Dealing with my ugly past
by, 04-Dec-2010 at 02:47 (311 Views)
Yeah, as many people here are aware, my childhood was very ugly. And many people here are aware that I added outrageous details to it when I first talked about it here (I later openly admitted it, and I've done my best to be completely honest since then).
I don't know why people feel a need to compare their pain with others. When I grew up, I had a mother, a sister and a stepfather who always tried to ram the following message down my throat - "You have no reason to feel depressed or angry. We all have things that are so much worse than what you ever had to deal with. Shut the fuck up, smile, act like nothing is wrong!"
Yeah, I was often beaten and humiliated at all the schools I attended. I often locked myself in my room and cried, only to have the family pounding on my door, telling me to shut up because my crying distracted them from their favorite sitcoms. My stepfather often threatened me with physical violence (and sometimes delivered it), in an attempt for me to "grow a thicker skin". My sister walked all over me, because she knew the parents relied on her to act as my third parent, and that's humiliating considering she was my younger sister and that she was up to all sorts of illegal activities when I wasn't. My mother knew everything that was going on, and she kept on trying to force-feed me new-age designer religion bullshit, and when that didn't work, she would take me to doctors who would prescribe me psych meds after appointments where she did all the talking, and I was not allowed to get a word in.
And all of these people told me that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. I had no friends, I was an open target at school, and an open target at home, even the extended family treated me like I was some kind of freak.
I understand now that none of these people had any idea how to deal with a child or a teenager with a developmental disability. They did not know that further humiliation was not the key to help me not have any outbursts or meltdowns. They were aware that something was very wrong with me, but they had the foolish thinking that because something was wrong with me, that made the way I felt completely inadmissible in their opinion. I forgive them, for they really were acting blindly in dealing with me.
But around the time I was 15, I started to exaggerate what was going on in my life. I started to make up details that never actually happened. The primary motivation behind this was because I was sick and tired of my family telling me that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. And, oddly enough, even with those exaggerations and false details, they still cried out that I had a great life and that I had no right to feel the pain I was in.
I stuck with those lies when I first found the Internet. It garnered me some sympathy that I never had, but every time I told those lies, a part of me died inside. It became a nasty and complicated habit, one that I was only able to truly break a few months ago. I understand if some people don't believe a word I say now - I don't deserve the trust of others, and I don't seriously expect it, but I am grateful that I am still openly accepted by so many people here.
But it does annoy me to this day when I hear somebody say, "My pain is greater than yours!" Such a line is complete bullshit, no matter who it comes from.
What compelled me to make this blog post? I really don't know. I feel somewhat off balance today (probably due to a recent medication change, or it could be my body detoxing from not having any high-fructose corn syrup in it over the last few days). Thanks to those who are on my side, I am honored to have such decent people still willing to talk with me.