by, 31-Jul-2011 at 20:23 (354 Views)
I figured today was a good day to start my blog. I've never done this before, and I don't expect anyone will read this, so I guess theres no need for spell checking... this is just for me... I"ll just write my feelings, thoughts, poetry, experiances or whatever.
I guess my biggest thing at the time is to let go of my past. I was stuck in an abusive home for 17 years, and I've been out for 3 weeks now... I just never realized I took so much negativity from it all. I've got a lot to take care of...
`First is the hate. I have so much loathing for my family, I feel an enormous ball of hate I don't want anymore. My father was an alchoholic and was abusive. He said things that are unforgivable, he was totally inconsiderate of our feelings, was never there for us, he was a liar, and in the end, would never admit his faults, just smile and act like the abuse never happened... like some sick hypocritical act of sadistic sarcasm... I don't even want to dish it out.
through it all, my mother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends of the family, etc. did NOTHING, they simply let it all happen, for 17 damn years! not one ever confrunted him, AKA stood up for me. I finally told my mother I was done with it all, and that she would never see me again if that's all I mattered to her. and finally she offered him his ultimatum. but I think its too late... and I don't know if I ever want to see any of them ever again.
`Second are the memories. I can't let my thoughts wonder 30 seconds without accidentally stumbling into some painfull, or shamefull memory. I must look like an insane kid walking down the street with a bland expression, that suddenly changes into a cringe. I just want to be able to daydream again...
`lastly is my negative thought process. I've got to start looking at the good in life, not the messed up shyt. I hate myself, I avoid mirrors because I dislike what I see in them. I don't even know what it feels like to go a day without loathing my thoughts and feelings.
It must feel great to not have a little war raging inside your head all the time... I regressed for the first time a week or so ago... not having any negative thoughts, feelings, or self image felt SO AMAZING, just lying there and soaking up the softness of the sheets was one of the happiest experiences I've felt.
I just discoverd my BF side, and it really helping me through this crap. whenever I have a tough situation to deal with, or a painfull memory to feel out, I just ask myself what that little fox would do. I usually feel a lot better when I do it. BAH I hate how bad I am about expressing my own emotions... I can talk to someone else and understand them completely, and put their feelings into words well, but I can't write a simple page discribing the way I feel about life...
thats enough for today, I'm getting no-where..... maybe tomorrow I'll enter some raps or something.