by, 04-Oct-2010 at 01:49 (611 Views)
So I dug up some old word documents on my computer and this is one of them. Hopefully I'll start writing some more interesting stuff.
Some back story on this: I began writing about my ex a lot after I had broken up with her and I was taking it really hard because as far as I knew this was the first relationship either of us had ever been in. Anyways, about a year later she started flirtaously teasing me about getting back into a relationship and then a week later she got back with her old boyfriend. I talked to my therapist who said I should write down how I felt about the whole situation. So this is it. No one actually interviewed me, these questions were just ones that I remembered some several different conversations.
Yes I realize this is so terribly angst-y and emo.
How long have you felt this way? I canít remember the last time I felt any other way.
Why do you act like everything is ok? If not people worry and the last thing I need right now is pity
People care about you and want to help you? They can care all they want, but they shouldnít be thinking they can help me because they canít.
What would make you happy at this point in time? A girl to fall into my lap and make me feel like someone gives a shit about me.
Is that all it would take? A relationship? No, but that would be a step in the right direction.
Any specific girl? Yes, but sheís in a relationship and sheís happy. I wonít ruin that for her especially because I feel like I ruined it before for her.
So this would be an ex-girlfriend? I donít really care about being in a relationship anymore with her. I need to find someone better so I can obsess over the new girl and give myself to her.
Letís go back to this exÖ Why are you obsessed with her? I did her wrong because I was afraid.
Of what? Doing what I did to her.
Which was? Fuck up everything between us.
Did you feel that what you did happened too early? Way too early. I broke up with her in the worst possible way too. I know that what I did hurt her. I wish I could just tell her Iím sorry
Have you ever tried to do so? Iíve done it, but I donít know if it did anything. And now I feel like every time I talk to her, I have to impress her some how and then end up saying stupid things.
You realize you donít have to prove anything to her right? I know, but Iím trying to show her I donít need her.
So a new relationship might fix this? I suppose, but I feel like I need to go back and fix this first before I can move on to anything else.
So to you, sheís the key to your happiness? Yes. And my sadness.
How can she be the key to both? I know I canít live with her, but I can never stop thinking about her.
Do you think confronting her would help? It would ruin what we have between us now.
Which is? A comfortable friendship I guess.
And you donít want toÖ? Hurt her or myself. Sheís at a happy medium and Iím not.
Do you think one of you has to be miserable in order for the other to be happy? No. Iíve been miserable since before we were together. I think she might go in between being happy and sad.
Well it sounds like sheís moved on. She has.
Why havenít you? . . .because . . . I. . . donít think I can.
Would a new relationship fix this? Thereís no guarantee.