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Yumi

Today, I am dirty and I want to be pretty.

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Yesterday I was pretty, and I want to be dirty. Tomorrow I know I'm just dirt.

I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch in my life. I feel apathy every day and it bothers me. I took myself off my antipsychotic medication, because it's all part of my master plan.

School isn't going well, I haven't completed any credits yet and I am ashamed.

I feel a growing urge to participate in my *Bism, but I feel like I can't be accepted by my husband... Even if he does accept it. He says he'll participate one day in the best way he can, but he never does.. And over the years of being with him I am no longer a brave individual with my fetish (though not sexual). I am as ashamed of that side of me as night is dark. I can't handle this build up of stress.. I need to put on a diaper and relax, but because I feel ashamed... I can't. I want so badly to stand up for myself... Especially when we get a place together and be like.. "SOMETIMES I NEED THIS TO RELAX, SO YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"... But that part of me feels dead. I desperately want to talk to him regarding this oddity, but as I said.. I am very scared and ashamed. This is totally different from how I used to be when I first joined at age 13 (turning 14). I used to wear in public, crinkle and all... I bought diapers with little anxiety... Now I feel like I'm stuck in my circle of friends and everyone's watching me. It makes me not want to see them anymore.

I've also recently gotten into Speed (or kiddy speed by your judgements... ADD/ADHD pills basically). Where I know it's wrong to talk about drugs... This is just part of me explaining what is going on for me now. I won't say much about it but it's all part of the master plan.

Comments

  1. closet dl's Avatar
    Yumi, now is the time to seek some help. The drug use, the feelings you express, and the tags you put on this blog entry are you asking for the help, whether you realize it or not. An easy way to start is to call a hotline. These are usually found in a phone book. You can also visit an emergency room and let them know of any suicidal feelings you are having. Either way, know that we care about you and you need to get some help.
  2. Yumi's Avatar
    My master plan isn't about suicide though. I may be suicidal to some extent... But my plan is to go back .
  3. Chiharu's Avatar
    Well, after reading the list of blogs im going to go with there is some seriously deep underlying issues and this is far above my level of education to analyze properly...
  4. GreeneQueen's Avatar
    Are you bi-polar? I ask because I am, and I find when depression takes over, I feel the urge to stop taking my anti-psychotics... NOT GOOD! Our medications can make us feel weird, but we need to discuss such feelings with a psychiatrist, or at the very least, a psychologist.
    "Kiddy speed" WILL kill you, and if you're suicidal, that may seem like a nice idea, but it's not... unless you like the possibility of a heart attack that doesn't kill you, but makes your life ten times worse.
    You mention a 'husband'... since you are awful young, I must ask... are you married? If so, and even if you're not, but in an incredibly close relationship, you really should discuss your feelings and desires with your spouse. I know you're afraid it might distance him, but if it does, he's not the one for you and as hard as it is to lose someone, it's better sooner than later and it leaves you more time to get your life on track and find someone who will love you for YOU (plus, your spouse may very well love you for you and may surprise you if you open up and let him know how serious you feel).
    You may not think you need help, as mental illness clouds our judgement, but honey, you do... truast someone who has been there; I have nearly ended my own life a number of times, but can tell you now, at 25, things have gotten a lot better.
    kudos on your blog post... never suffer in silence.
  5. h3g3l's Avatar
    The things you mention are destructive, and will build on themselves.

    You already know how to break free from this--start by doing something small that will get you toward a larger goal. Complete a packet/assignment for school. Then do a chapter. Then a course. Then several. Then you'll be moving along.

    Unfortunately, knowing this is not the same as doing--or being motivated to do. As for the difference, I am unsure of what to advise, but believe that going off your antipsychotic medication(s) is not a good start.

    I hope you pull out of this and through it. If wearing diapers helps you relax and be less jumpy, then do so. Right now, it is about pulling yourself out and through. You are no good to your husband or yourself if you are bogged down in this.

  6. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar
    You know what you are doing is destroying yourself.

    Your master plan will result in harming not only you, but the people who still care about you. If you really want to spend eternity with the karma from something like that hanging over your head, I don't think anybody can help you.

    We all become just dirt in the end. Why accelerate the process? I'm going to live up my days the best I can. If you put half as much effort into building yourself up as you currently are putting into your "master plan", chances are you'll find yourself living your days up as well.

    I don't mean to sound like a cunt, but really.
  7. Yumi's Avatar
    I'm schizophrenic, not bi-polar.
  8. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar
    I am schizophrenic, as well.

    I used to have master plans of my own.

    If you really want to pull of master plans for life that will actually benefit you and the world around you, I would suggest getting back on anti-psychotic medications. If the old ones left you feeling unmotivated, then tell the doctor, there are plenty of other ones out there. Don't give up on them just yet. Accepting that I had to take them for the rest of my life was a tough thing to manage, but now I look at it as being similar to a diabetic who needs to take insulin. Schizophrenia is not a choice, it is a legitimate disease that needs to be treated.
  9. GreeneQueen's Avatar
    Well the reason I asked is because I am currently diagnosed as having bi-polar, OCD, panic disorder and borderline personality disorder. But, schizophrenia has not been ruled out. My point being is that a lot of these mental illnesses can go hand in hand, or be confused as there are many similarities. What type of schizophrenia do you have? That can also influence a lot of things.
    With schizophrenia, you have to be careful to not let yourself fall into the belief that the disease is an ideal or something to strive for; it is a mental illness, plain and simple. Refusing treatment will only cause things to be worse for you and create a stronger disconnect with reality which will make you feel even more alone and delusional. Communication with a professional is essential as many times you need to try a multitude of medications before you find the right one, or combination.
    Never feed your mental illness; I know from personal experience it is easy to do and provides an odd comfort; a familiar feeling. It's not worth it.
  10. fifigal's Avatar
    Yumi, it is my hope that everyone in your circle of friends are, indeed, watching you. I hope that they are watching you because they love you and care about you. I hope they are watching you because they want to help keep you safe, away from danger and harm. I hope they are watching you so that they can be there to offer you help and support, if you need it. I hope that your circle of friends will always be there to catch you if you stumble, or to help you pick yourself up if you fall. If this is why your friends are watching you, I hope that you remain stuck with them for a long time to come. Please take care of yourself.
  11. LGstephy's Avatar
    honestly, I think your biggest problem is that you need to learn to live for yourself... there's no reason to feel any shame or guilt about anything you do. you need to do what makes you happy, and to hell with what everyone else thinks. unfortunately, that can't always be done easily but it's something you can condition yourself towards. whatever you do, just find some form of content, if you can't succeed in obtaining joy.
    oh, and kudos for the blog title... gotta love Manson ^.^
  12. Oranges's Avatar
    Where some people see "cries for help", I see catharsis.

    I can't offer you advice about what you should do with your life, but I can share my experience. In some ways, I empathize with you. I was in a long-term relationship where I, too, felt "trapped" with regards to my attraction to diapers. It created a lot of anxiety for me at times, because my partner (like yours!) would say they would participate, but never did. Though I loved them, it was a struggle. I couldn't just diaper myself because I felt ashamed to be who I was. That was the signal to me that we needed some couples counselling to deal with both of our issues of trust and honesty. I wish I could say it was a success and end here, but it was not: my partner refused to participate in therapy. Later, I discovered they had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, not taking their medication, and abusing recreational drugs to cope with their own personal issues. Our relationship ended. Fast-forward a year or two... now, I have a wonderful and supportive partner who loves me because of who I am in sum, not for any specific reason, but because I have been honest enough to admit who I am (and what I need) to the person who I love.
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