by, 19-Oct-2010 at 04:36 (678 Views)
So some of you may be wondering "what happened to DT"? I went from being top thread starter for 4 months running, to barely being on here. Well I have been busy with college and working my 3 jobs. I am working an average of 100 hours a week. So far life is...not what I imagined it to be like. I am looking for a new car since my lovely buick was totaled and I am going to have to settle for a car that I absolutely despise b/c I am simply out of time with the car I am borrowing and my mom is tired of me looking for "The right car", so I am upset to say the least that I will have to settle for something less than what I want.
School is well...a day to day routine of repetitive repetition. I busy myself with trying my absolute hardest to get and maintain a 4.0 so that I can get out of my remedial classes as soon as possible. So for each day that I am in school I am either in class or studying in the library. My classes are sort of boring as well, especially my what is called "Learning to Learn" it is full of worthless information and my professor in that class believes that not a single one of us in there will be able to graduate, in fact she believes, as well as the student teacher that we will all end up in prison before graduating with a degree. As you can imagine this is very damaging to moral of everyone in there. After hearing that rant week after week for about a month every time I leave that class I leave with a sense of total and complete worthlessness. Basically I want to die where I stand when I leave that class. That mood continues throughout the day and usually most of the week.
When I look at my facebook feed and see what appears to be "the best days of their lives" of people I used to know in HS at college I feel that I am again worthless, their days consist of class then fun with friends. If im not at school I am at one of my 3 jobs and vice versa. I didn;t think it was possible to feel as isolated and lonely around 39,000 people, but I now know that is entirely possible. By the end of the day I am simply too tired to get involved in any clubs. I have made one friend though, which is better than none i suppose, but we see eachother for maybe 20 minutes a week.
As each day goes by I feel that a little bit more of me is going numb. For weeks now I have had the mindset of "whats the point" and when my mind wanders I think of images of free falling, like what it would feel like to jump off a building or how bad it would hurt to shoot yourself in the head. I don't think of actually doing this stuff to me or anyone else, but I feel concerned that my free thoughts consist of images and theories of death.
Overall this is not the story that I was told by my peers, parents, relatives, and colleges about college. I feel as though I was filled with nothing but propaganda ad sugar coated stories of college life. I feel that it is more like sitting in a mud filled pit where it constantly rains and there is no end in sight.
Just thought I would update everyone on how I was doing and let my mind go for a bit...not that anyone cares though....
Thanks for taking the time to read this.