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Yumi

Down The Rabbit Hole

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I would just like to say that there aren't many people that like me here on ADISC, but to those of you who have given me advice.. I thank you.

So, after having a long talk with my husband, a few things were brought up. I don't really want to get into them, but basically I am now being monitored. This scares me a lot because, what if other people are monitoring me too? Like... What if he is just apart of something bigger? He's gotten into my head on various occasions. He's shown me that he can pull my thoughts and use them at will. He even knew about my purchase of amphetamines.

As the weeks have gone by, I have grown more and more afraid of my friends and family. My friends just have little quirks and these quirks are alarming, because maybe they were never really my friends to begin with. I don't even have the will to see them anymore and often "forget" to hang out with them. I personally don't trust them anymore. There's a lot of secrets I'm keeping from them, and part of it is upsetting me. This is only because I see the friendships we used to have, and now they're not quite the same. I feel as if my friends have been replaced by drones and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I talked to my husband about the thing I have grown to be ashamed of. My *Bism. He did say before that he would participate but he finally admitted that he would never be comfortable participating but I was free to wear diapers whenever I wanted. This was a plus, but I can't help but question it.

My husband told me today that finally, he will support me on my journey. I am allowed to be off my schizophrenic medication and get through this by myself. He doesn't know about my master plan, but that's fine. (Once again, my master plan is not suicide in anyway). He knows bits and pieces... So far I have only confided in one person with this plan. They will keep it a secret, even if they do not agree with it. Either way, things will change and morph back into the way things were... And I'll be okay. The rabbit hole is open... For anyone, and that's scary but promising. If I go down, I know I am taking others with me but not by choice. Fuck the drones. My husband did say, however... That if shit got too serious, he would have to put me back in hospital. This is not something I want, but I do have a plan b for this course of action.

They know what I am.
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Comments

  1. h3g3l's Avatar
    I don't see this ending well, and your rising paranoia and spotlight effect queries are not good signs.

    Hopefully you can move through this and toward a happier tomorrow with less feelings of paranoia and disarray. I really do hope this for you, even though I think the approach you are currently taking will not get you there.

    As it is very difficult to say, being inside yourself, when things are getting "too" serious, I hope that your husband has and exercises good judgement when things really come unglued. Again, I'm not hoping that things come unglued, but see this as the unfortunate result of the path you are currently on.

    Good luck, and ... ... well, hopefully the ride isn't too rough.
  2. Chiharu's Avatar
    Alright, im going to be blunt, and im doing this after taking afew days to review and asking the opinions of others so this is not some kind of whimical attack on you or anything like that..

    I'm going to pre-load this by basically saying you need to take a step in the proactive direction and seek professional MD grade-help. I say this specifically for the benefit of your self, your family, your friends, and your future.

    I am no doctor, no smarty pants, no educated potato, but i can clearly gauge by your poems and blogs that...

    You most likely have a severe self-harm related disorder, most likely some form of cutting judging by your poems.

    You most likely also have an eating disorder or multiple ones which need to be assessed along with everything else.

    You do know you have Schizophrenia but you clearly cannot keep it under control... you fully believe in

    "A Master plan"

    "That everyone is out to get you"

    The extreme paranoia

    And all the refrences to "They" and "Them" Which my only conclusion is its some foreign force derrived from your own personal experience that your mind has created.

    In reality Absolutely no one here is out to get you however we do honestly suggest you seek medical attention as soon as possible for your own benefit.

    That being said I am also going to side with the land of logic and state that no sane and educated man with clear thought and reason would invoke marraige on a emotionally distressed unstable 17 year old female. It's completely irrational and if you had a stable set of parental figures it would never of happend. That being said your relationships level of trust does not equate a healthy basic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship much less a marriage.

    1. Seek an immediate medical evaluation
    I. Be honest about every last thing... judging from the past my guess is if i had to make it up, you wernt honest with the people trying to support you, you probably hid prohibited objects etc..

    2. Step back from your currant relationship and seek out either a counselor or a psycologist or a combination of the two to evauluate your currant situation, judging by your currant state your probably quiet open to being takin advantage of.


    3. "I would just like to say that there aren't many people that like me here on ADISC": Is not the case, I have spoken with many people who think you are probably a very nice person however due to your currant circomstances they do not wish to communicate with you. I sencerely hope that you take this advice straight away and get in control of your life and your future. Your the only one who can make the choice.


    Sorry this had to be so blunt... but i believe buttering it up and making it sound fluffy wouldn't be benefitial to you this late in "the game"...
    Updated 23-Nov-2010 at 07:56 by Chiharu (Spelling errors... fixed one or two.. yea yea.. i know still bad but w.e)
  3. CharliePup's Avatar
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/yumi/405-scared.html
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/yumi/395-sigh.html
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/yum...confusion.html
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/yumi/694-decision.html
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/yum...yyyyiayyy.html

    Firstly; in the above posts, can you see that you're sick? Do you remember those posts, and remember that you were sick? Or do you think they make perfect sense, and are totally healthy?

    Secondly; if your 'husband' is encouraging you to stay off your meds...that's slightly concerning. Does he have any history of mental problems himself?

    Third: Please stop taking OTHER drugs. They aren't good for people without any mental health problems; they're terrible for you.

    Finally; you're clearly having mental problems again, probably related to your schizophrenia. I advise you to SEEK. HELP. I have a schizophrenic brother; it is horribly frustrating to hear him speak in a disjointed way, say things that make no sense (to anyone but himself), and then turn around and insist that he's absolutely fine, everyone is out to get him, he feels FINE without pills, stop pushing them on him, etc, etc.

    Just to show you what I mean, try and work out what I mean, here, because this is how you sound to others:



    I went back today. It was green, I guess they hadn't planted any flowers. I don't know.

    The brainchildren are speaking with me again; sometimes I wish they'd shut up for two minutes. Was pretty funny in class yesterday when they got yelled at by our teacher. Of course, she's trying to kill me, her math worksheets are full of lead, that's why I shred them as soon as I can. I never let my hands touch them. I got sent to the principal once but he's in on it too so I didn't care.

    Nobody else understands; they have the wrong thoughts. The person who talks to me give me powers sometimes, so I can shut them out for a little bit, but they don't believe I can. It doesn't matter, they're all wrong anyway, just normal humans, not like me.

    I'm telling everyone I can about that incident with the spacehog, everyone thinks it's hilarious lol.
    :/ I agree with what everyone previous to me has said. SEEK. HELP. For God's sake, don't let it get so bad again.
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