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System Destruction

First blog post, my life (introduction) (part 2)

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When I was with the group one day one of the people in it asked me to leave. After name calling from them I tried to just smile (I have to admit it was a little awkward, they were all I had). One of them threw a plastic binder at me, cutting my lip. I felt blood run down my face (and from the pain tears beginning to form). I knew that I couldn't actually cry there or (my life would be even worse). I went to the bathroom, and I checked the damage. My lip was quite split open; the guy who threw the binder came down there and said he was really sorry, didn't actually mean to hit me so hard (didn't expect it to cut me). He asked what I was going to do.

I decided I could get a day off from school for it (so I did!). Whenever I could I would stay home, it helped me get away from the abusive nature of school. He asked if I was going to tell on him, I told him no; I told the principal I didn't know what happened but I got hit by something in the hall and felt blood. They found a pen in the hall and figured someone fired the pen (only the inside) part and it struck me.

Even some teachers would attack me verbally. Mainly to do with my size "You're only the size of a pea, you don't need to have your table out like this." as she shoves my desk in out of her way. Or in the hallway "Just because your small doesn't mean you can walk so slow, get out of my way." as he rushes by me.

Should I say life sucks?

As has been a large part of my life verbal abuse never really went away, it became much more common with just about everyone. I'm not going to go and say I was completely friendless, because I had several short lived friendships and invitations. But even still I felt very alone at that time.

This is where I remember only a few things and I can't really recall much of my time in high school, I was still very much attacked by almost everyone. I became even more cold hearted and detached. I would actually sit by myself away from people, I stopped eating lunch, and remained by myself whenever possible. Of course that's not possible when you are in class, so I still had to put up with a bombardment of pop bottles, paper balls, spit balls, or rude remarks by people who passed by.

Apparently I was "dirty" and a "greasy" person, and I never showered (however I showered every single morning). Soon I had to find ways to get rid of the abuse, so I wore a hooded sweatshirt to school every day with the hood up and kept my face down whenever I had to walk anywhere. Of course you can't imagine abuse to stop here (such as being sprayed by AXE whenever you walked by some people) [Mind you I already had Axe + a few other things on in the mornings and at lunch hour].

Even in my Tae Kwon-do club I went to I was attacked by my team. In fact in a sparring match, my opponent when the instructor was not watching struck me with his elbow (in the face).

In a competition I was struck hard enough in the neck to lose my balance for a moment. While off balance he struck me in the face. I fell to the ground.

I got ridicule and remarks that I was a "wimp" I wasn't deserving of my belt level, I was a joke, and worthless.

Even the parents (I felt) attacked me more than anyone else. On a ride from a competition 2 other members from the club were in the van. They were singing this really stupid song, where they kept repeating a word and ended it with a word completely different. I finally was annoyed and was like, what in the world are you singing that for... seriously. When the parents told me to "shut up".

So I finally felt this last resort, a person I was actually dating for about a month at that time (wow). I went to her like in stress about everything, pretty much ranting (she was with her friend). She basically laughed at me, along with her friend. I think by this time I had enough, and I couldn't really take anymore. Of course it would be only a year later to realize I was into the guys anyways and in fact have no interest to really be in any relationship. =)

At this point I'm sure you can assume I became entirely withdrawn emotionally. Things can only hurt for so long before there is no more pain (I was about 15 at this time). I didn't have anyone to turn to, I had a very small selection of friends. My daily morning showering turned into 3 showers every day. Morning - when I got home - before I went to bed. I became to have a very low self esteem and began writing (horrible) emo poems.

I became as I'm sure can be imagined suicidal at this point, I didn't really see anything in the future to live for. I kept telling myself when I was younger that things get better (and well... they didn't.)

I began cutting myself when I was younger, a lot. Probably nightly to a few times a day... I don't know if I did this to feel some kind of pain or what.

My life moved on, I still kept entirely to myself. A couple years passed that I was still cutting myself frequently and very suicidal. It wasn't really until grade 12 that everything just stopped entirely. Including thoughts of suicide and cutting.

I had given up on life earlier, I gave up really any reason I could ever see to do anything with my life... But not only that. It was at this point that, even emotions that were inside vanished. I felt absolutely nothing. Sure, I'm still human; I laugh at funny things, and break a smile at cute things.

But something changed then, quite instantly.

4 years into university now... Nothing has actually changed.

-- My life now --

-- The more ranty part of this post --

So I don't "really" have any friends, but I certainly am not abused verbally anymore. I don't actually feel capable of making friends in the actuality, and I no longer have any desire to even have friends. I guess trauma from the past broke me a little bit.

I have no desire or interest of relationships, and sometimes I fear that I am entirely incapable of love (I don't even know what love is for that matter).

I am in a relationship now, and of course I enjoy it. I care a lot about the guy I'm dating, and I would give anything for him. But I don't know any of these emotions, in fact... I don't really feel anything. Whether or not I am feeling the emotions subconsciously or not, I can't be sure. But I can't feel the emotions... and I definitely can't "show" the emotions.

In fact, I haven't been "happy" for the past 12 years or so. But I haven't been "sad" for the past 4 years either. In fact I have a positive outlook on life again which I guess is good.

Really, I just have no emotion at all. I hear so much about overwhelming emotions, or see sad people, and I just don't understand at all. I don't get it; and I in some sense. I want to, I want to have empathy for people instead of being like a frozen slate. I want to be able to actually feel again I guess. Maybe it's hard to describe, but I'm sure someone on the board knows what I mean.

I guess the simplest way to put it is, I literally feel nothing. It's very empty, all the time.

I have difficulties with a lot of things now, and maybe it's from my past I am not sure. Mainly difficulties with social communication, speaking whats on my mind, or giving my opinion. I also have an almost complete inability to understand sarcasm. In fact, I can't catch sarcasm 99% of the time. Even then it could be blatantly obvious. I've been told by people that they "never wanted to see me around again." *sarcastic tone*. I took it quite literally; and they had to tell me they were joking. Even then I couldn't really understand, and I felt a bit awkward in the situation.

I can't read books. I am completely disinterested in books, every book I have read in the past 5 or so years has felt the same. It's just like reading a textbook, and nothing more. I don't know if this is because I can't feel any emotion portrayed in the book (or understand it) or what. But I just have no interest in reading. I would probably be able to read books that are full of cliff hangers, mainly because I'll be curious about what is going to happen.

As for movies, I can really only watch comedies. Action movies, most dramas, romance, etc. leaves me very disinterested and bored.

I have a few theories behind everything like, my emotions did nothing for me in the past, so I shut them out entirely. Now that that is the case I can only read or watch things that make me have some sense of emotion. (Extremely depressing movies I seem to connect to), and comedies.

Yet those are only theories.

-- *collapses from typing exhaustion* --

So yeah, that is a great (and enormous) first blog post.

But it's here for a few reasons (it's like a catch up post!) ;P

Enjoy the blog I guess.
Tags: awesome, cute, life, lobie, sad


  1. irataliw's Avatar
    Having had a similar reaction to hiding all emotions I can relate to not feeling like a whole person. I used to feel alone in this until I saw the show Dexter on showtime. The reason the show is so successful is that it is a monster trying to play a human being, not seeing his own humanity. That feels like what you describe, what I feel and I am sure many other do too. Too many times I think emotions are so sensationalized in books and movies that we think that if we are not experiencing that amazing feeling described then there is something wrong with us inside. I don't believe that. Some people are guarded with their emotions because of their pain, but the emotions can be brought out. The fact that you are in a relationship shows that.

    I am sure you are happy on some level to have a relationship. But happiness is not some forever cloud that can be attained. As Dennis Leary once said, it is a chocolate chip cookie, it is a quick kiss, it is a puff on a cigarette. That is happiness. One at a time experiences that we enjoy and can later contextualize in the backdrop of our lives - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.