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care_a_lot

Dear Mommy.

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I can't believe that you are gone. I can't stop thinking about you and thinking that maybe your just in the other room. I can't count on both hands how many times I have called you on your mobile only to have the message "you have reached the message bank of *inserts number here* will you please leave your message after the beep."

I can't believe that you are now on the other side of the earth. So far away from your little baby girl who wants nothing more than to be inside your arms. I am taking valium to help me to sleep, muscle relaxants and pain killers for my back because it hurts so much from all the crying. I just want you to hold me again. I want you home.

I want to be eating rice for the fifty millionth time listening to you complaining about it and promising that things will get better when I get more money which I am getting now I'm bugging benetas for the work. You are gone. My mommy is gone.

I keep thinking of the look on your face, the sheer fear of leaving me alone at home here whilst you went off in the cab. I tried to watch the cab leave but I couldn't get the door open fast enough and I just watched the headlights speed you from my life.

I am crying the whole time I am writing this and am telling my friends to please help me because I feel so alone and suicidal. I feel like I'm in a cave and I can't see a light.

Last night I woke up at 5am screaming for my mommy. Of course Gail responded and she took it suprisingly well. She told me later that she didn't know which one I was screaming for or whether or not to respond. She's giving me a lot of hugs but she doesn't feel like you.

Everything was easier when you were here. I have no appetite and Gail is giving me food at the moment cos I can't think straight. I don't want to eat and I don't know what I'm doing still alive. Although having over 20 people call the cops that I wanted to kill myself means that I'm supposed to be alive for some odd reason. But for what? Without you I feel as though there is no reason to live. It won't stop hurting mommy. I'm not coping and I just want to hold you again. I don't care where I am. So long as I'm with you I know everything will be just fine. I miss you. I love you.
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Comments

  1. starshine's Avatar
    I'm sorry to hear your having a tough time. She will be back, just hang in there, Kiddo!
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