I never noticed how often I talk to myself in my head...
by, 06-Dec-2010 at 03:47 (328 Views)
Whenever something is wrong, or something bad happens, I have a conversation with myself in my head. It really pathetic actually, but it's something I've always done.
I think it started when my parents seperated in elementary school, I was so upset about it, I coudn't bring myself to tell my friends about it until a day or two later. When I told them, they acused me of lying because I didn't tell them right away. They dismissed any excuse I had and that was that.
I often take things literally and I know I need to step back and analyze things before I take them to heart, but it's hard. It's something I learned to do going up mainly because that's what I was taught.
So what I took away from my friend's reation was that, friends were for fun, not for emotional support, advice, or anything else like that. From that point on, I never developed my friendships any further than play mates because I didn't know any better.
I grew up not being able to develop these realationships into meaningful friendships because I didn't know how. I finally learned the meaning of true friendship in middle school. I forget the reasoning, but I started crying in class. Crying was very rare for me, especially in public because I was told at a very young age that crying was not ok. Only babies did that and I was a big girl, or my favorite, "look at that ugly face you make when you cry." So I assumed crying was not acceptable to do.
Anyway, a friend of mine actually comforted me and helped me feel better. It was such a weird sensation to have her do that to me because it was something I had never experienced, even from my parents. The only way I can describe the feeling is an aching feeling in my heart, almost like someone was stabbing me, and yet it felt so good.
To help give you a better understanding on how "un-normal" it was to have a friend do that for me, I actually called her my "counselor" because I had no idea people other than counselors had the ability to do that.
Long story short, because I never learned the skills of how to be a good friend I lost that friendship and never gained it back. I went back to talking to myself, being my own friend. I would often fantisize other play mates being a "friend."
The only other real friend I had was a girl whom I met online. She helped me get through some pretty rough times in high school, but we lost touch.
Despite having a girlfriend, I often find myself talking to myself, comforting myself (unless I'm feeling really down, then I'll convince myself I need to be punished). It's especially difficult when it's about her, and I need advice.. Like right now.
Basically she might leave me because lets face it, it's much easier to be stright. The PDA, the family, the wedding, the legal aspects, starting a family, society... She "flirted" with another man. They held each other's arms while walking and their legs touched at dinner.. I don't clasify that as flirting, but it concerns me that she thinks it is.
I'm scared that she mentally/emotionally cheated. She imagined herself with him, and even desired to do other things. After she told me she flirted, she told me she often thought about being with a man, because she has never experienced it. It's difficult to talk with her about it because I don't have those desires and never had so not being with a man is not something I wish I could have experienced.
I just don't want to loose her. I love her so much...
I dont know what to do anymore...