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Kinky Kapers of Kaworu!

Alone, desperate, isolated - no more

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That was how I lived through most of my life to date. Somewhere along the line, somebody convinced me (or I convinced myself - it really doesn't matter who did it at this point) that I was going to live through my entire life that way, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not want to live that way, so I tried way too hard every chance I got to fix the situation, and I drove many people away from me in the process. I was convinced that I was doomed to a lifetime of social awkwardness, always being alone, desperate, isolated. The only times I felt real connections with others was when I was on the Internet, and even then I knew that it was often a connection based on fraudulent grounds. The only people who I considered to be RL friends were really just people who found a use for me, and I knew it - but I hung on to them even though none of them respected me as an actual person, because I was so desperate for human contact. I guess that explains why my ex-roommate lasted here as long as he did.....

I realize now - just now - it does not have to be this way for the rest of my life.

I only have to change one thing.

That one thing is everything.

I now have a small band of real world friends who actually are friends, for the first time in my life. Frankly, it does feel more than just a bit awkward for me at this point.....

Well, I haven't changed overnight. There is a lifetime of work ahead of me, and I can't let up for a single day. Learning to live is not a graduation process for anybody. There is no degree at the end of the line, because there is no end of the line.

In any case, I still have to figure out how to let go of a lifetime of resentments...... The only person those are hurting is myself.

Tomorrow, I will finish cleaning my apartment. I have a big party in just nine days from now. Well, as big as my one-bedroom place would allow. I'll be providing my guests with a veggie tray and a massive shrimp platter, and most of the guests will chip in for a pizza delivery fund - don't think I'll need any more food outside of that. Oh, and there will be four-player co-op gaming on my 360. At least, I hope that part will work out. If it doesn't, ah well, at least the company will be awesome.

I realize I have been posting a lot more on the blogs than on the actual forums these days..... Heh. Don't know what to say about that.


  1. Talula's Avatar
    Hey, good for you man! It's great to hear you sounding more positive these days and making more friends in the real world!

    I wish you all the best with your cleaning and arranging for your party! I always get really stressed sorting out things like that, but I'm not happy unless I'm moaning so... it works out well for me

    Enjoy it xXx
  2. SnoozyCat's Avatar
    I felt like this at one point in my life too and I don't think I'm completely recovered from it either. My advice is to simply never stop trying to meet new people. Go out of your way to say hello to people when you can. Introduce yourself often and try to get a conversation going. Eventually you'll get better at it. Don't give up.
  3. Asher's Avatar
    *Hugs* I'm sorry its been hard for you bro, but I'm glad that you're figuring it all out. I hope the party is a success; good luck! :)
  4. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar
    Yeah, the only room left for me to tackle in my apartment is the living room - the bedroom took me about four hours today. Then I have to remove whatever spots that can be removed from the carpet, and then I'll consider it done, even though I do need to purchase some new shelving (some wire shelving that allows circulation between the wall and the stuff on it, and a large shelf for my CD collection that is currently sitting, completely unorganized, in two large boxes). I made a trip to the Goodwill and donated clothing and bedding that I will never use again, that cleared up a LOT of space.

    On another note, I set the foot down with my ex-roommate. I am being generous enough to give him until Halloween to get his stuff out of my apartment, but my generosity for him ends there. The only reason I am giving him that much time is because he is currently living in a homeless shelter - how insane is this? He is CHOOSING to live there because he would rather study poetry all day instead of looking for a real job...., Ah, well, once this business is taken care of, the days of him outright abusing my generosity will be finished. I never really did like how he always complained about how I was wasting society's money by living off disability, while at the same time not minding at all that my SSDI supported him for the few months that he lived here (he paid NONE of the bills or necessary expenses when he lived here, after all)..... Ah, well.

    I know it sounds like I am whining right now - and that's because I am. I am trying very hard to let go of all of my resentments, and in this case, I know that he is a very sick person who really does not know how to act any other way than how he does. That does not mean that people should let him continue to be a user - it means exactly the opposite of that. The reason he got to where he is now is because he left a string of people he used in various ways throughout most of his life - he never really had to take care of himself under any circumstances. I know, it is odd for somebody living off SSDI to make a comment like that about somebody else, but what can I say? The medical coverage that comes with SSDI is the only thing that is helping to keep me stable these days, without it, I am fucked..... Hell....

    Every night, I pray for the strength to let go of my resentments, but I guess that there is something in my very core that is keeping me from letting go of them completely.

    I really am doing much better now than I ever have been, though. For the first time in my life, I feel as if there is some sense of balance that is starting to develop in my mind. I have to thank all of my friends here for the support over the last nine months since I have made my first post here. So, thanks. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.