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It's The Morning

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It's the morning and all is well. Well when you reflect that to how I was feeling yesterday afternoon, where I was getting really irritable on small things, But it's all involved how other people act. If some one makes a light hearted joke about me, It was all funny in the past and silly banter. But now I just have to act like it's still funny, while I return to my desk and sigh to myself. Or that I was waiting in the cold outdoors waiting for a lift from my dad. I asked him to come to a certain time, he didn't. Was 20 minutes late. I am sure there was a legitimate reason behind it, but I didn't ask. It wouldn't of mattered what the reason was, I was still upset about it.

It's also difficult to not appear upset. I don't want people asking me what's wrong when even I don't know what is up. It's not like a loved one passed away, I am sure they'll understand that. But giving slightly small details as to what Is causing it is only going to confuse them and I can't really explain the bigger picture of it all. So what do I do, suppress it. Which isn't good, it only makes things worse in the long run. And it's beginning to show, I have asked to go home early by skipping the afternoon off, or going home an hour early. Because I couldn't take the stress, not from working, but just not from wanting to be upset. And that takes more effort than to do real work.

Certain odd behaviors had developed. I was either in really early, or late. Never on a set time. Already mentioned excusing myself to leave, started to listen to music more and being obsessed with my mobile phone (would pick it up, fiddle with it, and ask myself what am I doing with this?). This was questioned by my friends at uni this week. They were mostly asking why I was on my phone a lot, saying "So UnMarth, I see you've been texting a lot, is it to anyone special?". I wasn't in any think fast moment and just replied "kinda" while pulling one heck of a face of embarrassment with this. I am very good at over dramatizing things. This brought up other questions in the day to interrogate what I have been upto and why I behave oddly. All tieing it to this one special person they believe I have. I just said yes to them all pretty much, adding a little convincing side detail just to get them to go through the topic fast.

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty grim in the morning, And when I was in the lab, I said to my team mates I planned to leave early with one other member. He mentioned this a week ago and wanted to go to some birthday party of his girlfriend's. Also has a very expensive gift for her. He is a pretty cool dude, usually very understanding, non judgmental, reasonably well informed guy And very easy to get along with. I am glad to have him in our team.

Anyway, the guy mentioned above made a side joke about my plans with my "special" person over the weekend or something. I can't remember. But asked him to please stop mentioning this person. It really does cause a lot of pain. I know they like to wind me up with other comments, and I don't mind that they do. But not this person, it just reminds me of my poor behaviors. I just mentioned that I am not feeling very well on the mental side of things. And it's the reason why I have been acting odd so recently. He was rather understanding of this and am grateful for it.

We just spent the next hour or so wasting time talking about various topics in the news. I even brought up about the topic of paedophile 'ring' being found. And pointed me towards an interesting documentary that aired on the BBC. About in the US they have a centre where after a convicted paedophile has done their time, they are deemed unsafe and taken to a place to cure them. Where they are diagnosed with various sexual illnesses and "cured" by making them become less aroused by children. YouTube - Louis Theroux A Place For Paedophiles Part 1
I won't say my opinions here. But it's an interesting watch if you have the time.

Last night was very difficult though, I decided to go home to stay over at my Dad's house. I don't ever talk about my personal feelings to anyone, even family. The guy I mentioned suggested I should probably talk to some one who I know reasonaly well and trust, yet who doesn't really know my friends or family. I can see the reasons why he suggested that, and yes, I do talk to a number of people online who I would say know me reasonably well, but not my friends and family. But I still find it difficult then, because I know what they're gong to say back, because I know them well and I don't really want to harm them by thinking I have problems and ruin the wonderful relationship that I have with them already. That's why I hide my feelings away from everyone.

There is a list of who needs to know? Well, I have deemed my problem from going to potentially a problem, to a problem that people now notice. And with my team mates, they should know because they're dependent on me to do my part, so it's to re-assure them that they know some days I will work, others I won't. But not the whole lab with other groups. Even though we interact a lot with the whole openness of the lab. I still don't want the world to know, and I certainly don't want to be upset at the desk around my team members, let alone 20 or so other people in my year.

Well, I have lot's more to write, yet so little time to do it in. Plus I think I am lacking in structure. Although I feel these are the most comprehensible blogs I have to date.
It's just morning I woke up and realised how much a clean new sheet was given to me to draw up my emotions on. That is, I feel normal and restored. I have been very tired over the past weeks. But still very very far from the usual way I behave when tired.

I just now realise that this problem, really is a problem and I will bring this up to my next appointment I have with the mental health advisor. And see what they have to say about it. I just now live in fear that the next repeat will be worse, as that's what they seem to be doing.

P.S. this tune will never get old:

Updated 19-Mar-2011 at 15:34 by recovery


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