by, 16-Nov-2010 at 04:00 (256 Views)
Yeah, it is a problem that plagues the lives of many people.
Addiction to emotional pain is what I am talking about.
I guess it fed my ego to wallow in misery. I really did reject all other feelings for many years. My suffering was absolute, all-consuming. I didn't care if people noticed other parts of my personality, I just wanted them to acknowledge and accept my suffering. I felt no other sense of purpose but to feel the stinging pain in my soul.
Think I am exaggerating? Sadly, I am not.
Playing the role of the victim made me feel like I had a place somewhere. So I played that card whenever I could. It really did not make me feel any better - frankly, it made me feel a lot worse at the end of the day. I was not happy with myself and the life I was living, yet I insisted on continuing to live that way and continuing to spiral downwards. I could say I knew no other way of living, but that would be a lie - people in the world around me were living the happy life that I rejected at every turn.
It occurred to me that there will come a time when there won't be another tomorrow. And it occurred to me that I really no longer had to live that way. I really did not accept these concepts until recently. I had to slide down very low to be willing to pick myself up, and I hope I remember how low that actually was so that I never reach those depths again.
I picked myself up before I lost all. I did lose plenty in the process. But I have a peace in my mind and heart now that I thought I would never have. I am actually comfortable in my own skin. And I realize that even though I was addicted to pain, I really do not like living that way. My life now is so much fucking better than that.
This is another blog post that serves no real purpose other than to spill my thoughts onto a page. Heh.