by, 29-Oct-2010 at 07:20 (1057 Views)
I shouldn't be writing what you are reading right now. But this is just saying that I've writtena new blog post and I hope you find it enjoyable. I would/should say comment on my writing, but I wouldn't listen in my current state for this is a blog. My blog starts as suddenly as it ends, you've been warned.
My friend in Long Island New York said he was running away/moving out of his home today. He said he was caught masturbating though some blinds, by one of his sister's friends. I'm not sure if this is truthful or not. Either way im concerned and can't get in contact with him right now, he said he was unhooking his computer and most likely wouldn't be online for a few days. this is a slight problem considering I plan on going to my mom's next week, which was a spur of the moment decision though I been thinking about visiting for sometime. I want to visit on some level, but I don't expect it to be a happy trip and I don't even hope it's a happy trip. I am constantly hoping and looking for pain emotionally or at least feel like I am on some level. I don't want or try to get my hopes up anymore.
Even this past summer I was hoping that no fix would ever solve the Oil Spill crisis in the gulf of mexico. Perhaps I wanted it to go on since I feel the most common thing in the world is pain on some scale be it physical, mental or, anger, depression, suicide. I steal video games, movies and music by downloading them online. I feel like I lose focus on games since I have so many, though especially on the ones I steal. I don't pay anything for them other then time to install them.
I don't feel confused, I am confused. I am confused by politics, the status of the world, the way the world works and what the meaning of life is or at least what it should be if there is no meaning. Most of all, I am confused on religion. Not if god exists, I believe he exists (the christian, catholic, etc god). The thing im concerned/confused about is when we go to heaven will we still be us? For example if I were to die right here, at this very moment would I be instantly up in heaven with my same thoughts right now? If not, I don't see any point in heaven or hell and pray they don't exists if that's the case.
However, if that's not the case and I go up to heaven fully as my self all my doubts, all my fears, my anger, my depression. I fear I wouldn't want to live forever in such a prefer place. Because Perfect sounds utterly boring after a while.
Also if heaven exists... how does it exists? It has to exist on some tangible level right? Perhaps it exits in a very molecule or atom laying right in front of me. All I know is I want to be me, and I always want to be me be it on earth, heaven or even hell. Yes even hell, for I would rather suffer the pain of hell, then "die". A odd thing about Hell is I vision it as a endless white room filled with light from florescent light like you find in office buildings or some school classrooms. Just a endless white room what you have nothing but yourself and clothes.
You don't grow hungry, you don't get tired, you don't need to go to the bathroom nothing. the only thing you can do is walk, run, crawl and search for other people which you will never be able to find. For hell to me is total isolation not just from people, but life itself. I've written this as a way to clam myself and it has helped. I wanted to clam down since I can't contact my friend that I mentioned before and I can do nothing but worry about him. But that servers no real purpose then other cause me despair. I wish the best for him, like I wish the best for my family because he is family even if it's not by blood relations. He adpoted me as his younger brother, and vice versa only as a older brother.. even if he's only a year older.
I am going to post this as a blog on Adisc under my user name Fire2box. My user name is very personal to me since I've used it for over a decade now.
Fire means Pyro. For on some level I am a pyro, though I imagine most people are. I mean we all like fire for its warmth, its light and how odd it can act. 2 actually stands for TWO, which stands as my personal initials.
Box doesn't mean anything other then I was shooting at a cardboard box with my newly received bb/pellet rifle came with.
Hopefully this lets Adisc and the users I consider friends on there to understand me better and actully prove I am human despite my conservative political status. Thank you for reading this far and good luck.