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TenSwords

I need some help.

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I really don't even know where to start...

After exploring the possibilities of religion and God and what not, I realize that Christianity is the only way for me to be most in touch with God in a positive way. Being Buddhist helped me acknowledge the fact that there is a God somewhere out there, but it's really not that great to have that knowledge alone. It's like seeing your favorite celebrity or singer out in the street one day and not being able to talk to them. I then realized that (despite some of Christianity's hypocritical and contradictory followers) it's the only way to be in touch with God, and to utilize this connection in a positive way. So, when I can, I'll probably be a fundamental Christian, but I'll try to stay away from the different sects that come with it.

Notice the "when I can" statement...I really, really want to be happy and to be with God everywhere I go and have Him in everything I do, but my uncontrollable curse to question anything and everything has led me to being unhappy once again with God and myself. I take out the anger accumulated from these two ongoing dilemmas on God Himself, and I found myself establishing ultimatums with Him just because I think I have a right to. I know I don't. Such ultimatums consist of directly requesting that He help with my relationship problems, or I'll stop following.

Looking back on them now that I've got a clearer mind, I realize that such requests are absolutely absurd, and have nothing to with Him in any way. I don't expect Him to place a woman in front of me for my claiming, so why is it that I become such a little bitch about it?

The reason for both of those two things that I question and fume about is no doubt because of me and my lack of relationships. This lack of relationships is due to insecurity of who I am, and fear of actually getting somewhere with a woman. It all comes down to one thing, which those of you who are reading this can probably figure out.

I label myself as nothing more than a guy with a diaper fetish who will never have a successful sex life, and therefore I figure that I'll never have a successful relationship or marriage. I know I made a blog about this some time ago, but it's hitting me harder than before.


I'll often experience a realization that it's not as bad as I thought it was, but then I'll go back into believing that it is. I face these switching mindsets at least once or twice in a day. It's exhausting, and it's probably not good for my well-being.

I need help. I'm stuck in this cycle, and it's killing my beliefs and self-esteem altogether. I don't know how to stop. I guess the one thing I really want help with is accepting myself, which is what I thought had been done a long time ago. I know how it is: just don't let it control you and know it's here to stay, blah blah blah. I know this. It's just that I get these bouts of raging confusion, self-criticism and hatred for anything and everything that is both a cause and an effect of this fetish (which is why I'm so insecure about relationships, and why I tend to hate on God so much) every so often.

It's hard to think it will ever change. On one hand, if I get into a relationship, then I'll be good to go. But I can't seem to get into a relationship in the first place. I can then come to the conclusion that I'll never be truly okay.

I need to talk to someone in real life, someone I know. I can't do this unless I tell someone about my fetish, and I really can't find a suiting person to do so. My first option would be my sister, but she's too gossipy, to put it nicely. And I don't want to tell my parents because that would be awkward as hell, and I don't want to go to a counselor because I don't know them personally, and I can't trust them. I have some old friends I could confide in that I don't see anymore, but...I don't know. I'm scared of not being understood.

I don't know why I wrote this. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they kill me...
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  1. kite's Avatar
    Sounds like you're trying to be your own hangman. You're restricting your views and thoughts to previously structured beliefs put before you. For all the stress, what are you gaining spiritually from it?
    Why not make your own path, taking bits and pieces from other religions here and there like you're a chef baking a cake. A little bit of seasoning and cinnamon to taste never killed anyone (but easy on the nutmeg, it's a killer).
    Like when I need to break up the day, I dance. Wear a diaper, why would god care? Personally, I wouldn't be able to have a god that feels like he's more of a peeping tom rather than a protector of souls.
    Also, god's not going to 'do' or 'fix' anything directly. The actions of fixing a relationship or going to the gym lie inside the person.
    I never knew a person that had a relationship death sentence due to diapers. Just find a person who's willing to give you some of their spare time and move on from there. Just tell them you're a bit on the kinky side/like it dirty/whatever line you feel like using.
    Long story short, you sound too rigid in your ideals. You feel the need to be either 1 or 0, one or the other. What would go wrong if you decided to make your own way from different ideals throughout life? A loss of character? Pride? Ego, maybe?
    Think about it.
  2. BabyJessi's Avatar
    Dude, you are only 18! If you were 48, and still in the same position with your relationship with women, I'd say you might have a problem, but not at 18. You are just barely a legal adult. You have a LOT of time to figure all of this out. You are just barely scratching the surface of who you are and what life is all about. I am 37, and still single, and have gone through a lot of what you are going through... especially when it comes to God, women, and this crazy fetish! It'll work out. God has a plan for all of us. I love Romans 8:28. Paul says that we can know that "all things work together for good for those who love God!" How comforting is that? Another of my favorites is Phil. 4:13, where Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Another saying that a friend told me is this: "Let go. Let God." That's what you have to do. Just let go, and let God.

    I can also tell you this for sure. A relationship with a women might be nice, but it's not going to be the be all and end all you seem to think it will be. Before you can be a good partner for a women and truly love her, you have to love yourself. If you can't be happy with yourself and who you are, then having another person in your life will only compound things. In my humble opinion, there are many, many threads in ADISC that are living proof of this... too many people who took the plunge too soon! Looking back on my life, I can definitely see that I wasn't even CLOSE to ready for a long term relationship when I thought I was. I had a girlfriend that I dated for a year, and we even talked marriage, but in hindsight, I'm a VERY glad we didn't go through with it. It wouldn't have been good for me, and more importantly it wouldn't have been fair to her. She had no idea who I really was and really, neither did I! I still needed to really grow up, experience some things, and figure out who I was. I am sure now, that when God decides I am ready (and I think that time is near), that He will send my future spouse my way. I just continue to pray that God will bless her and keep her safe until then, and then allow me to meet her when it's time. However, He better hurry it up already... I'd like to have children before I'm old enough to be their grandfather! LOL

    Anyway, one thing you did get right is that it is helpful to have someone to be able to talk to about things like relationships and our fetish... someone who will be understanding and knowledgeable. ADISC is good to a point, but it really is better to have some to talk to face to face. If you really don't have someone you know well enough to be comfortable spilling the beans to, if I were you, I would reconsider your stance on counselors. There are some really good ones out there, and they can be really good to talk to. I have talked to several good ones, and I can tell you it's really helpful to have a non-emotionally involved (family is definitely emotionally involved, btw) person's point of view. They really tend to be able to see things from the outside looking in that you or family or close friends tend to miss.

    Anyway, just my 2! I glad you were able to vent on this blog, and I hope you get to feeling better.

    P.S. Keep us up to date, we'd like help where we can!
  3. Luckyfish's Avatar
    Thanks for sharing man.

    Your post is so well written that i felt that i went inside your head and actually felt your pain.

    As the OP said, you're only 18 and you have your entire life ahead of you.

    Being a Christian is hard if you follow the bible and its teachings word for word.

    I sat in church and heard the paster say that we must not accept homosexuality,not even tolerate it.

    I thought to myself as straight man with a diaper fetish, who am i or anybody to judge what consenting adults do.

    The point is religion wont change your uneasy thoughts on such matters.

    You need to reignite your personal relationship with God and if you go to church, pray for inner peace AND BELIEVE IT!

    At the very least you get to speak to somebody about it perhaps at a Church or at a depression hot-line and vent that incredible cocktail of negativity and self inflicted emotional hurt from spreading.

    Another thing i have noticed which seems like a personal hell for you, is that you spend far to much time being self absorbed on your inner demons and this only makes things worse for you.

    I recommend you allow yourself to have those self criticizing thoughts, realize that its a form of OCD induced anxiety due to never finding that peace from your own decisions, and dive into life hard by keeping very busy.

    Its a terrible ANXIETY you are facing and ultimately thats the demon you are dealing with.

    You feed it every time you vent it onto yourself and to God,which makes it even worse.

    Its like that book The Secret, by wishing the worst you bring on more negativity,and the opposite is true as well.

    Im not psychic but i can guarantee you will find that special someone and when you do, gain the trust and become best friends.

    Once they get to know you they will love you, and it wont make a difference if you can be the best you can be.

    I too have had that terrible depression and i only beat after i FULLY ACCEPTED myself with the diaper thing and took that self critical attitude/analytical style of thinking outward by involving myself in other peoples lives by helping out and being the best human i could be.

    Don't jinx yourself and know that whatever you per-sieve yourself to be in a depressed state, it ain't real and your own mind is playing tricks on you.

    Drop and do 40 push-ups!(It works when you feel very low and actually distracts you by tiring you out)

    Have a great weekend!

    ROB SCHNEIDER:YOU CAN DO IT!
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