Today, I am dirty and I want to be pretty.
by, 18-Nov-2010 at 13:00 (746 Views)
Yesterday I was pretty, and I want to be dirty. Tomorrow I know I'm just dirt.
I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch in my life. I feel apathy every day and it bothers me. I took myself off my antipsychotic medication, because it's all part of my master plan.
School isn't going well, I haven't completed any credits yet and I am ashamed.
I feel a growing urge to participate in my *Bism, but I feel like I can't be accepted by my husband... Even if he does accept it. He says he'll participate one day in the best way he can, but he never does.. And over the years of being with him I am no longer a brave individual with my fetish (though not sexual). I am as ashamed of that side of me as night is dark. I can't handle this build up of stress.. I need to put on a diaper and relax, but because I feel ashamed... I can't. I want so badly to stand up for myself... Especially when we get a place together and be like.. "SOMETIMES I NEED THIS TO RELAX, SO YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"... But that part of me feels dead. I desperately want to talk to him regarding this oddity, but as I said.. I am very scared and ashamed. This is totally different from how I used to be when I first joined at age 13 (turning 14). I used to wear in public, crinkle and all... I bought diapers with little anxiety... Now I feel like I'm stuck in my circle of friends and everyone's watching me. It makes me not want to see them anymore.
I've also recently gotten into Speed (or kiddy speed by your judgements... ADD/ADHD pills basically). Where I know it's wrong to talk about drugs... This is just part of me explaining what is going on for me now. I won't say much about it but it's all part of the master plan.