Alone, desperate, isolated - no more
by, 17-Sep-2010 at 01:12 (273 Views)
That was how I lived through most of my life to date. Somewhere along the line, somebody convinced me (or I convinced myself - it really doesn't matter who did it at this point) that I was going to live through my entire life that way, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not want to live that way, so I tried way too hard every chance I got to fix the situation, and I drove many people away from me in the process. I was convinced that I was doomed to a lifetime of social awkwardness, always being alone, desperate, isolated. The only times I felt real connections with others was when I was on the Internet, and even then I knew that it was often a connection based on fraudulent grounds. The only people who I considered to be RL friends were really just people who found a use for me, and I knew it - but I hung on to them even though none of them respected me as an actual person, because I was so desperate for human contact. I guess that explains why my ex-roommate lasted here as long as he did.....
I realize now - just now - it does not have to be this way for the rest of my life.
I only have to change one thing.
That one thing is everything.
I now have a small band of real world friends who actually are friends, for the first time in my life. Frankly, it does feel more than just a bit awkward for me at this point.....
Well, I haven't changed overnight. There is a lifetime of work ahead of me, and I can't let up for a single day. Learning to live is not a graduation process for anybody. There is no degree at the end of the line, because there is no end of the line.
In any case, I still have to figure out how to let go of a lifetime of resentments...... The only person those are hurting is myself.
Tomorrow, I will finish cleaning my apartment. I have a big party in just nine days from now. Well, as big as my one-bedroom place would allow. I'll be providing my guests with a veggie tray and a massive shrimp platter, and most of the guests will chip in for a pizza delivery fund - don't think I'll need any more food outside of that. Oh, and there will be four-player co-op gaming on my 360. At least, I hope that part will work out. If it doesn't, ah well, at least the company will be awesome.
I realize I have been posting a lot more on the blogs than on the actual forums these days..... Heh. Don't know what to say about that.