Infantilism, A True AB
by, 15-Apr-2011 at 23:41 (3440 Views)
When I was six I was adopted, and until I was 53, I had no recollection of anything before adoption. The fact that I had an older sister was a shock to me, when introduced at age 17. It was all a blank. Then, at 53, I had a series of Transient Ischemic Attacks (TIA) which are mini strokes that resolve themselves. Waking up on the floor after losing three, four, and up to eight hours, wasn't fun! That was when the nightmares began.
With the nightmares came the overpowering desire to regress. My wife became concerned when I stopped leaving the house, wearing two or three diapers at a time during the day, and spending most of my day tucked in the corner of my office surrounded by teddy bears and stuffed toys. I cried often, jumped at every sound, and stopped talking. She took me to a psychiatrist.
I was terrified. She had to hold my hand and keep me close the entire trip, and sat with me in the office. With her there I could talk about what was happening, and as I opened up to the psychiatrist she started making sense of things. Repressed memories were trying to surface from my past, according to her, and hypnotherapy was recommended. There were drugs too, pills to make me go to sleep (I'd been afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmare), and pills to help me stay asleep, and pills to help me stay calm, etc.
In desperation I wrote to the orphans court of Montgomery County for the records on my case. After months of cutting through red tape, proving my identity, sending copies of my adoption papers (I found them after my Mom passed), etc. I finally got the court appointed investigator's report. After that the nightmare made sense, and through reading the report all the memories that were trying to get through suddenly were repressed again. For several months I remained in my mind, a two-year-old baby girl. Yes, I said girl.
More hypnotherapy sessions followed and the memories came out, one at a time, until I was completely and permanently scarred. It took nearly four years to fully recover to the point where I can once again mingle with people and keep my terror under control. But the infant me lies only a memory away! The once tough ex-cop fearless man no longer existed in this body. I doubt he will every return.
Flashbacks and the nightmare leave me in a state of instant regression, the way I dealt with it all from age three until after six. Since I'd never been potty trained, and still wore diapers at age six, and have been incontinent and in diapers since I was 12 this is easier than you might expect. Out comes the pacifier, or bottle, or baby toys, and I am two again, a quiet little girl. Why?
My birth mother worked in an asylum (mental hospital of the 50's) where she was able to get a drug called quietepine. She was able to get other drugs too, and with those, banana rum mixed with apple juice, and beer mixed with milk she was able to reduce me to a silent and quiet toddler. She didn't have any boy clothes, so I wore my sisters baby clothes. Because alcohol makes you pee more, she kept me in multiple diapers at all times.
Most of the time I was too intoxicated and drugged to walk, or even crawl, which made taking care of me easy for her. According to the notes of the investigator, he thought I was a girl until in the hospital a nurse changed me. It was also thought that I was only three, as I was very small for my age. There are other memories too.
As a child I knew that being dressed in girl clothes meant that people liked holding me more. If I was very still and quiet in their arms I was often held for long periods of time. Craving human touch I was careful to learn what they liked best when holding me, and making sure my mother and aunt liked holding me.
Both of them were often cruel, especially to me. Those memories are just as vivid as sitting in a playpen in a dress, three diapers, and rhumba pants. I like the latter much better. When they were alone, and drunk, they would do things to us. My sister and I both had multiple orgasm difficulties. It sounds nice, but it can be very painful! Masturbation was another way to manipulate us, especially at bedtime and naptime. So it's surprising that diapers were never a sexual thing for me.
Now I'm somewhat more normal, still incontinent, still wearing gauze prefold diapers and plastic pants (I'm allergic to disposables), and very often lost in my baby world. After seeing a psychologist for two years I came to grips with who I am, and am now comfortable being an adult baby. Yellow and pink are my favorite colors and most of my pacifiers are pink. The nipples are the Nuk 5, but the rest is borrowed from a baby girl pacifier. I have a playpen big enough for me (built by a close friend) that is my retreat. And occasionally my wife takes on the role of Mommy.
If you read this blog, thanks for sticking with it. Did you have similar experiences? I'm always glad to talk to other ABs, even those who aren't incontinent! Being comfortable with who we are is important. I hope you are.
Deliriously Happy in Diapers!