First blog post, my life (introduction) (part 1)
by, 08-Aug-2011 at 14:29 (469 Views)
Note: This blog post is only interesting if you want to read about my exciting not (hehe) life. My life is a bit sad actually, or so I can assume.
So; I've decided to start up a blog here, I figured here is a place where I can post life frustrations or random stuff from time to time. But I figure I should start off with a very long winded blog post about my life. That seems to be the most reasonable start, so that's all that will be here.
another reason to write my life story. - I've never wrote the whole thing here; and I find it stressful when it's on my mind.
Aside from the standard "Hey, welcome to my blog." *wags tail* ;)
---- Beginning -----
So, I guess you could say that my life has been... interesting. My life certainly wasn't typical by no means, and a lot has been (subconsciously) blocked out. I think that I just have a really poor memory, but my life is pretty much a blur.
I will however talk a bit about my babyhood as it may be important in my (oh so common) rants on this blog in the future.
When I was born I was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis type 1 (NF-1). It's a genetic disease that you could find much better information about by Googling it. I had a lot of doctor trips most of which I wouldn't remember since I was very young. Mainly to get CT Scans, or other testing to make sure I wasn't getting any tumors.
As I got older doctors started testing me with psychological disorders (age of 5). I guess this is standard testing with NF-1. When I was younger at that time I was diagnosed with AD(H)D, and some emotional disorder. However, my mom ruled out the doctor as being incorrect and went for a second opinion. The second doctor I seen told my mom that I probably don't have any disorders and to stop worrying about it.
My mom told me I was very manipulative (but not so smart on my actions). One time when I was at my babysitters I purposely (or so said) fell down the flight of stairs there. Once the babysitter ran over to me, making sure I was okay I told her that Christopher pushed me down the flight of stairs. Only one problem! Christopher wasn't there. Darn.
The only reason she even asked the doctors about some of these is that I was fascinated by certain things, and would periodically sit banging my head against a wall for no reason.
The doctor told her "If it hurts, he will stop doing it." Ah! such wonderful advice :)
From things in my childhood I was taught by my mom math, reading, etc. at a very young age. In fact by the time I went to school, I skipped over primary and went into first grade. Where many tests are given, including reading tests and other various tests.
Thankfully for my mom teaching me, I could do multiple digit multiplication, addition, subtraction, etc. I also could read at a grade 10 level I think my mom said.
Most notably from my parents (they like to tell me) is that I absolutely loved computers. When we got our first computer we had Myst on it (and The Seventh Guest). When I was very young I was playing these games, I couldn't understand the guidebook for the games all that well, so instead of reading it I looked at the photos and made the computer screen look like that. I was actually able to make it quite far in the games and complete puzzles from what my parents told me.
Life moved on, grade 2, and then grade 3.
I honestly don't remember much about these until grade 3.
This is when my parents got divorced, I was always having trouble in school. I was a very talkative and excited person; I liked to know what everyone was up to all the time. So I was frequently hollered at, or in trouble told to be quiet, sit still, or stop pestering people. By the time I did reach grade 3 I felt a bit different I suppose is a key word here, I felt sort of resented by other students. But I still was myself and I liked talking to people.
things were taken care of and my mom told my doctors and my teacher that I wouldn't be returning to them after about 2 weeks (I used to have monthly check-ups). My grade 3 teacher gave me a novel as a gift (which she wrote a very kind message in) since I was leaving.
----- Moved to Nova Scotia (7 years old)
I went to school where I lived, my mom moved in with her mother quite a ways from town and other kids. At school I was just as excited and I guess happy as ever. I talked to people, and tried making friends. It was really around this time that I started realizing that the world certainly wasn't as nice as my young mind thought.
My time in grade 3 up here was short lived. The teacher said since I didn't know how to hand write I was forced to drop down to grade 2. So I basically did grade 2 and grade 3 twice (aside from protesting by my mother and me). This I found very upsetting, it's almost like failing. Being told that you aren't good enough for a certain class, is pretty overwhelming when you are younger...
It was only about 2 weeks into school, and I was there for a week. Likewise new students are commonly slightly exiled; I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Still I was a very talkative person. I still got in trouble with teachers for talking, or not sitting still. This is where my life had made a big turn for the worst.
One day at the school I was sitting by myself near the swing set (waiting for my turn). When some students from my class picked me off as an easy target (I was very emotional). After constant bashing, or name calling from then I became upset and walked away crying to the back side of the playground.
I actually remained there when I could, but brilliantly enough some older students (grade 5 vs. grade 2) didn't want me around them either (which is understandable). Once again among name calling I began to tear up and try to walk away where one of them restricted me from leaving. I wasn't "beaten" up, but I was struck a few times before they left me lying on the ground.
Things certainly didn't get better (I did make a friend [yes, 1 friend]). I am glad that I did, and am thankful for that. As time moved on I was still constantly attacked by others.
In grade 3 I was attacked in gym class while we had obstacle course equipment by another student. I was pushed from the monkey bars (which you had to crawl on top of) while I was trying to get down on the other side. I fell face first into the ground only to lift up with blood running from both sides of my nose.
Grade 4 I was abused by my teacher (verbally), and of course other students. I made a new friend though, she was a great friend who I later became interested in. We went out (in grade 4) for a week. Before she told me that I was (I don't know, but it wasn't pleasant). End friendship #1. Back to one friend.
I do remember this is when I guess, I went into auto mode. I did what I was told, and almost had no mind of my own. I guess 2 years at that age of verbal abuse can still cause harm on you. I was still very emotional at this age, and could be easily upset or excited. When my cousin would come out to visit so we could play video games I was the happiest kid on earth.
Grade 5 I had one of the most wonderful teachers ever. I think this year went by much better for me, and things went pretty good. I had someone I could talk to, and she also talked back very caringly.
The grade 6 teacher among many rumors was very "mean". But I liked her to! Things went good in the actual class. Of course I was still the same target of abuse, and I was frequently attacked as being a liar (whenever I would say what someone had done to me).
This is the point that I realized that I became emotionally detached, and I stopped really responding. I became very depressed at this age, and never really realized it until somewhat recently.
On a bus ride home I was being verbally abused by someone (I tended to ignore - or try to ignore things like this now). But that day I was a bit more overwhelmed then usual. I grabbed the students book bag and flung it to the front of the bus, at which point I said something very vulgar to her. Guess what, I got suspended from the bus for that.
I also remember people trying to help me, and talk to me ask me if I'm okay. I would just shun them away and ask them to leave me alone. If they kept persisting I would usually become verbally hostile with them.
Even compliments rendered no reply back from me. I felt as though it was a sarcastic attack against me. On one night after finishing a concert (I was in the Choir). A student in my class told me that I did really great. Taking it as an attack on me, I snubbed him and said whatever and walked away. Only later to be ridiculed by my mom and grandma for doing that when I got a compliment.
Grade 7 started and I had nothing to care about. My one friend from elementary moved into a group of friends, I did come a long with him. It became clear in grade 8 that I was the odd one out. In fact, none of them actually wanted me there.