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Tolerance == "awesome spouse"

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I've kinda been noticing this of late.

Periodically we have spouses of ABs or DLs popping on from time to time. Sometimes making new threads about how they just discovered their spouse's lifestyle/fetish. People pop on and reply... some of those in the same sort of situation. Yadda yadda.

A reoccurring theme I've noticed is a lot of gushing from the AB/DL members towards the spouses.

e.g. "You're obviously a great spouse just by the fact that you're on this site trying to understand the issue." Or... they're awesome because they'll put up with the AB/DL as long as they only do it when they're not around. Etc.

... which has me a little confused. For the sake of honesty, I do not have extensive experience with relationships. I've had a couple multi-year relationships (one of which I felt heavily invested in), but I've been single for about a decade now. And, I've never disclosed my being an AB to anyone. So, it might just be that I don't get relationships in general. (I've been accused of being Sheldon from TBBT.)

Anyway, what I'm wondering is, do people really think that, or are they just being insincere or exaggerating?

e.g. If a spouse told me "Fine... I don't get this at all... and I think it's gross. But as long as you never do it when I'm around, and you don't talk about it, it's ok I guess."... I get the impression that a lot of people would shower praise on her telling her how great it is that she's so accepting. But I don't think my thought would be "great spouse". More like... "<sarcasm>Oh, so as long as I slither around in the darkness with my disgusting, vile habit, I have your permission to have said habit while you pretend that I don't so that you can stand looking at me? Thanks so much. I don't deserve such kindness...</sarcasm>" (I have seen examples of this basic thing being said without any sarcasm, which is partly what confuses me.)

Now, mind you, I don't think people that get creeped out by AB/DLs are bad people. I understand everyone has different things they're able to function around. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't even think people that are "Out of sight out of mind" about it are bad people... But I don't see how they're great either.

It really gives the impression (well, to me) that some people have self worth issues when they imply that their spouse is a such great person that they're undeserving of for the simple fact that their spouse hasn't left the relationship (sometimes going on for years before discovery/disclosure) over their being an AB/DL.

So, is this gushing an exaggerated attempt at making these people feel comfortable/welcome at this site and with the AB/DL community in general?

Or is it completely genuine?

Do people here think that just by coming on a site such as this to do some "research" is a testament to how open minded they are?

Do people here think that the fact that a spouse will ignore this lifestyle/fetish is a testament to their character and an example of how good their relationship is?

Or do you think this is actually not even remotely a common scenario?

Just mildly curious.


  1. BabyBeau's Avatar
    I can only say how I think of it, but here goes nothin'. When a spouse is told something like this, and even more so if they have been together a long time, it rocks the relationship pretty hard. Out of sight and out of mind is sometimes the best way to deal with this right away, as I'm sure that you'll agree that instant total acceptance is unlikely. These things take time for most people to adjust the way that they see thier partner.

    By joining ADISC and trying to understand the whole AB/DL thing, the spouse is takeing steps to be ok with it. Even if they say they don't want anything to do with AB/DL stuff, you have to realise that this lifestyle is maybe only a few days or weeks old for this person, and up until recently, they may not have even known it existed.

    I think the "gushing" over these spouses is a little much, but I do think that they sould be commended. Commended for trying to accept thier partner, and commended in order to keep them around so they become more comfortable with the whole scene.
  2. MrMcAwesome's Avatar
    personaly i think if you love someone you should accept their quirks. Like honestly i think if someone leaves you because of your underwear preference then they dont love you. I think that they should be encouraged to find out more and to choose if they love the person enough to accept them. I dont buy the whole "I love you but i cant accept this part of you i want nothing to do with it" to me thats not love.
    Anyway thats just how i feel
  3. LunaCat's Avatar
    BabyBeau: I'm not saying such a revelation would not come as a shock. I wouldn't be put off by someone being shocked about it... or grossed out by it... whatever. You can't fault people for what they like or don't like.

    As far as "time to adjust", you make a good point, but I don't typically see these things as being temporary. Many instances I've seen, it's a solution that's been in use for years.

    But really, none of that is what I'm getting at anyway. I'm saying I don't understand why you would shower such things with praise. Part of me feels like they're being wined and dined so to speak. "Oh, it's so wonderful instead of just immediately ditching your spouse, you decided to actually do some research first. You're amazing."

    I worry that this does two things:
    --Gives the person dealing with this a skewed perception of things. Taking the time to research something before jumping the gun in your relationship isn't deserving of high praise any more than not cheating on your spouse is imo. It should be a given in a healthy relationship.

    --Gives other AB/DLs the impression that they should feel ashamed of themselves. e.g. I've seen people say things like "Really he's so lucky to have a spouse as open minded as you" in reference to someone just coming here to see what this is or says they're ok with it as long as they never have to see it or hear of it. So lucky? That is what qualifies as "so lucky" in a relationship? :-/

    MrMcAwesome: It's hard to define "real love", so I tend to just avoid those lines of thinking, but I kind of feel the same way.

    I tend to try and take an "at a distance" look at these sorts of things. i.e. If you can't accept it, that's fine, and you shouldn't feel bad about that. I really believe that. If you step back from the whole "love" issue, you can simply say "I like being with you very much, but not enough to do/not-do/tolerate ${x}" where ${x} can be anything. That doesn't indicate a character flaw imo.

    I just find the excessive praise off-putting for the reasons above. If the situation were reversed, I think I'd actually suspect flattery in some of these cases. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.