I need some help.
by, 10-Nov-2011 at 05:36 (474 Views)
I really don't even know where to start...
After exploring the possibilities of religion and God and what not, I realize that Christianity is the only way for me to be most in touch with God in a positive way. Being Buddhist helped me acknowledge the fact that there is a God somewhere out there, but it's really not that great to have that knowledge alone. It's like seeing your favorite celebrity or singer out in the street one day and not being able to talk to them. I then realized that (despite some of Christianity's hypocritical and contradictory followers) it's the only way to be in touch with God, and to utilize this connection in a positive way. So, when I can, I'll probably be a fundamental Christian, but I'll try to stay away from the different sects that come with it.
Notice the "when I can" statement...I really, really want to be happy and to be with God everywhere I go and have Him in everything I do, but my uncontrollable curse to question anything and everything has led me to being unhappy once again with God and myself. I take out the anger accumulated from these two ongoing dilemmas on God Himself, and I found myself establishing ultimatums with Him just because I think I have a right to. I know I don't. Such ultimatums consist of directly requesting that He help with my relationship problems, or I'll stop following.
Looking back on them now that I've got a clearer mind, I realize that such requests are absolutely absurd, and have nothing to with Him in any way. I don't expect Him to place a woman in front of me for my claiming, so why is it that I become such a little bitch about it?
The reason for both of those two things that I question and fume about is no doubt because of me and my lack of relationships. This lack of relationships is due to insecurity of who I am, and fear of actually getting somewhere with a woman. It all comes down to one thing, which those of you who are reading this can probably figure out.
I label myself as nothing more than a guy with a diaper fetish who will never have a successful sex life, and therefore I figure that I'll never have a successful relationship or marriage. I know I made a blog about this some time ago, but it's hitting me harder than before.
I'll often experience a realization that it's not as bad as I thought it was, but then I'll go back into believing that it is. I face these switching mindsets at least once or twice in a day. It's exhausting, and it's probably not good for my well-being.
I need help. I'm stuck in this cycle, and it's killing my beliefs and self-esteem altogether. I don't know how to stop. I guess the one thing I really want help with is accepting myself, which is what I thought had been done a long time ago. I know how it is: just don't let it control you and know it's here to stay, blah blah blah. I know this. It's just that I get these bouts of raging confusion, self-criticism and hatred for anything and everything that is both a cause and an effect of this fetish (which is why I'm so insecure about relationships, and why I tend to hate on God so much) every so often.
It's hard to think it will ever change. On one hand, if I get into a relationship, then I'll be good to go. But I can't seem to get into a relationship in the first place. I can then come to the conclusion that I'll never be truly okay.
I need to talk to someone in real life, someone I know. I can't do this unless I tell someone about my fetish, and I really can't find a suiting person to do so. My first option would be my sister, but she's too gossipy, to put it nicely. And I don't want to tell my parents because that would be awkward as hell, and I don't want to go to a counselor because I don't know them personally, and I can't trust them. I have some old friends I could confide in that I don't see anymore, but...I don't know. I'm scared of not being understood.
I don't know why I wrote this. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they kill me...