Down The Rabbit Hole
by, 22-Nov-2010 at 17:30 (794 Views)
I would just like to say that there aren't many people that like me here on ADISC, but to those of you who have given me advice.. I thank you.
So, after having a long talk with my husband, a few things were brought up. I don't really want to get into them, but basically I am now being monitored. This scares me a lot because, what if other people are monitoring me too? Like... What if he is just apart of something bigger? He's gotten into my head on various occasions. He's shown me that he can pull my thoughts and use them at will. He even knew about my purchase of amphetamines.
As the weeks have gone by, I have grown more and more afraid of my friends and family. My friends just have little quirks and these quirks are alarming, because maybe they were never really my friends to begin with. I don't even have the will to see them anymore and often "forget" to hang out with them. I personally don't trust them anymore. There's a lot of secrets I'm keeping from them, and part of it is upsetting me. This is only because I see the friendships we used to have, and now they're not quite the same. I feel as if my friends have been replaced by drones and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I talked to my husband about the thing I have grown to be ashamed of. My *Bism. He did say before that he would participate but he finally admitted that he would never be comfortable participating but I was free to wear diapers whenever I wanted. This was a plus, but I can't help but question it.
My husband told me today that finally, he will support me on my journey. I am allowed to be off my schizophrenic medication and get through this by myself. He doesn't know about my master plan, but that's fine. (Once again, my master plan is not suicide in anyway). He knows bits and pieces... So far I have only confided in one person with this plan. They will keep it a secret, even if they do not agree with it. Either way, things will change and morph back into the way things were... And I'll be okay. The rabbit hole is open... For anyone, and that's scary but promising. If I go down, I know I am taking others with me but not by choice. Fuck the drones. My husband did say, however... That if shit got too serious, he would have to put me back in hospital. This is not something I want, but I do have a plan b for this course of action.
They know what I am.