've ever had, and I guess alot of it was due to the necessity to overcome my attachment to her b/c I knew she could do better than me. I started running everyday and I stopped eating entirely, which was stupid, I got super sick. In fact, I knew logically I shouldn't like her b/c she likes my friend, and also b/c I didn't have a chance. One night, I had all of this weighing on my mind and then the thought came to my mind of me being alone forever b/c I can't get over these emotional conflicts I have with myself, and I almost "did something" to myself.
After my friend came back and told her he did like her, they started to date. This made me feel like an asshole and a dick friend b/c I knew logically that I should be happy for them, but I couldn't feel anything but so jealous and so alone. After a week of not seeing either of them, I had another episode b/c I felt so secluded, so alone. Anyone I was remotely close with was in a relationship and I just seemed so alone like I had no friends anymore. I was in the shower and then got more suicidal visions, this time more vivid than ever, I burst into tears. I was so close... but I thank a good friend I met on here for talking to me at that time.
I went two weeks after that in a zombie-like state, I don't remember anything really. I decided to come home that wkend so I wouldn't drink myself into oblivion like I've done alot recently since I've been depressed, but when I came home, I weighed myself and realized I've lost 25 pounds so far and I'm the lightest I've ever been since 6th grade, or 175 pounds. My sister and family couldn't believe how I looked even though I couldn't even see a change. My sister's friend tried to get with me (where the paranoia thing came into affect). After getting back to college after that wkend, I felt like I'd been a dick to my 2 friends for not being able to accept their relationship. And since I'd been opening up more and more recently, I decided to tell them both individually why I acted the way I acted. It's like our friendship is back to normal now, it's great, although they got in a fight last week about sex and broke up, so they're currently mad at each other, but I hope things will get back completely to how they were originally where we were all friends.
Wow, that was a sh*tty summary of what I wanted to say. I have a 56 page word document where I just kept writing and writing and writing and... yea. So I just wanted to say everything in a little bit and this is what came out. I am now not completely hating myself, although I can't look at myself in the mirror yet. I can open up to people now, this is the first time ever and I feel slightly comfortable about doing it too. I still have this paranoia and I feel like I'm going to be alone forever b/c of it. I'm still running alot and I want to get down to 150 since I've never been "skinny"... I want this whole mess of things right here to fix themselves, I want to feel like I'm free from the burdens I put on myself...
Oh, and I think next time I talk with one of my super old friends, I'm going to tell her about this ABDL thing. I feel much more comfortable about opening up now, but I just have to find a way to tell her such that she doesn't look at me as a weirdo or w/e, which I don't think she will, we've been friends for ages.
And if you want to b*tch and moan about my blog... don't. Just don't say anything or even read it, I'm not here to waste your time, I'm just here to be open since this is a new concept for me and I'm taking advantage of it