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Kinky Kapers of Kaworu!

Dealing with my ugly past

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Yeah, as many people here are aware, my childhood was very ugly. And many people here are aware that I added outrageous details to it when I first talked about it here (I later openly admitted it, and I've done my best to be completely honest since then).

I don't know why people feel a need to compare their pain with others. When I grew up, I had a mother, a sister and a stepfather who always tried to ram the following message down my throat - "You have no reason to feel depressed or angry. We all have things that are so much worse than what you ever had to deal with. Shut the fuck up, smile, act like nothing is wrong!"

Yeah, I was often beaten and humiliated at all the schools I attended. I often locked myself in my room and cried, only to have the family pounding on my door, telling me to shut up because my crying distracted them from their favorite sitcoms. My stepfather often threatened me with physical violence (and sometimes delivered it), in an attempt for me to "grow a thicker skin". My sister walked all over me, because she knew the parents relied on her to act as my third parent, and that's humiliating considering she was my younger sister and that she was up to all sorts of illegal activities when I wasn't. My mother knew everything that was going on, and she kept on trying to force-feed me new-age designer religion bullshit, and when that didn't work, she would take me to doctors who would prescribe me psych meds after appointments where she did all the talking, and I was not allowed to get a word in.

And all of these people told me that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. I had no friends, I was an open target at school, and an open target at home, even the extended family treated me like I was some kind of freak.

I understand now that none of these people had any idea how to deal with a child or a teenager with a developmental disability. They did not know that further humiliation was not the key to help me not have any outbursts or meltdowns. They were aware that something was very wrong with me, but they had the foolish thinking that because something was wrong with me, that made the way I felt completely inadmissible in their opinion. I forgive them, for they really were acting blindly in dealing with me.

But around the time I was 15, I started to exaggerate what was going on in my life. I started to make up details that never actually happened. The primary motivation behind this was because I was sick and tired of my family telling me that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. And, oddly enough, even with those exaggerations and false details, they still cried out that I had a great life and that I had no right to feel the pain I was in.

I stuck with those lies when I first found the Internet. It garnered me some sympathy that I never had, but every time I told those lies, a part of me died inside. It became a nasty and complicated habit, one that I was only able to truly break a few months ago. I understand if some people don't believe a word I say now - I don't deserve the trust of others, and I don't seriously expect it, but I am grateful that I am still openly accepted by so many people here.

But it does annoy me to this day when I hear somebody say, "My pain is greater than yours!" Such a line is complete bullshit, no matter who it comes from.

What compelled me to make this blog post? I really don't know. I feel somewhat off balance today (probably due to a recent medication change, or it could be my body detoxing from not having any high-fructose corn syrup in it over the last few days). Thanks to those who are on my side, I am honored to have such decent people still willing to talk with me.
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  1. h3g3l's Avatar
    This is the "it could be worse" argument, and is a weak and offensive one.

    Could things be worse? Sure! Always! Is there a need to bring this up? Nope; it's very seldom productive.

    My parents never did the "there are starving children in Africa" (it'd be "China" these days, I guess) thing with me, which is good. Had they, I'd have likely said, "good. Let them die and teach the idiot adults who had 20 kids a lesson."
  2. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by h3g3l
    This is the "it could be worse" argument, and is a weak and offensive one.

    Could things be worse? Sure! Always! Is there a need to bring this up? Nope; it's very seldom productive.

    My parents never did the "there are starving children in Africa" (it'd be "China" these days, I guess) thing with me, which is good. Had they, I'd have likely said, "good. Let them die and teach the idiot adults who had 20 kids a lesson."
    One of the common arguments my mother used against me was, "There are people out there who are far more abusive towards their children than your stepfather is to you."

    As if that made everything he did do perfectly acceptable.

    * sigh *
  3. h3g3l's Avatar
    I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

    Oh God ... this is horrible. I ... ... she was serious?
  4. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by h3g3l
    I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

    Oh God ... this is horrible. I ... ... she was serious?
    Sadly, yes, she was serious.

    And then you have my sister who claims, "He only kicked our asses when we deserved it."

    Apparently, her definition of "deserving it" includes missing a spot while mopping the kitchen floor. Or not taking a full hour to vacuum the house. Or waiting until I was actually finished making cookies to start cleaning up the kitchen (he ripped my shirt off, literally, over that one before throwing me to the floor and telling me that he was going to kick my ass and bruise me up if I didn't do what he wanted).
  5. dryeyebrybry's Avatar
    [QUOTE] ...When I grew up, I had a mother, a sister and a stepfather who always tried to ram the following message down my throat - "You have no reason to feel depressed or angry. We all have things that are so much worse than what you ever had to deal with. Shut the fuck up, smile, act like nothing is wrong!"...
    ...But around the time I was 15, I started to exaggerate what was going on in my life. I started to make up details that never actually happened. The primary motivation behind this was because I was sick and tired of my family telling me that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. And, oddly enough, even with those exaggerations and false details, they still cried out that I had a great life and that I had no right to feel the pain I was in. [/QUOTE]

    sadly i know where your coming from, someone poeple dont understand that the pain you feel is as real and vivid as the words in your blog. your pain was looked down as if it was nothing, thats proboly why you came up with those lie, to make you feel like your pain had value. but true is it already did.

    i hope you feel happier now in your life and down let painful past hold you back!
  6. Chiharu's Avatar
    I think the "It could be worse" arguement works when 2 circomstances are met...

    1) The reciever has to have the mental capacity to feel and relate to what the anology is.

    2) The reciever has to be emotionally attached to that anaology.

    Also, its one thing to quote that line.... however if your actively looking for sympothy from people who may very well fit that catagory of "got it way worse then you"... well, son of a bitch haha, expect little sympothy perhapse?


    However... "But it does annoy me to this day when I hear somebody say, "My pain is greater than yours!" Such a line is complete bullshit, no matter who it comes from." Doesnt register for me... unless you are so self absorbed, so filled with malice that you cant open your eyes to the truth then you cant expect sympothy either. Personally, my hypothesis is that you have to accept your self before you can allow others to support you.

    I openly share my situation on here and although its akward for me, hard, and embarassing sometimes i do it because of support yes, but also to help my self accept and talk about my situation. That being said i still support and hold my friends who have difficulties. They all have the same story "i dont know why im doing this when your in your position" etc... but honnestly, the capacity to show compassion doesnt need a bar graph to have.

    Fact is i only show compassion to people i feel deserve it and generally i feel this way to most people. I am pretty sure half the people on my msn are all people emotionally hurt and who needed a friend like i deeply needed a friend long ago. The only difference is i only seek out people who are searching for help while promoting their stregnth, not emphasizing their weakness.

    My sympothy goes to those i feel have the mental mindset that deserves it in my opinion. That being said you need to understand that theres different levels of sympothy and support. That being said your family is clearly is broken and your time at school is also broken..


    Personally i think your ability to grasp the concept of "it could be worse" was corroded by your past experiences and i am very sorry for this.

    *hugs* personally i think your a very good person, your just falling into the trap of choosing to embrace what kept your mentally secure for all those hard years. (block out any other pains so you can cope with your own pain as number 1)

    :3

    Chiharu
  7. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu
    However... "But it does annoy me to this day when I hear somebody say, "My pain is greater than yours!" Such a line is complete bullshit, no matter who it comes from." Doesnt register for me... unless you are so self absorbed, so filled with malice that you cant open your eyes to the truth then you cant expect sympothy either. Personally, my hypothesis is that you have to accept your self before you can allow others to support you.
    What I meant when I said that is that it is bullshit no matter who it comes from. If I said it, it would be bullshit, so I tend not to say it.

    Anybody who says, "My pain is greater than yours!" is very self-absorbed. Everybody has great pain in their life at some point in his or her life. Diminishing that is truly an asshole-ish thing for anybody to do.
  8. Chiharu's Avatar
    Well, i lived with a very severe form of cronic backpain for the better part of 10 years and only just recently have been released from that prison of hurt greatly. That being said im going to be asshole-ish and say that my pain i faced is far worse then most people experience in a lifetime, period. Sure, nightmares suck, but thats temporary... sad feelings suck, but thats overcomeable... try making an arguement to put those feelings on par with coping with long term chronic pain. There is very few things that top that... and its usually a combination of health problems that are long lasting or dead ended such as cancer. Also, poverty and stuff which is similar to delayed physical and mental damage over time.

    I may not go around advertising my personal feelings of pain but i will say that 95% of modern society has never and will never encounter the amount of pain I have had to go through in my life. Those who fall into that 95% will never be able to comprehend that level of pain and therefore i dont expect them to... but that being said they cant expect me to feel sympothy for them if their whimsically feeing sucidal over garbage. :P

    Just sayin...
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