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Yeah this is another religious blog, so be prepared for more rambling...

Actually, it doesn't matter if people respond to this. I'm not looking for feedback or opinion, I just want to let SOMEONE know what I'm thinking. You're more than willing to do so if you want though.

Well I've realized that my thoughts on this whole religious awareness search are not in my control, and some are actually not productive in any way. I want to find out what I believe and what religion I believe, but more than lately my thoughts have been revolved around just how detrimental some religions can be.

I went to the First Baptist Church in town on Sunday, and I really don't have an explanation as to why I did. I guess I just wanted to give it a second chance, but I was leaning more towards the fact that it was some divine intervention that made me turn around and attend the service. With that in mind, I attended the one service that involved the end times and what "signs" support the claim that they are near. On that list was homosexuality.

Even typing that makes me angry. I really don't even know how to express it, either. That claim, along with many other ridiculous statements, just SCREAMS ignorance. That bastard preacher (who actually is not the primary preacher of that church) is so caught up in his own mind that he doesn't know how to react to such contradiction in what HE knows. Anything that he is not familiar with and that is "sinful" is something that is a problem in the world all of a sudden. Fuck him for labeling!

Now for the beliefs that I have attained. So many people on Y!A tell me that because the Bible says it, it's gotta be true. Who's to say that religious followers didn't taint the Bible with certain aspects when they first wrote it? The King James Bible, which seems to be the earliest version of interpreted scriptures used today, was written 1600 years after the death of Jesus. The only thing I have to say about that is this: Have you ever played the game Telephone?

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I'm just not sure about the whole 'Jesus is the Messiah' aspect. This questioning has gotten out of control, but I really cannot stop. If I try to follow the only familiar religion to me, which is Christianity, then it won't be the same since I've been questioning and coming to these realizations, and therefore my devotion to that belief will not be true.

The BAD part about that is that I'm afraid that I'm straying away from the right path. Of course, the Bible says that if you don't believe in Jesus as the Christ, then you're doomed to Hell for all eternity. This clearly scares me, because I don't want to go to Hell (even if there is such a thing; more on that later), and who does? But now, the concept of eternal torment even after trying to stay with God for this long just doesn't seem very fair, and I'm sure other non-Christian monotheists will say the same. The fact that Christianity is "the only way" to Christians leads me to believe that they have been induced to follow that path without question due to fear. It is this fear that I'm experiencing now, and that I'm trying to overcome, so with this, I think it is well-deserving that I give myself a pat on the back for venturing into fear-instilling territory (and I don't give those openly very often!). Of course, there is probably a large majority of Christian followers who were made to go to church by their parents, so their minds were developing with the aspect of Christianity being embedded in their brains, and the aspect of questioning is not even existent for them. Or that's what I think...I can't say for sure since I wasn't raised like this. But there is certainly more than enough proof of this through the town I live by.

On the subject of scare tactics, I also have come to believe that there might not even be a Hell. It is probably a method used by God and/or followers of God to get other people to listen up. Now here comes an even worse fork in the road for me: if there is no Hell, then there can't be a Heaven. If there is no Heaven, there can be no angels, and therefore no demons, and therefore no Satan. Now I'm hinging on the theory that Satan is nothing more than a fallen angel. But if I come to realize that may not be true, and that Satan is supposed to be as powerful as God, then I'm untying myself from any and all belief that God is real.

It really sucks that I have this mindset now. I like to analogize this as living in a house in a huge forest. Because I've left this house for some time, it is very plausible that I have gone too far and am now lost. But maybe, just maybe, I am actually on the right track without being aware of it. Either way, the end result is unpredictable since I've no idea what's on the outskirts of the trees. There's no guarantee that things will be okay unless I go back to that house. But this would label me a coward, and I'd rather uncover things that aren't yet clear instead of leading a false fuzzy-and-fluffy-and-oh-so-nice life.

I need to write a song about this...


  1. Trevor's Avatar
    Just to state my own biases up-front, I'm an atheist these days, although not a particularly noisy one. Reading what you've written, I'm responding as if I believed in something just for the sake of argument, which is an easy enough position as I was religious for longer than I've been without.

    My observation is that if you're still interested in Christianity, at least do it from a fundamental (not fundamentalist) perspective. Read through the Bible yourself and decide what it means to you. Clergy exists because most people didn't have the education to read the book for themselves. You are perfectly capable of reading and interpreting its meaning for you, if any.

    If you find Chistianity wanting, start looking more broadly. I recall reading about your interest in Buddhism. It's not going to hurt you to find out more about this. Even if you never want to become one, there's an anthropological side to this stuff that is still valuable. It might also help you let go of your apparent attachment to systems based in opposition (good vs. evil, heaven vs. hell, God vs. Satan, etc.). Sometimes there are two sides to a thing and sometimes there are more or less.

    In the sense of spiritual good vs. evil, I always found a helpful analogy is physical light and darkness. We think of those as opposites, but there's no darkness-spewing orb that rises when the sun goes down. Darkness is just the absence of light. If spiritual good exists, there is no necessity in my mind for spiritual evil to exist. We make our own darkness just fine by rejection of that which we know to be right and good and even when I was a believer, I didn't happen to think we needed an entity to lead us to evil when we can manage just fine on our own.

    To sum up, keep looking. What you want is something that's going to make you a better person. You already appear to understand that some of what you have experienced wouldn't lead you to being a better person, so you'll just have to keep looking.
  2. TenSwords's Avatar
    Honestly, the thing for me is that I just want to get away from Christianity. The thing about that fear is that it's a default emotion when I willingly oppose the belief system that tells of it in the first place. It's just an illusion, and it's only a matter of time before I really let this sink in so I can find out more about God and religion openly and freely.

    That comparison with the Sun and the darkness-spewing orb (the thought of it makes me laugh actually!) is pretty straightforward. I never thought of that before. I guess I believe that since most other things need to be balanced in life, then the same principles must apply to spirituality.

    I do plan to keep looking, regardless of if that which I uncover is good or bad for me. It just so happens that Buddhism is exactly what I am doing: trying to find out what religion works for me not based on what others try to tell me about. It's kind of difficult to resist Christianity because a large portion of the world follows it, and if I go out and start saying, "Hey, I just want to let you all know that I don't believe in Jesus as the Christ (Not that I even would, but you get my idea; going against the gradient of society is something we all find hard to do at times)," some people might not be very happy. I've told my sister about my beliefs and she has similar-ish beliefs when pondering Christianity, in that she believes there have been many people who preached God's word to man, then were put to death and were resurrected (A.K.A., Jesus was not the only one). So she's cool with it. My other sister, however, will probably not be happy to hear about it..

    Thanks for the positive input! I know I may have offended a few people on here, but stuff like this is just something I like writing down and sharing with people. It also helps in figuring out what my jumbled mind is trying to tell me. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.