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Difficult time.

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I'm a bit bored so I'd thought I would make good use of my free time to let some of my thoughts out.

I am having a difficult time trying to hide my sexuality from my family and friends. I recently accepted myself as gay and felt quite good about the fact that I was. Well, on saturday, I've got to go to a cousins wedding and we were looking at past wedding photos.

My parents were saying how they were looking forward to when I marry a lovely beautiful women. I felt really awkward as I know now that isn't what I want. I just want to blurt it out to them that I'm gay, but I'm not sure how they'll take it if I tell them. They've gone through a lot of physical pain over the last 10 years or so, and with the stressful business of trying to move house and the current state of the economy, I feel like I don't want to put extra stress on them.

I had a major regression the other night which was fantastic. I was feeling pretty down and decided to have a bit of toddler time. It was just what I needed. I even messed for the first time in ages, and I felt so happy and cheerful. It is something that I am going to have to do more often. It's such a stress reliever for me.

I am also beginning to embrace my caretaker side. I have a few cousins who are 2-3 years old and I had so much fun, well caretaking. I suppose a bit of my *B side came out as well, but it was fun looking after them, feeding, playing etc.

In other news, my laptop is on its last legs and is pretty much falling to pieces. I've got a holiday in Spain in 2 and a half weeks to look forward too and I'm getting my hours extended at work soon, so not all bad news.
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Comments

  1. DanDanSuperman's Avatar
    Hey you.
    I know how it feels to keep such a secret inside you... I know the tension and nerves and frustration you're probably feeling. And incidents like parents talking of marriage aren't exactly helpful!

    I think you're incredibly considerate to worry about the timing of such an outburst, but... There comes a point when you have to do what is right for you. If you don't, the consequences will only be worse if you push your own limits of coping.

    Definitely try and take comfort in your regressions etc, since you've already found it helps... It may prove more and more useful and I wish I had such a mechanism during my own struggle! But ultimately, this has to come out, for your benefit if nothing else.

    Try and make a plan of action, perhaps, and pick your moment. You have to be happy.

    Good luck. I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you continue to share your feelings with us. That might help a little, too!

    Dan x
  2. Catinthehat's Avatar
    I've been there. You'll know when you're ready to come out. I had also gone to a wedding and felt extremely distant. The whole man and women thing wasn't rollin' with me. I pictured myself walking down the isle in a tuxedo with my beautiful wife. When you ARE ready to come out, I'm here for you. :]
  3. h3g3l's Avatar
    I'm not honestly sure how old you are, but living up to your parents' expectations can be something that can drag on for your whole life.

    I'll keep this short: they got to do what they wanted in their lives--if not, then you're not at fault for it--and you will get to do what you want in yours. I'm assuming you're 14-16, and while the south of England is cheaper to live in than, say, London, jobs aren't (weren't, last I saw) exactly high-paying, so you may or may not be able to move out of the family home immediately at 18, but the point is this: your life is your own to live. Don't get married to a woman--or date women--because it is The Expected Thing To Do.

    The short version: life's too short to be sad. Do as you please with the time you have, making the best choices you can in the moment, and this is about the best anyone can ask or expect.

    (After looking at your introduction post) Argh, you're 19. What I've said above stands, with the addition that you are free to go to university or move away if you have inclination/ability/money. If not, then you're in something of a difficult position. Your parents will see you--and interact with you--as their live-at-home-child while you are there. All the same, you ought not feel compelled to live to their image of you.

    I think this is the last I'll add to this: if you are genuinely worried about your parents' ability to "take" something like their son being gay, you'll probably want to start with, "mum, dad ... there is nothing you've done to make me feel this way, but I doubt I'll get married to a woman." and go from there.
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