by, 15-Aug-2011 at 03:38 (415 Views)
The deciding factor between being able to pursue my interests and not was "coming out" if you will to my mom. The reason I told her was so I didn't have to go around hiding anything anymore. Quite frankly, I felt dishonest and was getting paranoid over everything. Feel free to use this letter as a reference for your own letters.
It went a little something like this:
I wanted to take this opportunity and write to you about something thatís been on my mind. Itís so much easier for me to express myself through words rather than speaking to you directly. If you have any questions at all, please ask me while youíre reading. Whatís going to be mentioned is going to probably freak you out but I need you to understand that I didnít ask to feel this way. Itís completely out of my control.
Back when I was around 4 or so, we went to Patriciaís Holy Communion. This, by the way, is my earliest memory regarding the subject. After the ceremony, we had all gone out to lunch at that restaurant that served lobster. Trish and I both had to go to the bathroom.. Once we were both in the stalls, I heard Aunt Kerry give Trish her Pull-Up because she had bladder problems. Iím not sure why, even to this day, but for some reason I was jealous. Out of my mind jealous. I remember feeling extremely envious that she got to wear Pull-Upís and I didnít.
Before Christmas, when I was 7, I had been in the computer room looking through the half-closet and found a Pull-Up. I took it and kept it until one night I decided to wear it. I snuck around the house that night wearing it and trying to avoid you. Eventually you got whim that I was up to something (Remember? Probably notÖbut I do.) and made me show you. You let me wear it the rest of the night just to ďsee how it felt" . I remember very vividly going outside with you and Dad to look at the Christmas lights and you asked me ďSo, how does it feel?Ē and I said ďGood.Ē Well MomÖ it felt way more than good. I was on cloud nine.
That same Christmas I had gotten Nicole my baby doll from Santa. I had hit the JACKPOT! I got a beautiful baby doll to play with for years and years, until recently her head fell off. Well, Nicole only required two things to work properly. Water for her to drink and a diaper to catch what came out the other end. For years, and when I say years I mean up until I was 10, I used to take Nicoleís diapers and use them. It was all pretty sketchy, especially when it came time to dispose of the evidence. I took the dirty diapers and threw them in the empty lot (now our nasty neighborís lot). I had learned my lesson from putting them in the bathroom trash when Dad had discovered them one night and yelled at me. So, I kept throwing them in the shrubs. Do you know how nerve racking it was for me that day they were starting to cut the trees and make a house? We were raking one day and you found a diaper in the leaves. I suggested that maybe it was from the restaurant and the bears dragged it over. Well, I was just trying to hide the fact that I put it thereÖmany years before.
The next memory I have was going to the A&P and nearly getting caught by you. I was 12. I had taken the opportunity to use the bathroom, except I wasnít planning on using the toilet. As soon as you said ďmeet me at the checkout counter when youíre doneĒ I was gone. I ran straight to the baby supply isle. I went to the only diapers that would fit me, Pull-Ups size XL, and opened the package. This was the most nervous I had ever felt. Ever. There were store workers standing not even 20 feet from me, stocking shelves. I took one, stuffed it under the sweatshirt, and started walking toward the bathroom. Guess who I ran into on the way there? YOU. You were in the pet supply isle, getting food for Foxxy. You noticed I had something underneath my shirt and you patted it. YOU PATTED IT! I almost puked. It was the scariest moment I think Iíve ever had. You asked me what was under my shirt, I said nothing. You KNEW I was lying. Iím not even sure why you didnít say anything. I eventually got into the bathroom and used the diaper. One problem. It took me so long to actually get into the bathroom and go that you were rushing me out. We had to get our pizza from Franks. I kept the diaper on and when I saw you I said in a panic ďIf it looks like Iím walking funny, itís because I was half way through going to the bathroom.Ē THATíS SO STUPID! Why did I do that? You didnít realize and when we finally got the Franks, I went to the bathroom to ďfinish upĒ. That was code for ďIím going to take off this diaper now.Ē
That was my last experience for a couple of years.
Once I was in Middle School, we had sort of reunited with Karen and John. We had gone over there one night for something or another and I went to the bathroom. They had a WHOLE WALL of diapers for Eric. Mostly Goodniteís XL and Medium Depends Maximum Protection. (Youíre probably wondering how I know thisÖletís just say I know a lot of diapers and pacifiersÖ) I took one of his Goodniteís and tried it on. Overwhelming sensation of happiness.
If you remember, that night I went crazy. On the walk home, I started crying and shaking. We stood there in the middle of the road talking about why I was so upset. I had told you about the time I stole the Pull-Up from the A&P. You understood whole heartedly, which is one of the reasons Iím choosing to tell you this now. You were completely okay with it, except for the whole stealing part. Never again did I ever steal.
Now, itís time to tell you why this all matters. Throughout the years since the communion party, Iíve been trying to figure out that feeling I kept having when I wore a diaper. I would search Google for answers most of the time and eventually erase all the browsing history when you came home. When I had gotten my own laptop, I did my own research.
I came to the conclusion that I have a very unusual and uncommon fetish. Itís called paraphilic infantilism.
Paraphilic infantilism is a paraphilia, and includes a certain form of psychological regression. In the majority of cases, it does not interfere with a person's work or casual social life. It is characterized by the seemingly uncontrollable desire to wear diapers, due to reasons other than medical necessity, and/or be treated as an infant or toddler. Within the community of such diaper wearers, one who engages only in the erotic or sexual aspect of diaper wearing without experiencing any accompanying regression fantasies is known as a diaper lover (or DL). Those who do experience any accompanying regression fantasies are regarded to as adult or teen babies (or ABís and TBís).
I am a diaper lover with some teen baby tendencies. (in most communities Iím referred to as a TB/DL) Plain and simple. Like I said earlier, I didnít ask to be this way. It makes me original. I love the way a diaper feels on my body and the way it helps me regress enough to forget about the annoying real world. I love the feeling I get from using the diaper for its intended purposes, itís like surrendering all control. To add to that, as of lately (the past couple of weeks) Iíve been having teen baby tendencies like wanting a pacifier. All of these acts make me feel safe, it makes me feel comfortable and it helps me de-stress. I know this is all a shock to you Mom, as it would be to me too if my son/daughter told me they had this weird fetish that they wish they could indulge in. But thatís exactly it. Itís a fetish. You canít control what turns you on. And it is NOT going away any time soon. Believe me, Iíve tried. Several hundred times.
I just want to be accepted. It would be my dream (and hopefully a soon to be reality) to indulge in my fetish behind closed doors. No one would have to know. I would dispose of all my ďstuffĒ myself and wouldnít burden you with buying me anything. This is all out of my own pocket. I would hide anything regarding this fetish so outsiders wouldnít find anything. I would do ANYTHING to be able to wear and use a pacifier at night, once everyone has gone to bed. I DO NOT expect anyone to help me change. IíD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THIS WILL NOT IN ANY WAY INFLICT MY SCHOOL WORK OR SOCIAL LIFE.
Please Mom, if you donít agree, I understand. Just tell me to my face. Iíll do anything to make you change your mind!! (Then again, Iím hoping youíll just understand right off the bat)
AS A SIDE NOTE:
*I belong to a support community for people just like me. They allow family and friends of TB/DLís to make an account and ask the group if they have any questions regarding anything. You can find this website at ADISC.org.
Feel free to make an account and search around, Iíd be flattered.
** Also, visit ďUnderstanding InfantilismĒ. If you search Google, Itíll show up. I find that website to be extremely helpful when answering any questions you may have. Also, if you donít find these websites enough to answer your question, ask me! Iím willing to answer any question you have.
Also, if you want to ask a doctor or my social worker about this fetish, feel free. Having a health professional solidify your decision could be an option.
Please consider all Iíve had to say. I canít stress enough how much it took for me to write this letter to you. Iíve been trying to plan a way to get a pacifier and some diapers for a couple of years and Iíve decided just to ask you permission so I wonít have to sneak around.
I love you so much and I hope you understand. Your permission to get what I need will not in any way change my personality or the way I act. If anything, Iíll be happier and less stressed out.