Tossing & Turning (Off)...
by, 06-Oct-2011 at 19:13 (562 Views)
… Yes this is the surprising and understated news that I have been unable to sleep.
I have, as you say, been tossing and turning.
To solve this problem, last night I decided to apply the age-old principles of ‘off’. Yes, ‘off’.
Problem: Tossing and turning
Solution: Tossing off and (thus) turning off
A stroke (pun entirely intended) of genius, even if I may be so bold as to toot my own horn. Which, to refer to its euphemistic form, I actually can’t do (God knows I’ve tried!)
(And I bet you have too! Yes, you! You there! Guy! I bet you have… And anyone who says they haven’t is a liar and ought to be burned at the stake! Only the stake should be a big penis!)
Anyway, anyone who has managed it is welcome to pass on any tips to win love and, upon successful execution, possible toffee apples, too.
Furthermore, I have concluded that were I ever rich enough to own an umbrella, I would swap it for a donkey. Donkeys are, after all, much cuter than umbrellas and, in spite of this, also more practical (in the event of rain, one merely sits beneath said donkey). Also, if I’m lucky I will complete the transaction with the man who gives out magic beans and thus, receive a magic donkey. Which will talk.
If, however, it is the common lesser-valued Eddie Murphy Talking Donkey, it will be sent swiftly on its way in receipt of a bag of wine gums.
Or actually, a toaster… Yes… Yes! I shall seek a toaster in return for my dickhead donkey!
Listen to me! Rabbiting away about something that hasn’t even happened yet…! Tut! What must you think of me!
Anyway, there is a buzzing overhead and I fear it is the labouring of the microprocessor running my weak and lifeless brain cell (the hamster has packed up his wheel and fucked off – some rubbish about ‘unions’ and ‘working conditions’…). If, however, my hypothesis is even remotely true (and there is a very real chance it isn’t), this is greatly worrying as the buzzing just stopped. This can only mean I am now dead.
Talking of which: Jobs of Apple has died. Would you Adam&Eve it…!? (extra bonus licks to anyone who gets that – and can subsequently explain it to me, so I do, too!)