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Fresh start.

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Today, me and my Dad starting painting my bedroom. Things were getting pretty cluttered so I threw out a lot of stuff. I found it really hard to do, because I am hoarder; I don't like getting rid of things because I feel emotionally connected to them. For example, the cardboard mobile that has hung from my ceiling for nearly 20 years came down today. Even though it made me sad, in a way I am relieved to see it go. That part of my life is over and I need to stop dragging myself backwards.

We painted about half of the room with a white undercoat. It was strange painting over my old wallpaper. It was like painting over my childhood, watching the bright patterns disappear beneath the cold, clinical white. Whilst it was difficult to do, like taking down the mobile, it made me feel good. It detached me from a lot of bad memories and I think it will help me to move on. It was surrounded by the stinging scarlet and childish decorations that I first became ill. I want this room to be somewhere I can relax and feel better.

I have a few meetings tomorrow that are connected with fresh starts as well. The first one is a housing meeting. As some of you may have read before, I may be moving out of the family home and into either supported accommodation or normal accommodation with floating support. I am still not sure whether I want to go ahead with it but I agreed to attend the meeting anyway to explore the options.
Secondly, I have a doctor's appointment. Since I refuse to see the psychiatrist associated with my support team, I said I would talk to my GP about my medication instead. (Regarding changing it, as I have been feeling increasingly depressed and suicidal recently). Also I should have some ultrasound results back by then.

It's all pretty daunting, but could be welcome change.

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