I think I'm addicted to diapers... in a bad way
by, 12-Oct-2011 at 06:01 (4116 Views)
So I've gotten in to a very bad routine of wearing diapers on very specific school days. Every week since school has started I would wear diapers all day on Monday and Wednesday, which was most convenient because I was at school for 10 to 11 hours and had a lot of down time. However, this past Monday I told myself not to wear diapers strictly because I did not want to stink by the end of the day when I had a presentation to give in Spanish. I couldn't help myself - I had a diaper stashed under the passenger seat in my car, I knew it was there from the week before and it was calling my name, almost shouting it. To shut it up, I finally put it on and drowned it in my urine. But one diaper turned into 3 diapers as this one diaper had been feeding my fetish relentlessly. I went so far as to get a Red Bull from the store knowing that it would make me have to pee a lot later on. Then, an hour before school, I started freaking out. Not only was my privacy in the parking lot being invaded by arrogant young druggies trying to get high in the least seen spot at school (my spot) but I was starting to find the need to go a lot due to the Red Bull and I wanted to rub one out all before school. I still wanted to pull off trying to smell like a normal person at the same time, but my fetish just kept taking over. I drove off to another level of the parking lot that had a little bit of foot traffic, but if I was careful I could do my business without anyone seeing, and so I did my business. In my car on the fourth level of the parking lot I had to take my diaper off and reveal myself making a huge risk of being seen. In the end I did manage to get the diapers off and spray some air freshener on myself. I don't know what kind of impression I made in class but it seemed all normal.
My problem is now that I'm growing into a state that even if I didn't want to wear diapers for any logical reason during a time in which wearing diapers would have been optimal, I would still give into my fetish and wear diapers anyway. Now every time I do my business in diapers (not the yellow or brown colored business) I get the sudden feeling of never wanting to be in diapers ever again. Yet I still find myself just going back to it because it is good and it makes me feel good. Maybe I like the rush of wearing a diaper under my clothes or maybe I just like the convenience of being able to pee wherever I want. In any case my fetish will always dominate any casual impression I try to take on while wearing diapers. When I do wear diapers and happen to go a whole day without doing my business I feel like I have wasted the diaper, even though I logically know I have used to the diaper for its intended purpose.
Sometimes I want to go to a therapist about this because sometimes I feel very paranoid for no reason and other times I couldn't give a shit what people think or if they find out I wear diapers. I just feel like there are two very opposite feeling colliding with each other inside of me. Maybe I don't know what addiction is... I have been smoking on and off for the better part of 2 years, but it takes me about a week to smoke a whole pack, but this feeling I have for diapers and the urge to get off in them feels so much stronger than any other habit I've had.
The days that I go without diapers, the days that have already been established are not days for wearing diapers, I do not get urges to do my business and I hardly even think about diapers with the exception of occasionally visiting Adisc and other related diaper sites. Sometimes I wonder if I'm tweaking my brain in a very bad way to respond to opportunistic situations. I wonder if addiction is a symptom of the mental patterns my brain makes. I wonder if knowing I'm probably addicted to smoking is causing my addiction to diapers to seem more severe than it actually is. I have actually gone to therapists about this and have actually only told one about my thing with diapers, but I only made it seem like diapers were a source of security. I haven't actually told anyone that I pee and cum my diapers and don't plan to do so with anyone not into diapers.