It's absurd, really.
by, 14-Oct-2010 at 23:08 (281 Views)
I spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, years looking for my serenity in the words of people on the Internet who will never meet me face-to-face. I put all of my hopes onto online communities where most of the people will never even know what my real first name is. In diving deep into the cyber world, I was completely shutting out the real world around me. I selfishly assumed that nobody who knew me IRL would even notice I was missing. You probably can get the picture now.
Equally absurd was how easily I handed over any shred of serenity I had to any anonymous person on the Internet who dared to confront me over my character flaws. No matter how harsh the words of those people may have been, I should have realized that they were only getting to me because I was choosing for them to get to me.
I was giving power over my life and spirit to just about everybody I encountered on Internet forums, essentially. And that is the peak of the absurdity of my behavior.
True, I do find it easier to communicate with others online than I do in the real world. It is very difficult for me to start up a conversation with anybody who I do not know all that well, as it usually ends up being a very awkward moment for the both of us. My time in the program I have dived deep into has helped out a lot in that respect, but there still is a lot of work to be done.
As laughable as all of the wasted time is, regrets over it will serve no real purpose other than to expand my already overinflated ego.
I have to find myself, and I really cannot find myself anywhere on the Internet. I have to find myself by losing myself in the real world around me.
Nah, I'm not leaving, this is not intended to be a dramatic "farewell" blog. I am just making this post to say that I have a clearer idea of how wrong my train of thought was for most of my time here, because admitting it to others is the crucial first step towards moving on. I do enjoy being in the cyber company of most of the folks here. I just can't use that as a crutch for anything and expect seriously helpful results. That is ridiculously unfair to everybody here, and it is unfair to myself as well.
My serenity will have to come from within - I can rely on a higher power for help with that, but the one thing I can't rely on is other humans.
I thought I was "reborn" three months ago. Fuck, that was naive of me. I still haven't even scratched the surface of the growth I hope and intend to undertake.
I'll end this here.