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TenSwords

Feeling...ashamed.

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This is a rarity for me nowadays, and I kind of knew it would come up at some point in time, but I didn't think it would be so soon.

No, this is not a blog about finding out my true religion, or music, or anything else that is not diaper related. In fact, it's exactly that, and I need some feedback. Genuine and honest feedback.

I've had this fetish for literally AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. It's never not been there in the back of my mind, and it's definitely kept up with me my whole life. I usually felt these pangs of guilt and shame relatively often a few years back, but I have recently learned to accept myself and to simply not worry about it. But these past few weeks have been putting stress on my well-being, what with questioning everything I knew about religion. It just so happens that I JUST came to a standstill with this questioning, and I'm pretty sure I focused my mind on religion much, much more than anything else. I'm afraid that since this phase of questioning is over (for now), I'm starting to shift that energy elsewhere, and the next thing in line is usually relationships.

I've only ever had one girlfriend in my life, and even then it didn't count. It lasted two weeks when I was in 8th grade, and the second half was apparently spent on determining how the girl in question would break up with me in the nicest possible manner (I was apparently a jerk...I can't argue this because I had NO idea what I was even doing in the first place, although I only meant to make her happy). Since then, nothing. The only thing that I can account for in my whole fucking love life is failure to please or impress. I liked to blame it on the women from around here, but then I realized that I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship in the first place. I have NO sex appeal and NO charm. This is what seems to get women nowadays, and it's my Achilles Heel at its worst. Sure, I'm friendly and nice, but I get friend-zoned all the time, either because the woman is not interested, or I wait too long to make a move. It's pretty difficult when it happens over and over, because more than half the rejections stem from something I failed to do that most other guys can display without problems.

I've had a relatively bitter disposition with people in general because I thought that only having sex on your mind when choosing a partner was low, but this stems from the fact that I'm not one of those people who can appeal to that nature at all. It's a natural reflex in humans to point fingers when in the face of defeat, and I was doing just that this whole time without even realizing it. I feel hypocritical in that sense.

To make matters worse, this fetish is the ONLY way for me to get..."it" up. It's the only way I can climax when masturbating, and there has hardly been a time when I could go through the fantastical process completely without thinking of diapers being in the mix. How is this going to look when I actually have the miraculous chance of getting laid?

I feel like I'm such a loser for not even having my first kiss yet...EVERYONE I know has had their first kiss and probably more. It's so embarrassing...and now I'm afraid of when that time will come, because I'm afraid that the embarrassment factor will perpetuate until it's too late to even try, if that point hasn't been reached yet. I'm insecure about this fetish, there's no doubt about it, and all these insecurities are derived from it. I thought I had it under control, and that it was more or less dormant compared to the last few years.

I ask God why this has happened to me and why He can't simply give me a chance with someone now, even if it will end in heartache afterwards. I just want some experience under my sleeve before this affects me even more.
He doesn't answer that, ever. I almost never try to reap God's wisdom selfishly, but this is literally the only thing I wish for him to change. Even so, it seems like it's too much to try and figure out, even for the Big Guy Upstairs.
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  1. NateSean's Avatar
    It sounds like you and I have been in the same boat for a while. Not so much about the diaper fetish for me as it has been about being homeless and jobless for almost all of 2011. Now I'm in this funk of still being in the shelter and desperately saving money so I can get out of here, but knowing that if I jump on a roommate situation again without proper planning, I could wind up in the same situation that landed me back at the shelter.

    Then there's the weight around my neck that comes from basically wasting a year of my life in Salem, Mass. It was a place I built up in my mind as this bastion of my dreams only to have everything I worked for shattered. Nothing about living in this city has made me feel anything but drained and depressed and when I look to people for help, or to get stuff off my chest, it seems like I'm nothing more to them than another financial kickback from whatever drug company is paying them to get more patients hooked on their new product.

    The point I'm trying to get at is that I think we're both taking the same approach to it all. We're very much on our own in the situation and so the only thing we can do is desperately hope that someone else has the answer.

    My only solution so far is to try to find an answer for myself. I hope you come to the same conclusion, because while it's not much, at least it gets the responsibility off of someone else's shoudlers and makes you feel like you're in a little bit more control.
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