Re Gender Part I
by, 05-Jan-2011 at 03:15 (714 Views)
Blech. That's all I have to say, just blech. I have a sinking feeling that my life is about to get much more complicated in the next few years >.> In part, this is because I have just now begun to take my gender seriously.
There are few options I'm weighing regarding identity, but at the present the most appealing appellation would be gender-fluid. I wish I could provide a better link than Urban Dictionary, but it's not a very common term. In essence, it is a non-static gender identity: rather than feeling consistently masculine or feminine (or something else), I feel a balance between the two identities that shifts from moment to moment. It's a hard thing to describe, but here's how the best example I can think of:
Imagine that you're touching your male friend's neck/hand/shoulder -- anything really, just a non-gendered body part. Now imagine you're touching the same part of your female friend. Something's different about the two, maybe not physically, but there's something different about the way you connect that one part of them to their whole identity. When I hold my girlfriend's hand, it's not just that I'm holding a small, soft hand with long fingernails -- I'm holding a woman's hand. When I touch my own hand, it could go either way. When I feel my face, my facial hair could feel either foreign or familiar, or both at the same time. When I think back to a conversation, I could remember my voice as playful and silvery or smooth and masculine.
When I'm alone -- when I'm at my most neutral state -- I'm a even mix of both. I'm a mosaic, really. My legs feel feminine, but arms masculine. My chest is feminine, but my back masculine. My nose feels masculine, but my lips feminine. When I'm around other people, it really depends on how I want to work the situation. If I want to create a feeling of closeness, I'll mimic their gender expression. If I want distance, I'll go for the gender I think they're attracted to (which is guaranteed way to make straight men keep their distance!). If I want to really leave an impact, I'll do the latter and try to be emotionally close.
For the sake of avoiding tl;dr responses, I'll end this post here and start a Part II to tie up some loose ends. What I'm interested to know, though, is how you all have gendered me. Granted, my last two blog entries left no mystery about my anatomy, and I had "M" on my profile for quite some time before I switched the "sex" field it to "Other" (more on that in part II). But I'm curious: just based on the face I put out online, what gender would you think I am? I ask because in real life I'm always getting odd remarks, so I'd like to see if I have the same effect online.