Another small piece
by, 08-Oct-2010 at 07:13 (534 Views)
Alright, so due to lack of sleep, I've decided to post another piece of writing. This is probably dated about 2 or 3 months ago (I can't remember if this was before or after I joined ADISC). So here's another piece of writing reflecting on suicide and death. I aptly titled this piece "lonely".
I have never feared death. I only feared its permanent results. I always had a sort of respect for those brave enough to actually die for a cause they believe in, or even take the plunge and kill themselves. Itís not a brave thing to do, but it is one of the most difficult decisions to make. When placed into your own hands, the level of power you have over yourself is incredible. Anyone who has ever considered killing themselves would know what Iím talking about. You never feel more in control of your fate at that one moment than any other time in your life. Itís a terrible thing to go back to that same moment over and over again to feel that sense of control. However, I have gone back many times. Whether it was an ex telling me I was worthless or coming to a depressing self-realization, I have returned to that exact moment, where the next decision I make determines my fate for the rest of my existence. All the times I have ever returned, I never took the final step. Two people in my family had beforehand done this and I could not bring my family to suffer another casualty. I, sadly, have returned to this moment multiple times recently for what I believe is good reason.
I have no friends. The friends I do have are leaving me. I am worthless to this world.
I canít contribute anything to anyone. The girl Iím obsessed with is dating an asshole.
I have no purpose. I am beneficial to nothing. I donít live up to anyoneís standards.
Including my own. I am constantly alone. I am emotionally dead.