My first blog, being found out.
by, 30-Sep-2010 at 19:22 (952 Views)
I have been very stressed out lately and my normal ways of dealing with stress have been overwelmed. I guess i decided to write all my feelings down for once and see how i feel about it. Also, i think maybe opening the doors further to revealing more of my feelings will help me cope and interact better with others since i have such an extreme difficulty in real life.
Well, to give a general understanding of where I am coming from and how my parents feel about everything I must first give some history about myself and what my situation is. I am partially paraplegic due to severe damage received to my back from an injury when I was 6 years old. Because of this I have had a spinal fusion done between my T 6 and L 5 vertebrae. I am fully incontinent, I have very limited use of my legs requiring either arm brace crutches or a wheel chair, and I have long term chronic pain. I am on some very heavy medications that allow me to cope with my chronic pain but also create heavy addictions that affect me in many negative ways however it is necessary that I must take them. After initially becoming aware of the lifestyle and fetish that is diapers and teen baby-ism I met my closest friend and best ďadoptedĒ big sis ever, Tika!
Tika has taught me a lot about myself in not only how I cope with my emotions but how the teen baby lifestyle benefits me emotionally. (She always denies this :P :O and Iím sure when she reads this blog sheís gunna be like :O) Anyways, being very close one day me and Tika were discussing the topic of diapers (surprise) but more so involving my situation. I am a very small person (at a mere 5í1Ē and 86 pounds give or takeóha-ha yes Iím Asian no short Asian jokes or ill stab you with a chopstick)
Anyways, we were talking about how I might be able to sneak in some TB based stuff into my natural lifestyle without alerting my parents to anything. One problem I had was when it came to diapers I am at a size in which adult diapers are too big, and baby diapers donít hold enough so I am stuck in youth diapers. More specifically at the moment I use Tranquility ATNs with a contour doubler by the same company which thankfully is working very reliably however the diaper is not very babyish at all, even though I enjoy the cute peach color. Tika suggested I should try the Bambino Bianca because they come in size small and begin at a 22Ē waist, and as most AB/TB/DL etc know, they are very babyish diapers ^^)~ and since the ones with prints donít come in my size, they are the best option I can consider at this point. After we discussed it for awhile she convinced me it was worth a try even though I am only a 18-20Ē waist and thereís a light possibility they may be slightly big(however our thought was if they were slightly lose my contour booster pads would help with the snugness.
It all went south from there because we realized the only website that sold bambinos was heavily AB/DL. We originally came up with two ideas on how to avoid this. Tika suggested that she act as if we had seen reviews on an incontinence support website that the bambino Bianca however fetish related had very strong absorbency reviews and might be very useful to me. I disagreed, feeling that generally it would be a bad idea because it didnít seem very logical. I suggested another idea which was that if I showed my mom the link to the product and played dumb about the background setting and specifically focusing on like the benefits of the diaper and what not, I can just play dumb and in my mind ďshe would think nothing of itĒ.
This strategy ended up working very poorly. I called my mom over to show her the diapers and to see how she felt about it and if she was interested in letting me try them out and what not. Between the situation, and my nervousness the situation began to spiral downhill very fast. I have a speech problem that when I get very nervous I start to heavily stutter to the point where itís difficult to communicate my thoughts and I ended up completely crash & burning, and my mom not being super stupid caught right onto meÖ however I guess she at the time did not want to confront me so she ended the conversation quickly saying that she would let me try them out and quickly-awkwardly evaded to the kitchen.
At this point I was half in shock and half in a crazed panic because I knew she was onto me. I freaked out and ended up like basically breaking down in front of Tika. She tried to console me and calm me down however I was so scared that I couldnít help it. This was a worst case scenario for me and I was horrified. Tika decided she was going to confront my mom about the issue and tell the truth since there was no hope in lying our way out of this one. Iím not fully sure what they talked about but I am pretty sure they talked for a good twenty minutes but for all I know it felt like 100 hours and the world stopped moving. When they finished talking my mom went to her room, she passed me and it looked like she had been cryingÖ I was so so sad and ashamed.
There is no more a worse feeling then seeing the woman who cared for you all your life Ö crying because of something you have becomeÖ or at least thatís how I felt, I was destroyed. My heart sunk into my stomach and I felt like I wanted to die. I cried on the couch for ages, Tika was both scared that she may have explained everything badly or that she didnít something wrong but was mostly concerned about how devastated I was. My mom came out of her room about 30 minutes later and did something that I could not of foreseen. She came over and sat down beside me on the couch, reached over grabbing me gently, and pulled me onto her lap(she was very gentle about it cuz of my back and everything) . She just sat there and held me close and we both kinda cried abit together. She told me that it was okay to feel this way and that if I wanted to be treated like a baby it was alright. At this point I was beyond overwhelmed and just kind of melted in her arms. This also shocked me because my parents are very very conservative so I did not expect her to consider my feelings like this.
However, it was in the evening and after a brief time spent with my mom( I couldnít say much because off my speech impairment) it wasnít long before dad got home from work, and things ended up going downhill again. My mom and my dad went to their room to discuss everything that happened as my dad had a ďwtf is going onĒ moment when he walked through the door. They came out later on in the night and basically invited me into their room as now my brother became altered of the fact thereís drama going on in the house and started snooping as well. There ended up being a whole lot of consequences to my actions which Iím not to happy about. Apparently while conversing with Tika my mom discovered my favourites list on my laptop and found the two websites I have been going to. They got very upset about me being on fetish related websites without their knowledge and that I was being reckless and could of gotten like stalked by an adult or something.
They ended up saying that the majority of my internet privileges involving privacy, mics, web cams, uploading pictures onto my computer etc are all taken away since I havenít really been using them maturely. Also, Iím not really supposed to go on diaperedanime.com anymore << because itís too adultsy. My mom also said that from now on I have to go see a psychologist which I started seeing on Wednesday. I suppose ill talk about that in my next blog as this one is getting pretty big and my arms are tired. I canít argue any of my punishments or restrictions or else I will lose my privilege to be a TB and my internet access. My parents said that Iím allowed to partake in it as long as itís nothing sexual because they donít want any sexual stuff in the house which is totally understandable.
I still have a lot of emotions racing through my head about all of this. My dad ended up not taking it very well and we have become even more distant from each other. Also, my mom somewhat- babies me now which is a very tough subject. For me being a TB is absolutely not sexual at all so I mean in some ways its veryÖ umm I guess stress releasing to have my mom look after me a lot more now instead of before where there was so much stress around me trying to push myself into being independent. But also at the same time itís kind of embarrassing because as much as I am used to my mom helping me with my disabilities, itís also super awkward to have her treat me childishly. (itís not too overwhelming I mean itís not like she feeds me or goes over the top, itís just since then she has a tendency to like check my diaper instead of asking me if I need to be changed, and changing me instead of seeing if Iím alright doing it on my own. Itís like subtle things, tika suggested I relax and see how I feel about it over time and if I decide itís not for me then I can tell her no and I agreed. I must admit at first I was very awkward, but now as a few days have gone by its become very comforting I am ashamed to say :3) I also have come to realize that all this developing has further helped me cope with my disabilities entirely. Before this fetish I believed myself as being unattractive and a lower person because of them but now I have learned that not only is it okay but itís also very comforting to embrace my feelings and what comforts me.